3 Timestamps from Amsterdam period

16th July 2014, 7-20 AM:

I have become desperate and restless. None of my job applications are yielding outcome- I feel the agony in line with 2011. At the same time, I have not been able to enjoy my stint in McKinsey. I don’t know why, but I am only feeling pressurized. Is there any pressure to perform- no; nobody is expecting that from me, still I can’t convince myself. That’s the biggest worry to be frank, as this is a culture of restlessness.

I was thinking about the consultancy role- this is not about leadership; consultants help leaders. Probably BSG has molded us in such a way I am looking for high impacting roles only. In other words, the kind of work I want to do, McKinsey really does not fit into that. This is good as a career; by career I mean the middle-class aspiration of being a doctor or engineer. But currently I am in such a mood that I think highly about the need of carpenters and butchers along-with doctors and engineers in our society; everybody has a role to play if you want to shape up a livable country. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but my thoughts are expanding to a bigger limit. Under such circumstance, working as a consultant, in a small project of an organization will certainly give me knowledge, but will not help me become a leader. Between, am I thinking in the right direction?

I want to go back to India. I don’t think a foreign country is something I want to opt for. I don’t feel happy here, really, I am not feeling happy at all. Every day when I get up, I bring lot of negative energy to start the day. Then nothing happens in the day time that can give me positive energy.  I am not sure why this 2011 type situation is again happening with me.

Last day with my 'Knowledge' team colleagues

One question that I am trying to avoid- do I want to continue with McKinsey? Positive points- travel, brand as intelligent, good money; Negative points- no personal time, a client focus vision with no self- respect, restlessness to perform/competition, everybody wants shifting to MGI or considers working with Gates Foundation or government an awesome idea.

My heart says NO; my brain asks "what option do you have?"

The above question increases my desperateness. None of the places where I applied got back to me. UNDP, my first choice is a NO it seems. Gates Foundation, WEF, YPP – I don’t know.

--x--

23rd August 2014:

So, the updates here are – I got dinged from Gates Foundation and YPP. Have not heard back from UNDP and WEF. My efforts along-with Wahid Da for the UNDP post deserve a separate blog post- I got a reply from Helen Clark, can you believe that? Recent talks with Rasika (for Google Public Policy manager) and Mr Yogender Chodhry are keeping me positive. The good progress of Afghanistan election and the telephone call by Vikram on World Bank consultancy are two optimistic developments. In fact, I am happier than my last post. I know I am taking a right decision by going back. This is going to be a good story of my life- I have listed 13 reasons until now that has helped me taking this decision. I have met around 4 people who have heavily criticized my decision to go back; but that has only made me realize that I am going above the ‘middle class thinking level’. I am excited now; this is a crucial moment of my career and I am sure I will do well after going back to India.

Bless me God- I want to grow big; I want to make a mark in this world through my work , humility and good intention.

*[The Political campaign Desk Reference- Michael McNamara]

--x--

7th September 2014, Last day @Amsterdam



Last day with flat mate Kayvan

I just finished packing. Went out once in the afternoon to Central station area; then came back home on foot. I liked the walk- took videos and photos as well. Today I found Amsterdam so nice, serene and optimistic. I am not sure whether I will come back to this city. As it is part of Europe there is chance of coming back though. This also puts another question- would I ever be out of India again? My career ambition does not really require me to be out of India (except the WB YPP stuff). But the dream of Oxford D Phil will keep my enthusiasm alive, or rather, ignite my enthusiasm after some years. 

What’s next- is a big question. How will I face the question of different people is another issue. To be honest, I have three concrete things at hand—1) Talk with Mr Chaudhry, 2) Talk with Vikram and 3) Talk with Mir. I have no idea how things will develop. I am sure God will help me here.

Don’t want to write more. The emotions are far less than Aizawl. Maybe the reality is harsh in this case.

What are the things helping me taking the decision to go back India from Amsterdam?

[The decision to return to India from Amsterdam was a crucial one. I spent lot of hours thinking and analyzing all the nuances of the possible consequences on both sides. Although I started penning down the reasons and my post- MPP options from the Oxford days, I completed writing all the reasons on 10th August 2014]

1. The momentum that I got in BSG- the thoughts, the ideas, the committed people, the optimism, the self-confidence, the big desire to change the world.

2.  Talking to people- Wahid Da, Jayanta Da, Abhilaash mainly the Assamese who have been living here- talking to them I can estimate how my future will look like. I know what I don’t want to become.

3.   Accident of Bikiran, death of Manda Bai—life is so fragile and I must spend time with my family.

4.    The madness of the UNDP job- Wahid da took that far way; the way he was introducing me to other people – "you should lose a person like Manjit to a foreign company".

5.   The book gifted by Alexander- "How to measure life"- super influencing.

6.    "Play with your strong area"- India+ development sector is my strength.

7.    Project with foreign government- you need to dive deep. For example, in German labor agency (BA) project, I need to know the emotion and thinking of German people and the language. So, doing something for 2-3 months for a foreign government does not make any sense. My conversation with McKinsey India people made me realize that the company is not much active in India; also the way they look at government…huh!

8.    Learning what a consultant do – they consult, they are not leaders. They can’t change the world.

9.    The social life of an Indian/Assamese outside India is utterly pathetic; even the lifestyle of Kayvan and others; their dreams--- huh, no way.

10.   My story – it will be a nice story only if I go back, do something spectacular. I need to make a good story out of my life.

11.   The chat with Somnath-  that made me realizes how I (we) thought after NIT. Somnath still thinks in that way. But, for me, I can't afford to  think about a salaried job only. I can afford something more than what a fresh graduate would think of doing. Its not about proving to others, but proving to yourself.

12.   The euphoria created by Modi in terms of scrapping planning commission, digital India, myGov- this is indeed the best time to be in India

13.   Looking at my Indian batch-mates- Vrinda, Lekha, Rahul all can easily settle outsides, they are some of the brightest minds of Oxford. But they are all going back- this is a different breed can’t be seen everywhere

14.   The fact that I am continuously searching and trying, I am seeing one or other options every other day. It’s the hope that I have lot of fall back options is an asset. WB Consultancy, Afghan government are two strongest fall back options for me. Hence, this is the time to take risk.

15.   The euphoria of taking risk and changing the world will not last long. This comes only in certain periods of life. Hence, I must utilize that when I have lot of energy on that direction.

16.   Pankaj Da told two important points—this timing of youth energy I should not waste and if I don’t get anything, I might take wrong choices out of frustration—knowing all the bad outcomes also making me excited to go back.

17.   The way McKinsey does strategy work- only for a week or a brief period. But government works are mainly implementation- you have to drag along. The Pakistan education project is one, where the whole McKinsey wanted to work as all considered that a cool project. "Hence, it not matching your taste and objective", said Johanna Hircher.

Last snap of my bed at Amsterdam

18.  I have been doing lot of research on my post-MPP life and here are some exciting options. I believe I would be better off in India under any circumstances: 

             a)  Putting the things into practice is something I am too much excited. Working as a policy Advisor to Govt of Assam will be an awesome one. My marriage life will also get a big push if I be in Guwahati, at least for 2 years. 
   b)   Mir’s proposal of working with Government of Afghanistan as an advisor is making a roll in my mind. I even informed Maa about that desire, introduced her with Mir etc. but the security condition, particularly after US troops withdraw from the country, whether Mir becomes a cabinet minister or not are some issues.

    c)  Until now, I have written twice to PM website. I can be fit into three units in Govt of India- a) DONER or NE related affairs, b) Inside PMO in some delivery unit type of role and c) in any policy making division which does not exist now as per my knowledge.

    d)   Writing to Government of Assam- I am not thinking much on that now (31^st May, 2014) because of the internal dissident politics of Assam Congress and the rise of BJP in Assam. BJP has just declared Mission 84+ in Assam and I think I should write a letter to Prodyut Bora. In fact, let me do that now itself.

    e)  Done. I have also made an Excel file

Why did I decide NOT to apply for D Phil just after Masters degree?

[I was in দুই নাওত দুই ভৰি position for multiple days as the deadline for D Phil application for BSG and other Oxford departments were coming closer (end of 2013). BSG was recruiting PhD scholars for the first time and there were lot of enthusiasm among the Public Policy students. After spending several days thinking all aspects, I decided NOT to apply for D Phil. In fact, I postponed the whole PhD stuff for 5-6 years]

1) I don’t want to and also, I don’t think I am ready to spend 3-4 years going depth into some topic. Whenever I try doing small research it pisses me off like anything. When Ngaire told about the investment for D Phil in terms of hard work, I realize I am not on for it.  "D Phil is a big investment of time; if you really don’t possessively think about the topic, this will be of no worth", she said. Now, I realize I feel no excitement with the word D Phil. 

2) There is no topic is in my mind where I want to go depth, or in other words, I have several topics in my mind. Hence, I am not mentally prepared.

3) I don’t want to be in Academia; UK is fine, look at the US people- they don’t even know that people can go outside academia after doing D Phil(ref- the after-graduation study fair at Exam school). In case of organizations like WB, I believe they prefer people with work experience more than D Phil. 

4) Timing issue- I have to get married, spending 3-4 more years alone in Oxford would be a nightmare something that I experienced in the Christmas break. Single life, alone, without regular classes, D Phil will be most boring. May be after marriage, it will be a good idea to come back to complete D Phil to UK.

5) I got the first taste of Oxford and earnestly want Oxford to come back to my life after I get a few more years of maturity. This desire rules out of applying to other universities of UK or elsewhere. 

6) I learnt so many new things and I want to put those into practice and see whether these knowledge work in real life or not. 

However I like BSG’s approach for D Phil i.e. to work with international organizations’ projects during the D Phil. But they need more experienced people for that and my chances would be minimal in BSG. Hence, I decided not to apply for D Phil, although, I can see an array of positive things for D Phil as well, may be on a slightly lower scale.

[I am not sure how this decision will effect me in future. In 2014, BSG accepted five D Phil students in its first cohort- all are super highly experienced such as Linda Bilmes, Aaron and so on]

27th June 2014 - Leaving Oxford by bus

7-42 PM:

I am inside the bus from Oxford to London- my last journey by the OxfordTube. On this last day I applied the UNDP job and promised to Oxfordshire that I will be back for graduation in November if I get that job. In fact, I was to leave Oxford tomorrow; but the loneliness of my room and the place were killing me. Somehow I just wanted to get out of the place. I was feeling so so alone. 

Just after entering OxfordTube(Snap by Anjul)

I remembered Aizawl- there were no Pranjal or Shamim to look up to. But Anjul and Faissal did show up and helped me do the final packing, carry the stuffs to the bus station and took some last snaps. 

May be it is human expectation that I want Oxford to feel some void as I am leaving. But the scene is completely different in case of a place like Oxford. People come here to go out one day. Oxford has seen generations entering and leaving. I am just one of them. Hence, I should not feel bad at all.

I am remembering my last bus trip from Aizawl to Guwahati. It was nice because I knew somebody will receive me in Guwahati and then I will head back home. In this case, I am going to a new country, no phone, no internet and to a place whose keys are with the reception of a hotel- uncertainty at its peak. 

But BSG has taught me how to handle this. In fact, I am looking forward to the evening of tomorrow when I will land in Amsterdam; I am sure something will go terribly wrong.

I have not been able to ‘enjoy’ the farewell to Oxford as I am due with two assignments; and believe me, I have not started single line until now. This is a big learning for me- never procrastinate things when you have something like ‘starting a new phase’ of life. To be honest, I am quite worried about the two assignments. These two have also ruined my last days in Oxford. I am so sorry for letting this happen- this is all my fault. I could have managed the situation differently.

I have small belonging

I will be staying with Alex tonight before boarding the bus tomorrow morning. I have exchanged around 280 Pound to euro, but have no idea how much will I need. OK, let's not think all these now. My blood pressure boils up. To be frank, I am so poor in managing shifting; I need to improve in this area. I should get used to smooth transitions. I hope things will be far better in future.

Bless me God! Bless me so that I can come back to oxford for graduation. I am ready to start a new phase of life, but want to start the phase with the seed put in oxford. 

Oxford- you have been amazing and a life changing experience for me. If I have to think of going back to student life again, I know where I should be! Thank  you.

Thank you for everything !

8-02 PM : on the bus still, about to reach Shephard Bush!

(Alex came to the bus stoppage to receive me and I stayed the night at Alex's place that day. And yeah, something actually went terribly wrong once I arrived Amsterdam)