Hello Manjit,
How are you doing? Are you still single? Is your book done? Are you still searching a job that is relatable to your wholesome skills?
You know I used to take pride/satisfaction that I invented some concepts. I say, I invented this terminology of seeing 'life at a moment' vs 'life as period'. But later I found out the same philosophy has already been forwarded by Prof Danial Cohenman in a slightly different format, although moot idea is same. I believe my thought process is at par with leading thinkers of this world; but I am not getting the opportunity. Rather, I have not been able to create the opportunity with my current capacity.
A) The first leap out of closet: I was looking at the whatsapp status of Narayan, son of my mother's elder sister. He has joined a block/circle level office as computer operator type job a few months back. He was sharing photos of attending meeting of conference room, video conferencing, a glimpse alongside DC/ADC etc. Coming from the similar background, I know these were big deals back then (even now!). Knowing even a peon or chowkidar in any govt office was considered luckiest. Whenever I find someone (including Narayan) sharing such pictures or updates, I couldn't laugh. A strange type of disappointment bothers me; I feel like crying, or to be honest, I cry sometimes (including today). I see myself, Deuta, Maa or Dada imbibed into those Narayans. I feel so so small. If someone asks is that your 'aukat' , what should I say?
Let's not have slightest doubt in your mind that people will eventually attach you with this slightest weak link. After going the above paragraph, many will say, 'C'mon, these are past and not relevant for you now'. I too thought that way. But not always! You will find people who are waiting for the very chance to show you the 'aukat' of the past because you have matched them in the present. Caste, geography, parental income/profession, siblings are examples of such links.
B) Equality & Justice: In my immediate circle, I find 90% of the people started life from a privileged line ahead of me. It makes the comparison very difficult. This realisation first came to me during NIT Durgapur; with times, the percentage of such people has only increased in my circle. I try my best to keep a balance, but that is not possible. Incidentally, the Assamese circle has most people in the fewer percentage category, and my office circle is the highest contributor to the larger percentage category. This constantly gives me two different emotions- firstly, I feel sad for missing the privileges and consider that as the biggest contributor to my current misery/failure/low esteem (of not doing anything significant); secondly, I get zero inspiration from my circle because I consider them as failed product who have only managed my level (which is a failed level) even after starting from a privileged mark. On a different note- I feel good when I see the son of a state Chief Minister becoming the Chief Justice of India. That also means I give recognition to a 'high-fi' level of people where person of my kind don't, in fact, shouldn't get entry. I know, this a very middle class thought -- 'xihot dangor manuh!'. When will I start recognising myself equal to them? Will that self recognition ever come considering the point(A) above?
Dear future self, share your current thought on the two topics above.
C) Hiding truth or exposing knowledge: I think I have super middle class mentality. If you think that is wrong, you must be worried as I have found scientific explanation to carry forward my way of living/thinking. Now, I am in conundrum - am I becoming more middle class or am I getting enlightened with help of new found knowledge?
I will give two examples- first one is related to finance. Why haven't I bought a car, a washing machine, why am I living in Mahipalpur etc. Robert Kiyosaki has provided all the explanation in terms of asset and liabilities. The theory on minimalism is another eye-opener. Walking to workplace has the health reasoning as well. Overall, I think I am doing nothing wrong. The second one is Cohenman's explanation of 'experiencing self' vs 'remembering self'. The happiness in a moment is forgotten in 6 Sec; it does not even help in decision making. This kind of knowledge has helped me in lot of buying decisions.
Recently I have observed my attention span has decreased. Continuously sitting at a place and writing have become difficult. I have not written a single line for the book in last 4-5 months. 3-4 Article ideas are pending since the beginning of the year. I must understand there is no other way I can make an impact by being alone except writing. The pain of not being able to write is creeping in. This is serious now and I must find a solution.
Enough for today. Now that I have found a way to write to you, I will fall back on this option frequently (hopefully). Take care,
Your Yours truly
Zing
Monday, December 9, 2019
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Starting new section- letter to future self
Writing letter to future self is not a new idea. I think (if I remember correctly) while talking to Shainky, my junior from NIT Durgapur, this idea again popped up.
This might also solve one more categorisation issue. The current categories of this blog today are not succinctly representing a post covering my theories on life, which are not decisions, which are written in first person (i.e. not Zingism), and which are not strictly related to career or personal life (i.e. intangibles).
Although I am not 100% convinced with the logic of the second para above (while writing I have realized there is overlap), I believe, a section on letter to future self might be interesting.
Wait! I think Astrology is essentially about dealing with future. Hence, I am deleting the category and putting the single post in that category with the new 'letter to future self'.
Old categories: (Astrology, Birthday Post, Blog Strategy, Career, Decisions, Event, Finance, Health, Intangibles, Year Review, Zingism)
New categories: (Birthday Post, Blog Strategy, Career, Decisions, Event, Finance, Health, Intangibles, Year Review, Zingism, Letter to future-self)
Let's see how it goes! All the best !
This might also solve one more categorisation issue. The current categories of this blog today are not succinctly representing a post covering my theories on life, which are not decisions, which are written in first person (i.e. not Zingism), and which are not strictly related to career or personal life (i.e. intangibles).
Although I am not 100% convinced with the logic of the second para above (while writing I have realized there is overlap), I believe, a section on letter to future self might be interesting.
Wait! I think Astrology is essentially about dealing with future. Hence, I am deleting the category and putting the single post in that category with the new 'letter to future self'.
Old categories: (Astrology, Birthday Post, Blog Strategy, Career, Decisions, Event, Finance, Health, Intangibles, Year Review, Zingism)
New categories: (Birthday Post, Blog Strategy, Career, Decisions, Event, Finance, Health, Intangibles, Year Review, Zingism, Letter to future-self)
Let's see how it goes! All the best !
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Prioritisation factors for choosing a bride
I wrote a blog earlier, last year, about the kind of qualities I look for in a woman whom I want to get married. That was written for a purpose of discussion, which never took place. The thought process and targeted 'beneficiaries' have also changed. Since yesterday, I have been thinking critically why I am biased towards a few things. One hour ago, I also learnt that Abhijit Banerjee, this year's Economics Noble winner, divorced his equally competent Indian wife to marry a German, his research assistant who is a co-recipient of this year noble prize. It seems the turbulence of personal life has little impact on professional accolades.
Let me attack myself critically.
Why I want an independent self sufficient woman? Whole my life (until now), I have been struggling to get settled. To be honest, I am tired of this struggle. I am yet not there where I needn't to prove myself. Constantly, I need to prove myself - to the seniors, to the batch-mate and to the world. This is because I have chosen a non-traditional path, and also because people has put me in slightly high pedestal. At this point of time, I only want a strong companion who knows how to take care of herself. Not only that, I must derive energy from her for my struggle. Am I not capable enough to carry out my own fight? Maybe yes. Then why do I want to depend on someone? Maybe, I am tired. But then the the big question will come- will I be happy if I get something without struggle? I have not been able to answer this as I have not got anything without struggle until now. But the truth is I get attracted towards smart independent woman (as simple as when I see any women driving a car). Since this attraction has to do with the thought process I have evolved over time, it would be difficult for me to suppress this emotion.
What about economic condition of the parents of the bride? Although I keep thinking myself as middle class- look at the house Dada and Maa have built - that's freaking big. Any woman coming from such a big house- I should not term as 'rich' then. It means I should be comfortable in dealing with woman from high middle class background. But the problem is about my personality -- I am quite lower middle class kind of guy. In a 24-hour window, if I have to keep explaining about my middle class behaviour to someone, it would be awkward. Will this behavioural issues lead to tension post marriage? Maybe the woman becomes exactly like me, or I changed as her. How about my family members not feeling comfortable with the other family members? Is that an issue at all? Siblings don't play much role, but I have to be happy, even if I don't consider Maa. How about a career move where I need to stay in Assam/Agia along with family members? The compatibility will not be limited to me and her then.
Look! I think I have a strong inclination towards tall girl and also girls having sizeable breasts/buttocks. Fashionable is not something I will be comfortable with, I think, although those women seems attractable at first look. Here, I am talking about spending entire life, not one night. Healthy, average Assamese good looking is fine. But am I ready to compromise look for career/independence ? This is a big question as I keep talking about career. I think I want look to a certain extent. Highly successful woman without average look- I will not go ahead.
Recently, I think I have developed 'younger to me' logic very strictly. The Pune lady who contacted me is having all the qualities, but I am not going ahead only for the age logic. How ironic is that - I remember I only liked elder women earlier. With time, I am knowing myself better, or, tastes are changing with requirements. I want someone to take care of myself in old ages, rather than I take care of her - how selfish I am! Maa said women can spend time alone in old age, men can't. I try to understand her logic- maybe she is right.
Should I marry someone from Agia around? I remember Mridul's declaration (Manjit can't marry beyond Agia,Karipara,Uportola etc), Dhiramoni's saying (Manjit marrying someone from Agia surrounding will give a sad message to his old crushes) and my own wish that I won't marry someone from nearby. Should I stick to this childhood notion, or should that change as well? From someone who wanted only virgin, I am ok with someone with multiple relationships now. Why then I have not been able to change my old notion of not marrying from neighbourhood?
That's why I keep telling God, please take lead in this decision.
Let me attack myself critically.
Why I want an independent self sufficient woman? Whole my life (until now), I have been struggling to get settled. To be honest, I am tired of this struggle. I am yet not there where I needn't to prove myself. Constantly, I need to prove myself - to the seniors, to the batch-mate and to the world. This is because I have chosen a non-traditional path, and also because people has put me in slightly high pedestal. At this point of time, I only want a strong companion who knows how to take care of herself. Not only that, I must derive energy from her for my struggle. Am I not capable enough to carry out my own fight? Maybe yes. Then why do I want to depend on someone? Maybe, I am tired. But then the the big question will come- will I be happy if I get something without struggle? I have not been able to answer this as I have not got anything without struggle until now. But the truth is I get attracted towards smart independent woman (as simple as when I see any women driving a car). Since this attraction has to do with the thought process I have evolved over time, it would be difficult for me to suppress this emotion.
What about economic condition of the parents of the bride? Although I keep thinking myself as middle class- look at the house Dada and Maa have built - that's freaking big. Any woman coming from such a big house- I should not term as 'rich' then. It means I should be comfortable in dealing with woman from high middle class background. But the problem is about my personality -- I am quite lower middle class kind of guy. In a 24-hour window, if I have to keep explaining about my middle class behaviour to someone, it would be awkward. Will this behavioural issues lead to tension post marriage? Maybe the woman becomes exactly like me, or I changed as her. How about my family members not feeling comfortable with the other family members? Is that an issue at all? Siblings don't play much role, but I have to be happy, even if I don't consider Maa. How about a career move where I need to stay in Assam/Agia along with family members? The compatibility will not be limited to me and her then.
Look! I think I have a strong inclination towards tall girl and also girls having sizeable breasts/buttocks. Fashionable is not something I will be comfortable with, I think, although those women seems attractable at first look. Here, I am talking about spending entire life, not one night. Healthy, average Assamese good looking is fine. But am I ready to compromise look for career/independence ? This is a big question as I keep talking about career. I think I want look to a certain extent. Highly successful woman without average look- I will not go ahead.
Recently, I think I have developed 'younger to me' logic very strictly. The Pune lady who contacted me is having all the qualities, but I am not going ahead only for the age logic. How ironic is that - I remember I only liked elder women earlier. With time, I am knowing myself better, or, tastes are changing with requirements. I want someone to take care of myself in old ages, rather than I take care of her - how selfish I am! Maa said women can spend time alone in old age, men can't. I try to understand her logic- maybe she is right.
Should I marry someone from Agia around? I remember Mridul's declaration (Manjit can't marry beyond Agia,Karipara,Uportola etc), Dhiramoni's saying (Manjit marrying someone from Agia surrounding will give a sad message to his old crushes) and my own wish that I won't marry someone from nearby. Should I stick to this childhood notion, or should that change as well? From someone who wanted only virgin, I am ok with someone with multiple relationships now. Why then I have not been able to change my old notion of not marrying from neighbourhood?
That's why I keep telling God, please take lead in this decision.
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
35th Birthday at NSDC, Delhi
35 is a BI...I....IG number. Although people keeps telling age is just a number, 35 seems really big. When thinking about age, I always wonder, what if I were a woman, specifically an Indian woman, independent but unmarried until 35! Then I think, there is nothing much to get scared- this is just a phase of life that will pass on.
It is 9 AM now- I have started writing the post so that I can finish by the end of the day. It will be full office day at NSDC. Last year, I went home; this year, I decided to spend here only. Manager is on leave and am expecting bit relaxed day.
[Sitting in room#15] : Office activities are going in a non-exciting fashion. I have nothing much to complain as the changes I am expecting can be done only from the leadership level. The RPL team is getting shrunk day by day, scope of no learning from manager and colleague continued, uninspiring leadership still exists, favoritism etc remained. Still, there are positive perspectives - the appraisal happened on time (today my bank account will get the arrears and other things), not much politics in the team, absence of cheap competition, a designation I carry that is worth valuing etc. I remember Vikram Chand's words - you have a title, you have a place to work and getting some amount of money monthly.
Whether I want to continue here at NSDC or explore outside- this is something worth thinking. I have already started thinking (from that notorious Friday when I had to take leave). More or less, there are two 'way forwards' I am thinking -- moving back to for-profit sector (eg- my recent application to Amazon and Facebook for Public Policy Manager roles) or moving to a political appointee type role (only chance here I see having a conversation with HBS). I am also learning to keep my enthusiasm continuing in the current organization so that the frustration of failed job application(s) does not creep in. So far things are under control.
The other thing that is not in control is the personal life which is almost unanimous with marriage. [I have a meeting now, and need to stop writing, 10-22 AM]
[7-55PM, sitting at home]- The day did not go relaxed as expected. After the room#15 writing, I hardly got time to sit and write. I came home with 40+ unread emails. After HR sent email, there has been multiple wishes- both email and physical wishes. Aayushi came to know in the morning and started wishing in the whatsapp group. Aakarshan changed the narrative 'ab ki saal, shaadi ki saal'- eventually the whole office was talking about marriage. The team brought cake, did facial with cream, and I took the whole team for snacks at Foodcourt. People from STT and other teams also joined in. It was really eventful day.
Apart from the above, two conversations dominated the day- my conversation with Aayushi and Punam. So sad to hear that Aayushi's father has been diagonised with Cancer. She was crying like hell. In between that, I had to convey the message of her transfer to the Sankalp team. I presented it in such a way that she feels her importance and influence in NSDC to such extent that CEO and others are noticing her. I was losing a valuable resource, still, I tried to put her interest first.
Then I sat with Punam. I was right in thinking that she hasn't been able to take any decision. Her indecisiveness, in turn, is creating further trouble in aligning resources. I tried to show her different perspectives of her current situation. It was a good positive discussion.
It was also last day for Anju's internship. The discussion I had with Anju regarding my book endeavour taught me many things. She will do English literature from Ambedkar University now. I should be in touch with more people like Anju who can advise me on English literature.
Vandana (HR) asked me how can I be a Leo. I don't look or act like Leo. Maybe, she doesn't know me yet. Or, am I like that?
Coming to the prominent issue of current life/birthday - the marriage thing. There is no update and nothing else is happening on that front. On Trish front, that is a closed chapter since last 1.3 months. It was bad bad closure. I went through some of the most disturbed days and eventually had to engage family members. Oh God- I just want to forget those days, even though overall experience with her had been fantastic. The Anubhav lecture series has come as rescue. Although the good days as per Astrology is far from starting, I hope I should be able to think openly in case of marriage. The next step would be of choice etc. I don't know, I am kind of afraid now, to be honest.
God, you have to really help me here. I am clueless on marriage front. Please, you must act now.
On other things on birthday - gifted INR12,000/- on BD's newly created PPF account, invested INR 50,000/- in Pranjal nursery (2% monthly interest rate), initiated discussion on the flat mentioned by Deva Da (by the way, the day today started at 3-00 AM with Deva da going for taking flight).
I don't want to end the post with any hope. 'Ji hobo, dekha jabo' - I am ending with this attitude. May God bless all of you.
It is 9 AM now- I have started writing the post so that I can finish by the end of the day. It will be full office day at NSDC. Last year, I went home; this year, I decided to spend here only. Manager is on leave and am expecting bit relaxed day.
[Sitting in room#15] : Office activities are going in a non-exciting fashion. I have nothing much to complain as the changes I am expecting can be done only from the leadership level. The RPL team is getting shrunk day by day, scope of no learning from manager and colleague continued, uninspiring leadership still exists, favoritism etc remained. Still, there are positive perspectives - the appraisal happened on time (today my bank account will get the arrears and other things), not much politics in the team, absence of cheap competition, a designation I carry that is worth valuing etc. I remember Vikram Chand's words - you have a title, you have a place to work and getting some amount of money monthly.Whether I want to continue here at NSDC or explore outside- this is something worth thinking. I have already started thinking (from that notorious Friday when I had to take leave). More or less, there are two 'way forwards' I am thinking -- moving back to for-profit sector (eg- my recent application to Amazon and Facebook for Public Policy Manager roles) or moving to a political appointee type role (only chance here I see having a conversation with HBS). I am also learning to keep my enthusiasm continuing in the current organization so that the frustration of failed job application(s) does not creep in. So far things are under control.
The other thing that is not in control is the personal life which is almost unanimous with marriage. [I have a meeting now, and need to stop writing, 10-22 AM]
[7-55PM, sitting at home]- The day did not go relaxed as expected. After the room#15 writing, I hardly got time to sit and write. I came home with 40+ unread emails. After HR sent email, there has been multiple wishes- both email and physical wishes. Aayushi came to know in the morning and started wishing in the whatsapp group. Aakarshan changed the narrative 'ab ki saal, shaadi ki saal'- eventually the whole office was talking about marriage. The team brought cake, did facial with cream, and I took the whole team for snacks at Foodcourt. People from STT and other teams also joined in. It was really eventful day.
Apart from the above, two conversations dominated the day- my conversation with Aayushi and Punam. So sad to hear that Aayushi's father has been diagonised with Cancer. She was crying like hell. In between that, I had to convey the message of her transfer to the Sankalp team. I presented it in such a way that she feels her importance and influence in NSDC to such extent that CEO and others are noticing her. I was losing a valuable resource, still, I tried to put her interest first.Then I sat with Punam. I was right in thinking that she hasn't been able to take any decision. Her indecisiveness, in turn, is creating further trouble in aligning resources. I tried to show her different perspectives of her current situation. It was a good positive discussion.
It was also last day for Anju's internship. The discussion I had with Anju regarding my book endeavour taught me many things. She will do English literature from Ambedkar University now. I should be in touch with more people like Anju who can advise me on English literature.
Vandana (HR) asked me how can I be a Leo. I don't look or act like Leo. Maybe, she doesn't know me yet. Or, am I like that?
Coming to the prominent issue of current life/birthday - the marriage thing. There is no update and nothing else is happening on that front. On Trish front, that is a closed chapter since last 1.3 months. It was bad bad closure. I went through some of the most disturbed days and eventually had to engage family members. Oh God- I just want to forget those days, even though overall experience with her had been fantastic. The Anubhav lecture series has come as rescue. Although the good days as per Astrology is far from starting, I hope I should be able to think openly in case of marriage. The next step would be of choice etc. I don't know, I am kind of afraid now, to be honest.
God, you have to really help me here. I am clueless on marriage front. Please, you must act now.
On other things on birthday - gifted INR12,000/- on BD's newly created PPF account, invested INR 50,000/- in Pranjal nursery (2% monthly interest rate), initiated discussion on the flat mentioned by Deva Da (by the way, the day today started at 3-00 AM with Deva da going for taking flight).
I don't want to end the post with any hope. 'Ji hobo, dekha jabo' - I am ending with this attitude. May God bless all of you.
Monday, May 20, 2019
Goallessness in life
Since I returned from home after the Bihu trip, a strange sense of goallessness (not a right word?) has creepped in. Both in professional and personal life, I am without any aim.
As I have completed one year in NSDC, things have stopped exciting me. The leadership crisis at the organization, the favoritism by CEO, absence of matured and intellectual colleagues, the absolute zero learning have turned me off completely. There are only two events that I am reluctantly waiting - election result+new Skill minister and the pay revision post appraisal, in the same order.
Election result is coming on 23 May. Earlier I had some imagination expecting HBS or Kamakhya Da might become a minister. Nothing happened. Exit poll by seven agencies has predicted return of NDA with clear majority. I just hope a dynamic minister will come, clear up NSDC's worthless top management and the new leadership will be unbiased for creating an employment led skill ecosystem. This particular event might bring back my energy and excitement.
The appraisal went well- I hope MSP will mark me 'High' at least. With the hike, if my CTC crosses 25L, it gives me an impetus for looking for another opportunity. Rather than extensive look out, I wish if some good opportunity just pops up out of luck.
Luck - ha ha! The astrology says from 28 May'19 onwards I would enter into 'Rahu' dasha, which is super awesome for me. Who knows something happens by luck only, for a change!
Range of diverse things are playing in my mind career wise- should I go out of India for a few years for job purpose (I even talked with Geetashri on this), what about again applying for Reliance-Stanford scholarship (I have kept the application page open for last one week, but I am still unsure whether I really need an MBA, that too at this hour of my life), should I start part time PhD in JNU/IIT Delhi etc, how about going for any foreign scholarship for 2-3 months, should I submit the book idea to some funder and fully concentrate on writing, if Kamakhya Da becomes BJP president in Assam, should I try for a assembly seat (forgot the after Oxford disaster), what kind of roles should I try in case I try for jobs outside NSDC, should I stay one more year in NSDC and try for promotion (but how is that possible with MSP in place), should I try to become PS to any minister in new Govt (will I get the salary amount as I am getting now), how about talking with Vikram for any opportunity in World Bank again --- lot of diverse things. You must be able to guess my present state of mind.
[although this post is put under Career label, let me write about personal stuff below to give wholesome picture of goallessness]
But if you are thinking turbulent professional life is killing me, you are naive. Everyday I am praying God that I would still take care of professional life, but please help me sort out my personal life. After Maa put a hold on Trish affair, my marriage thing completely became standstill. I haven't even met any girl in last 1-2 years that I really liked, or matches a few parameters the way Trish did. The relationship with her is in bitter stage as she knows I am coward enough to let this go because of my fear for my illogical mother. I am approaching 35; this is high time. If I have to get married, this is already late. But things are not moving and I can't even see a ray at the end of tunnel. To be honest, I don't know whether there is a tunnel. Everyone else is getting married (even Dibakar) or becoming parent (Pranjal, Mridul), and being single does not look cool now. I am losing this, seriously God. Help me out here, please!
To come out of the goallessness, some time I think of changing the rented house, buying a car, joining a Gym, going to dentist, doing nasty thing such as having sex with prostitute or taking drugs, buying a flat, writing an expose article, changing my hair/beard style, becoming office-bearer in Assam Association - hell lot of crazy thoughts. At the end of the day, I do nothing, sit idle at home, increase my blood pressure- such a waste of time. Taking Hypertension tablet has become frequent now.
Something is wrong. I am ruining time, my health, and maybe my life. How can I come out of this?
Is 28 May the turning point?
As I have completed one year in NSDC, things have stopped exciting me. The leadership crisis at the organization, the favoritism by CEO, absence of matured and intellectual colleagues, the absolute zero learning have turned me off completely. There are only two events that I am reluctantly waiting - election result+new Skill minister and the pay revision post appraisal, in the same order.
 |
| At Shubham's farewell party |
Election result is coming on 23 May. Earlier I had some imagination expecting HBS or Kamakhya Da might become a minister. Nothing happened. Exit poll by seven agencies has predicted return of NDA with clear majority. I just hope a dynamic minister will come, clear up NSDC's worthless top management and the new leadership will be unbiased for creating an employment led skill ecosystem. This particular event might bring back my energy and excitement.
The appraisal went well- I hope MSP will mark me 'High' at least. With the hike, if my CTC crosses 25L, it gives me an impetus for looking for another opportunity. Rather than extensive look out, I wish if some good opportunity just pops up out of luck.
Luck - ha ha! The astrology says from 28 May'19 onwards I would enter into 'Rahu' dasha, which is super awesome for me. Who knows something happens by luck only, for a change!
Range of diverse things are playing in my mind career wise- should I go out of India for a few years for job purpose (I even talked with Geetashri on this), what about again applying for Reliance-Stanford scholarship (I have kept the application page open for last one week, but I am still unsure whether I really need an MBA, that too at this hour of my life), should I start part time PhD in JNU/IIT Delhi etc, how about going for any foreign scholarship for 2-3 months, should I submit the book idea to some funder and fully concentrate on writing, if Kamakhya Da becomes BJP president in Assam, should I try for a assembly seat (forgot the after Oxford disaster), what kind of roles should I try in case I try for jobs outside NSDC, should I stay one more year in NSDC and try for promotion (but how is that possible with MSP in place), should I try to become PS to any minister in new Govt (will I get the salary amount as I am getting now), how about talking with Vikram for any opportunity in World Bank again --- lot of diverse things. You must be able to guess my present state of mind.
[although this post is put under Career label, let me write about personal stuff below to give wholesome picture of goallessness]
But if you are thinking turbulent professional life is killing me, you are naive. Everyday I am praying God that I would still take care of professional life, but please help me sort out my personal life. After Maa put a hold on Trish affair, my marriage thing completely became standstill. I haven't even met any girl in last 1-2 years that I really liked, or matches a few parameters the way Trish did. The relationship with her is in bitter stage as she knows I am coward enough to let this go because of my fear for my illogical mother. I am approaching 35; this is high time. If I have to get married, this is already late. But things are not moving and I can't even see a ray at the end of tunnel. To be honest, I don't know whether there is a tunnel. Everyone else is getting married (even Dibakar) or becoming parent (Pranjal, Mridul), and being single does not look cool now. I am losing this, seriously God. Help me out here, please!
To come out of the goallessness, some time I think of changing the rented house, buying a car, joining a Gym, going to dentist, doing nasty thing such as having sex with prostitute or taking drugs, buying a flat, writing an expose article, changing my hair/beard style, becoming office-bearer in Assam Association - hell lot of crazy thoughts. At the end of the day, I do nothing, sit idle at home, increase my blood pressure- such a waste of time. Taking Hypertension tablet has become frequent now.
Something is wrong. I am ruining time, my health, and maybe my life. How can I come out of this?
Is 28 May the turning point?
Saturday, April 27, 2019
Highlights of FY 2018-19 in terms of inflow and outflow
This is the first FY review post I am writing since I decided to track finances FY wise.
FY 2018-19 has been amazing from financial learning point of view. Robert Kiyosaki and a few others have completely changed my outlook on finance. I started thinking 'money mindedness' might not be a bad idea as I used to think. A few quick recollections:
1. I started thinking how I can diversify my inflow/earning. Although I have not been able to find any concrete idea, I started experimenting. The investment at Pranjal's agriculture is one such example.
2. Testing out different financial tools is one encouraging thing. First time I tried non-banking FD when I opened a FD with Mahindra & Mahindra Finance for 33 months with an interest rate of 9%.
3. I started heavily on Shares and MFs. Only in Sharekhan I invested INR 1,70,000/- in last FY. For now, the idea is to invest only for long term. I have 3 SIPs running currently (although amounts are smaller).
4. For diversification and tax saving, I invested in FD via Moina (1 Lakh) and Maa (2 lakhs). For various reasons, Maa's FD has not been opened yet. It might be opened in Maa's Canara bank account soon.
5. I put much energy in the lands of Kalitapara, Agia-college, Guwahati and Xonsapori. Until now, no progress has been made. I must have investment in Real Estate.
Now, let's have a look at my performance against the goals I wrote in last year's FY review post.
A. Structural Changes: All DONE.
B. Investment should be 30% of total income - DONE (it is 57.34% with a caveat though)
C. Travel should be 10% of total income - Not DONE (it is 4.05% only)
D. Gift/Help should be 5% of total income - Not DONE (it is 3.36% only)
E. Liquid money should be 25% of total income - DONE (it is only 3.4% with a caveat though)
Now, lets have a look at the tables:
1. The outflow/Expenditure table:
2. The Inflow/Income table:
FY 2018-19 has been amazing from financial learning point of view. Robert Kiyosaki and a few others have completely changed my outlook on finance. I started thinking 'money mindedness' might not be a bad idea as I used to think. A few quick recollections:
1. I started thinking how I can diversify my inflow/earning. Although I have not been able to find any concrete idea, I started experimenting. The investment at Pranjal's agriculture is one such example.
2. Testing out different financial tools is one encouraging thing. First time I tried non-banking FD when I opened a FD with Mahindra & Mahindra Finance for 33 months with an interest rate of 9%.
3. I started heavily on Shares and MFs. Only in Sharekhan I invested INR 1,70,000/- in last FY. For now, the idea is to invest only for long term. I have 3 SIPs running currently (although amounts are smaller).
4. For diversification and tax saving, I invested in FD via Moina (1 Lakh) and Maa (2 lakhs). For various reasons, Maa's FD has not been opened yet. It might be opened in Maa's Canara bank account soon.
5. I put much energy in the lands of Kalitapara, Agia-college, Guwahati and Xonsapori. Until now, no progress has been made. I must have investment in Real Estate.
Now, let's have a look at my performance against the goals I wrote in last year's FY review post.
A. Structural Changes: All DONE.
B. Investment should be 30% of total income - DONE (it is 57.34% with a caveat though)
C. Travel should be 10% of total income - Not DONE (it is 4.05% only)
D. Gift/Help should be 5% of total income - Not DONE (it is 3.36% only)
E. Liquid money should be 25% of total income - DONE (it is only 3.4% with a caveat though)
Now, lets have a look at the tables:
1. The outflow/Expenditure table:
| Upkeep | Food | Personal | Family | Investment | Transport | Travel | Gift | Recreation | Tax | Loan | Total | ||
| April | 18383 | 2614 | 3113 | 1170 | 105130 | 1722 | 11261 | 1344 | 3091 | 0 | 101550 | 249378 | |
| May | 40639 | 6950 | 700 | 1457 | 228172 | 1367 | 4144 | 6130 | 1540 | 0 | 14050 | 305149 | |
| June | 18902 | 2902 | 1589 | 5890 | 48192 | 1426 | 450 | 0 | 6095 | 46140 | 12000 | 143586 | |
| July | 16260 | 5084 | 500 | 1001 | 229157 | 1626 | 14068 | 25015 | 2481 | 18132 | 5000 | 318324 | |
| August | 16000 | 5730 | 1970 | 2021 | 36457 | 720 | 5762 | 4619 | 1252 | 16422 | 9170 | 100123 | |
| Sept | 16531 | 2599 | 5600 | 2109 | 20157 | 1751 | 17528.76 | 135 | 3866 | 16422 | 9969 | 96667.76 | |
| Oct | 17611.67 | 2698 | 1500 | 22277 | 177463 | 3493 | 3019 | 7357 | 1080 | 16194 | 1442 | 254134.7 | |
| Nov | 16148 | 3891 | 732 | 828 | 99157 | 667 | 7049 | 280 | 476 | 16194 | 29000 | 174422 | |
| Dec | 16215 | 3485 | 549 | 7838 | 48172 | 726 | 4844 | 4282 | 1431 | 16195 | 0 | 103737 | |
| Jan | 14471 | 1536 | 633 | 3433 | 84657 | 882 | 1927 | 8100 | 2650 | 16194 | 6000 | 140483 | |
| Feb | 14471 | 3154 | 0 | 1831 | 26657 | 210 | 8092 | 8500 | 320 | 14947 | 1500 | 79682 | |
| Mar | 15560 | 2245 | 530 | 10123 | 69457 | 886 | 4280 | 2519 | 3756 | 14946 | 0 | 124302 | |
| Total: | 221191.7 | 42888 | 17416 | 59978 | 1172828 | 15476 | 82424.76 | 68281 | 28038 | 191786 | 189681 | 2089988 | |
| Percentage of total income | 10.87% | 2.11% | 0.86% | 2.95% | 57.64% | 0.76% | 4.05% | 3.36% | 1.38% | 9.43% | 9.32% | 102.71% | |
| * the tax component does not capture the taxes I pay on FDs | |||||||||||||
| * If I don't show the maturity amount in earning, I shouldn't show the reinvested amount in expenditure (under investment)- I must make separate category of rotating money type | |||||||||||||
2. The Inflow/Income table:
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| Observation & thoughts for next year: | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1. Dependency on salary: My income is still concentrated on salary. Although it is 74%, if I show the F&F from NISG under Salary, it would again shoot up. Also, Loan-repay is not exactly income per say. If I consider the two sources- Savings & deposite account interest and market, my non-salaried income is only 5% of my total income. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 2. Other money concept: Some inflow/outflow is confusing when I think from a long term analysis point of view. Eg- the matured amount of an FD, the repaid amount of a loan I extended, exchange happening between cash and card, ATM withdrawn money etc. From next year onward, I have created a separate section called Others to make a mention and track those. The details of this table will not necessarily come in year-end calculation. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 3. FD in my accounts: I have decided I will create no further FDs (let's try at least you middle class!). Existing FDs will be rotated. Only the interest component will come into inflow. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 4. Heavy tax: I have a huge tax component piled up. Also, liquid money is only increasing. I must do something. An investment in real estate, heavy expenditure in marriage of Moina/mine are the only way forwards. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 5. Loan component, NPA etc: I have just observed my loan component is around 10%. The NPA is only INR 300/- for the last FY. However, I must rename this as interest free loan (rather help) as I don't get a penny as interest. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 6. Total inflow/outflow comparison: I was trying to do a total inflow vs outflow. However, it is difficult this year as I put FD amount in outflow at 2-3 places, but didn't put the maturity amount in inflow. From FY 2019-20, this would make sense I have introduced the 'Other' section. With an quick uninformed eye, I spent INR55,139 more than I earned last FY. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 7. Diversification of investment: I should keep doing this and must also keep track. In next year, I should be able to give different heads under which investment has been made. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 8. Overlapping expense heads: Suppose I travel for the book. Should I keep this under Personal or travel? [for now under travel] These questions will keep coming and I must keep finding solutions. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Parting thought: When we do a task without a coherence objective, confusion/frustration do come. Many a times, I think financial analysis is like this. However, you never know how and when you find out the coherence objective. And then, all these pre- activities act as stimulus. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| My this observation has come from the recent personal initiative of "Zing Travel Express". All the travels I had undertaken long back, 1-2 photos I took, 1-2 posts/notes I have written suddenly became so much important for me. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Just writing life (before this FY ends)
Before I start this post, I glanced at the labels available in this blog. Nothing matches with what I am going to write. In fact, I am not sure what I am going to write. After spending two days of weekend at the rented house alone without much work, I am up with this post. For the time being, I am putting this under 'event' label.
Since I have not been able to write regularly, I feel the necessity of penning down my changing thought process at times in some format. Let me write a few below:
A. Finding a purpose for travel: As you might know, I am not a travel enthusiast. When the requirement of making monitoring visits came at office, and I have to select a place out of the list of 50, I took a pause. I must associate a purpose to this, otherwise, I will not be able to connect the dots. I made the excel sheet "Zing Travel Express" mentioning all the Indian states (today I made for other countries as well) I visited with dates and purpose. It threw up names of states I never visited. In the last 2-3 months I ticked the states such as Madhya Pradesh, Bihar etc. I am also utilizing one day of the weekend for official travel purpose without asking for any compensatory off. I have realized amazing thoughts keep coming to my mind when I am traveling. I talk to my inner self a lot. From knowledge point of view as well, I am learning hell lot of new things. The last RPL BICE visits (one during Holi) made me aware how logistic companies and mines work. Superb learning! Thus, I have found a purpose behind travel and a counter (Zing Travel Express) to keep track.
B. Setting up the other goal of life: As promised in the year-review post, I have started writing the book. You would be surprised I have completed three chapters as well. Again, travel has to be credited as I wrote the first chapter while traveling in Satabdi Express. In trains, my brain opens up like anything. While traveling from Bhopal to Delhi, I didn't request for air travel to concentrate on writing; output was the second chapter. This mission works as a medicine whenever I feel disillusioned with the NSDC job. I am forced to read many books and establish contacts as well for this endeavor. I feel good that I am investing my time into something productive, irrespective of the final output.
C. Office: Appraisal activities have started at office, RPL certification has crossed 1 million last week. Chasing the RPL numbers has become a nice purpose at office work. The non-learning from manager has continued. I feel, the more I am getting experienced in job, the more my manager is feeling inferior. With brilliant ideas clicking in my mind, I need to think ways how not to override him. I have realized my potential and now sincerely believe a super smart manager is what I should aspire to work under. The team is good so far apart from pains such as Mrs P(I can't understand how a CA can be so dumb), Miss T (how people can interpret everything in the wrong way and effectively utilize attack is the best way for defense) and Miss N (thank God she moves out). To be honest, I feel possessive about my reportees and want to do the best to them. But, as they say "being good is the least you can do". I don't think highly about the CEO now, looking at the mess and favoritism at the leadership level. I am slowly losing interest in NSDC, except the RPL thing (even I discussed about writing a paper on RPL with Monu). Just waiting for the post election changes.
D. National Election: I am going home for Rongali Bihu and will return only after voting. I was expecting a lot of change with HBS coming into Delhi and taking up a powerful ministry in case Modi returns. But there was big drama about his ticket and finally he was denied. I (and many others) was stunned. I couldn't help myself writing an email to him. Kamakhya Da was also denied. Now, I don't have any hope that election result would impact anything personally. Long back astrologer told my good times will start from May-June this year; I don't know how. If good time mean a job in NSDC with nice work and relatively calm atmosphere, I pity the astrologer.
E. Family: Moina joining PWC in Guwahati is definitely a good news of recent days. Although she lost her bag just on the second day and her quarrel with Tapan has been continuing on marriage front,
I am still positive - that's the charm of native place maybe. In case of Dada, I have no visibility whether sending back Bou and family to Agia has helped him save any money or not. Working under an Army officer and looking at his level of thought, I often get paranoid about Dada. He was just a sailor which these officers don't even consider worth talking. Now, look at their thought level (relating Mohit's Malaysian trip expense with salary increase request) and my expectation from Dada. I want to cry for Dada- he missed the bus. He has gone so far now that making him realize where he is standing, is itself a challenge. The other day in Xomidhan meeting, when Bidyut Da was mentioning why aiming to be a clerk is wrong, I kept silent. I have one brother who is a clerk and one sister-in-law who is not able to clear exam even for clerk. I am not ashamed of them; I feel bad for the missed opportunity. With the level of knowledge and enthusiasm Dada deserves much better position. Being a rank holder in Mathematics Hons in GU, Bou could have nailed an amazing career. They are both victim of middle class thought process (maybe) and that's my pain. Maa is fine; she tries to do emotional blackmailing with the marriage thing sometimes. I should have a serious conversation with her soon, maybe that would be my second attempt after the disastrous attempt in April 2018. She still thinks marriage in her own terms, but for me, the definition is completely different. I don't know whether I would be able to convince her or not. The bigger question is - am I convinced about anything on this? Answer is NO. In my prayers to God these days, I often said, "Dear God, I will take care of office, career, election, book, but I am clueless on the marriage thing. You please concentrate on my marriage". God still hasn't listened.
F. Gaining maturity: I feel good after seeing a few people victim of turbulent thoughts which I underwent years ago. Some thoughts are related to middle class, some are with relationship, some to do with liberalism and some are with conservatives; a few with finances, a few with goals & objectives. There was a time I used to cry/wonder how I would live with so disturbing and unanswered thoughts. Time is a great healer. But when I think about BD and Junma going through these thoughts and coming to maturity one day, somewhere I get scared. I have been tough throughout, it is not that easy to maintain toughness.
G. Health: I have been thinking of writing a blog on the reports of health check up I did at Medanta as part of company package. For last two months reports are lying at my desk, but I have not been able to write anything. The biggest pending thing in health is the 2 RCT in my teeth that is pending. It has already crossed all limits and I must make sure some steps. There is no good dental clinic in Mahipalpur. Rest everything is fine. Even blood pressure is at the normal level.
The winter was quite long this time and the summer is just knocking on the door.
That's all for today! Take care.
Since I have not been able to write regularly, I feel the necessity of penning down my changing thought process at times in some format. Let me write a few below:
 |
| One yogi in front of Adiyogi |
 |
| Writing while traveling via train |
C. Office: Appraisal activities have started at office, RPL certification has crossed 1 million last week. Chasing the RPL numbers has become a nice purpose at office work. The non-learning from manager has continued. I feel, the more I am getting experienced in job, the more my manager is feeling inferior. With brilliant ideas clicking in my mind, I need to think ways how not to override him. I have realized my potential and now sincerely believe a super smart manager is what I should aspire to work under. The team is good so far apart from pains such as Mrs P(I can't understand how a CA can be so dumb), Miss T (how people can interpret everything in the wrong way and effectively utilize attack is the best way for defense) and Miss N (thank God she moves out). To be honest, I feel possessive about my reportees and want to do the best to them. But, as they say "being good is the least you can do". I don't think highly about the CEO now, looking at the mess and favoritism at the leadership level. I am slowly losing interest in NSDC, except the RPL thing (even I discussed about writing a paper on RPL with Monu). Just waiting for the post election changes.
D. National Election: I am going home for Rongali Bihu and will return only after voting. I was expecting a lot of change with HBS coming into Delhi and taking up a powerful ministry in case Modi returns. But there was big drama about his ticket and finally he was denied. I (and many others) was stunned. I couldn't help myself writing an email to him. Kamakhya Da was also denied. Now, I don't have any hope that election result would impact anything personally. Long back astrologer told my good times will start from May-June this year; I don't know how. If good time mean a job in NSDC with nice work and relatively calm atmosphere, I pity the astrologer.
E. Family: Moina joining PWC in Guwahati is definitely a good news of recent days. Although she lost her bag just on the second day and her quarrel with Tapan has been continuing on marriage front,
F. Gaining maturity: I feel good after seeing a few people victim of turbulent thoughts which I underwent years ago. Some thoughts are related to middle class, some are with relationship, some to do with liberalism and some are with conservatives; a few with finances, a few with goals & objectives. There was a time I used to cry/wonder how I would live with so disturbing and unanswered thoughts. Time is a great healer. But when I think about BD and Junma going through these thoughts and coming to maturity one day, somewhere I get scared. I have been tough throughout, it is not that easy to maintain toughness.
G. Health: I have been thinking of writing a blog on the reports of health check up I did at Medanta as part of company package. For last two months reports are lying at my desk, but I have not been able to write anything. The biggest pending thing in health is the 2 RCT in my teeth that is pending. It has already crossed all limits and I must make sure some steps. There is no good dental clinic in Mahipalpur. Rest everything is fine. Even blood pressure is at the normal level.
The winter was quite long this time and the summer is just knocking on the door.
That's all for today! Take care.
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