3 Timestamps from Amsterdam period

16th July 2014, 7-20 AM:

I have become desperate and restless. None of my job applications are yielding outcome- I feel the agony in line with 2011. At the same time, I have not been able to enjoy my stint in McKinsey. I don’t know why, but I am only feeling pressurized. Is there any pressure to perform- no; nobody is expecting that from me, still I can’t convince myself. That’s the biggest worry to be frank, as this is a culture of restlessness.

I was thinking about the consultancy role- this is not about leadership; consultants help leaders. Probably BSG has molded us in such a way I am looking for high impacting roles only. In other words, the kind of work I want to do, McKinsey really does not fit into that. This is good as a career; by career I mean the middle-class aspiration of being a doctor or engineer. But currently I am in such a mood that I think highly about the need of carpenters and butchers along-with doctors and engineers in our society; everybody has a role to play if you want to shape up a livable country. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but my thoughts are expanding to a bigger limit. Under such circumstance, working as a consultant, in a small project of an organization will certainly give me knowledge, but will not help me become a leader. Between, am I thinking in the right direction?

I want to go back to India. I don’t think a foreign country is something I want to opt for. I don’t feel happy here, really, I am not feeling happy at all. Every day when I get up, I bring lot of negative energy to start the day. Then nothing happens in the day time that can give me positive energy.  I am not sure why this 2011 type situation is again happening with me.

Last day with my 'Knowledge' team colleagues

One question that I am trying to avoid- do I want to continue with McKinsey? Positive points- travel, brand as intelligent, good money; Negative points- no personal time, a client focus vision with no self- respect, restlessness to perform/competition, everybody wants shifting to MGI or considers working with Gates Foundation or government an awesome idea.

My heart says NO; my brain asks "what option do you have?"

The above question increases my desperateness. None of the places where I applied got back to me. UNDP, my first choice is a NO it seems. Gates Foundation, WEF, YPP – I don’t know.

--x--

23rd August 2014:

So, the updates here are – I got dinged from Gates Foundation and YPP. Have not heard back from UNDP and WEF. My efforts along-with Wahid Da for the UNDP post deserve a separate blog post- I got a reply from Helen Clark, can you believe that? Recent talks with Rasika (for Google Public Policy manager) and Mr Yogender Chodhry are keeping me positive. The good progress of Afghanistan election and the telephone call by Vikram on World Bank consultancy are two optimistic developments. In fact, I am happier than my last post. I know I am taking a right decision by going back. This is going to be a good story of my life- I have listed 13 reasons until now that has helped me taking this decision. I have met around 4 people who have heavily criticized my decision to go back; but that has only made me realize that I am going above the ‘middle class thinking level’. I am excited now; this is a crucial moment of my career and I am sure I will do well after going back to India.

Bless me God- I want to grow big; I want to make a mark in this world through my work , humility and good intention.

*[The Political campaign Desk Reference- Michael McNamara]

--x--

7th September 2014, Last day @Amsterdam



Last day with flat mate Kayvan

I just finished packing. Went out once in the afternoon to Central station area; then came back home on foot. I liked the walk- took videos and photos as well. Today I found Amsterdam so nice, serene and optimistic. I am not sure whether I will come back to this city. As it is part of Europe there is chance of coming back though. This also puts another question- would I ever be out of India again? My career ambition does not really require me to be out of India (except the WB YPP stuff). But the dream of Oxford D Phil will keep my enthusiasm alive, or rather, ignite my enthusiasm after some years. 

What’s next- is a big question. How will I face the question of different people is another issue. To be honest, I have three concrete things at hand—1) Talk with Mr Chaudhry, 2) Talk with Vikram and 3) Talk with Mir. I have no idea how things will develop. I am sure God will help me here.

Don’t want to write more. The emotions are far less than Aizawl. Maybe the reality is harsh in this case.