35th Birthday at NSDC, Delhi

35 is a BI...I....IG number. Although people keeps telling age is just a number, 35 seems really big. When thinking about age, I always wonder, what if I were a woman, specifically an Indian woman, independent but unmarried until 35! Then I think, there is nothing much to get scared- this is just a phase of life that will pass on.

It is 9 AM now- I have started writing the post so that I can finish by the end of the day. It will be full office day at NSDC. Last year, I went home; this year, I decided to spend here only. Manager is on leave and am expecting bit relaxed day.

[Sitting in room#15] : Office activities are going in a non-exciting fashion. I have nothing much to complain as the changes I am expecting can be done only from the leadership level. The RPL team is getting shrunk day by day, scope of no learning from manager and colleague continued, uninspiring leadership still exists, favoritism etc remained. Still, there are positive perspectives - the appraisal happened on time (today my bank account will get the arrears and other things), not much politics in the team, absence of cheap competition, a designation I carry that is worth valuing etc. I remember Vikram Chand's words - you have a title, you have a place to work and getting some amount of money monthly.

Whether I want to continue here at NSDC or explore outside- this is something worth thinking. I have already started thinking (from that notorious Friday when I had to take leave). More or less, there are two 'way forwards' I am thinking -- moving back to for-profit sector (eg- my recent application to Amazon and Facebook for Public Policy Manager roles) or moving to a political appointee type role (only chance here I see having a conversation with HBS). I am also learning to keep my enthusiasm continuing in the current organization so that the frustration of failed job application(s) does not creep in. So far things are under control.

The other thing that is not in control is the personal life which is almost unanimous with marriage. [I have a meeting now, and need to stop writing, 10-22 AM]

[7-55PM, sitting at home]- The day did not go relaxed as expected. After the room#15 writing, I hardly got time to sit and write. I came home with 40+ unread emails. After HR sent email, there has been multiple wishes- both email and physical wishes. Aayushi came to know in the morning and started wishing in the whatsapp group. Aakarshan changed the narrative 'ab ki saal, shaadi ki saal'- eventually the whole office was talking about marriage. The team brought cake, did facial with cream, and I took the whole team for snacks at Foodcourt. People from STT and other teams also joined in. It was really eventful day.

Apart from the above, two conversations dominated the day- my conversation with Aayushi and Punam. So sad to hear that Aayushi's father has been diagonised with Cancer. She was crying like hell. In between that, I had to convey the message of her transfer to the Sankalp team. I presented it in such a way that she feels her importance and influence in NSDC to such extent that CEO and others are noticing her. I was losing a valuable resource, still, I tried to put her interest first.

Then I sat with Punam. I was right in thinking that she hasn't been able to take any decision. Her indecisiveness, in turn, is creating further trouble in aligning resources. I tried to show her different perspectives of her current situation. It was a good positive discussion.

It was also last day for Anju's internship. The discussion I had with Anju regarding my book endeavour taught me many things. She will do English literature from Ambedkar University now. I should be in touch with more people like Anju who can advise me on English literature.

Vandana (HR) asked me how can I be a Leo. I don't look or act like Leo. Maybe, she doesn't know me yet. Or, am I like that?


Coming to the prominent issue of current life/birthday - the marriage thing. There is no update and nothing else is happening on that front. On Trish front, that is a closed chapter since last 1.3 months. It was bad bad closure. I went through some of the most disturbed days and eventually had to engage family members. Oh God- I just want to forget those days, even though overall experience with her had been fantastic. The Anubhav lecture series has come as rescue. Although the good days as per Astrology is far from starting, I hope I should be able to think openly in case of marriage. The next step would be of choice etc. I don't know, I am kind of afraid now, to be honest.

God, you have to really help me here. I am clueless on marriage front. Please, you must act now.

On other things on birthday - gifted INR12,000/- on BD's newly created PPF account, invested INR 50,000/- in Pranjal nursery (2% monthly interest rate), initiated discussion on the flat mentioned by Deva Da (by the way, the day today started at 3-00 AM with Deva da going for taking flight).

I don't want to end the post with any hope. 'Ji hobo, dekha jabo' - I am ending with this attitude. May God bless all of you.