Writing letter to future self is not a new idea. I think (if I remember correctly) while talking to Shainky, my junior from NIT Durgapur, this idea again popped up.
This might also solve one more categorisation issue. The current categories of this blog today are not succinctly representing a post covering my theories on life, which are not decisions, which are written in first person (i.e. not Zingism), and which are not strictly related to career or personal life (i.e. intangibles).
Although I am not 100% convinced with the logic of the second para above (while writing I have realized there is overlap), I believe, a section on letter to future self might be interesting.
Wait! I think Astrology is essentially about dealing with future. Hence, I am deleting the category and putting the single post in that category with the new 'letter to future self'.
Old categories: (Astrology, Birthday Post, Blog Strategy, Career, Decisions, Event, Finance, Health, Intangibles, Year Review, Zingism)
New categories: (Birthday Post, Blog Strategy, Career, Decisions, Event, Finance, Health, Intangibles, Year Review, Zingism, Letter to future-self)
Let's see how it goes! All the best !
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Prioritisation factors for choosing a bride
I wrote a blog earlier, last year, about the kind of qualities I look for in a woman whom I want to get married. That was written for a purpose of discussion, which never took place. The thought process and targeted 'beneficiaries' have also changed. Since yesterday, I have been thinking critically why I am biased towards a few things. One hour ago, I also learnt that Abhijit Banerjee, this year's Economics Noble winner, divorced his equally competent Indian wife to marry a German, his research assistant who is a co-recipient of this year noble prize. It seems the turbulence of personal life has little impact on professional accolades.
Let me attack myself critically.
Why I want an independent self sufficient woman? Whole my life (until now), I have been struggling to get settled. To be honest, I am tired of this struggle. I am yet not there where I needn't to prove myself. Constantly, I need to prove myself - to the seniors, to the batch-mate and to the world. This is because I have chosen a non-traditional path, and also because people has put me in slightly high pedestal. At this point of time, I only want a strong companion who knows how to take care of herself. Not only that, I must derive energy from her for my struggle. Am I not capable enough to carry out my own fight? Maybe yes. Then why do I want to depend on someone? Maybe, I am tired. But then the the big question will come- will I be happy if I get something without struggle? I have not been able to answer this as I have not got anything without struggle until now. But the truth is I get attracted towards smart independent woman (as simple as when I see any women driving a car). Since this attraction has to do with the thought process I have evolved over time, it would be difficult for me to suppress this emotion.
What about economic condition of the parents of the bride? Although I keep thinking myself as middle class- look at the house Dada and Maa have built - that's freaking big. Any woman coming from such a big house- I should not term as 'rich' then. It means I should be comfortable in dealing with woman from high middle class background. But the problem is about my personality -- I am quite lower middle class kind of guy. In a 24-hour window, if I have to keep explaining about my middle class behaviour to someone, it would be awkward. Will this behavioural issues lead to tension post marriage? Maybe the woman becomes exactly like me, or I changed as her. How about my family members not feeling comfortable with the other family members? Is that an issue at all? Siblings don't play much role, but I have to be happy, even if I don't consider Maa. How about a career move where I need to stay in Assam/Agia along with family members? The compatibility will not be limited to me and her then.
Look! I think I have a strong inclination towards tall girl and also girls having sizeable breasts/buttocks. Fashionable is not something I will be comfortable with, I think, although those women seems attractable at first look. Here, I am talking about spending entire life, not one night. Healthy, average Assamese good looking is fine. But am I ready to compromise look for career/independence ? This is a big question as I keep talking about career. I think I want look to a certain extent. Highly successful woman without average look- I will not go ahead.
Recently, I think I have developed 'younger to me' logic very strictly. The Pune lady who contacted me is having all the qualities, but I am not going ahead only for the age logic. How ironic is that - I remember I only liked elder women earlier. With time, I am knowing myself better, or, tastes are changing with requirements. I want someone to take care of myself in old ages, rather than I take care of her - how selfish I am! Maa said women can spend time alone in old age, men can't. I try to understand her logic- maybe she is right.
Should I marry someone from Agia around? I remember Mridul's declaration (Manjit can't marry beyond Agia,Karipara,Uportola etc), Dhiramoni's saying (Manjit marrying someone from Agia surrounding will give a sad message to his old crushes) and my own wish that I won't marry someone from nearby. Should I stick to this childhood notion, or should that change as well? From someone who wanted only virgin, I am ok with someone with multiple relationships now. Why then I have not been able to change my old notion of not marrying from neighbourhood?
That's why I keep telling God, please take lead in this decision.
Let me attack myself critically.
Why I want an independent self sufficient woman? Whole my life (until now), I have been struggling to get settled. To be honest, I am tired of this struggle. I am yet not there where I needn't to prove myself. Constantly, I need to prove myself - to the seniors, to the batch-mate and to the world. This is because I have chosen a non-traditional path, and also because people has put me in slightly high pedestal. At this point of time, I only want a strong companion who knows how to take care of herself. Not only that, I must derive energy from her for my struggle. Am I not capable enough to carry out my own fight? Maybe yes. Then why do I want to depend on someone? Maybe, I am tired. But then the the big question will come- will I be happy if I get something without struggle? I have not been able to answer this as I have not got anything without struggle until now. But the truth is I get attracted towards smart independent woman (as simple as when I see any women driving a car). Since this attraction has to do with the thought process I have evolved over time, it would be difficult for me to suppress this emotion.
What about economic condition of the parents of the bride? Although I keep thinking myself as middle class- look at the house Dada and Maa have built - that's freaking big. Any woman coming from such a big house- I should not term as 'rich' then. It means I should be comfortable in dealing with woman from high middle class background. But the problem is about my personality -- I am quite lower middle class kind of guy. In a 24-hour window, if I have to keep explaining about my middle class behaviour to someone, it would be awkward. Will this behavioural issues lead to tension post marriage? Maybe the woman becomes exactly like me, or I changed as her. How about my family members not feeling comfortable with the other family members? Is that an issue at all? Siblings don't play much role, but I have to be happy, even if I don't consider Maa. How about a career move where I need to stay in Assam/Agia along with family members? The compatibility will not be limited to me and her then.
Look! I think I have a strong inclination towards tall girl and also girls having sizeable breasts/buttocks. Fashionable is not something I will be comfortable with, I think, although those women seems attractable at first look. Here, I am talking about spending entire life, not one night. Healthy, average Assamese good looking is fine. But am I ready to compromise look for career/independence ? This is a big question as I keep talking about career. I think I want look to a certain extent. Highly successful woman without average look- I will not go ahead.
Recently, I think I have developed 'younger to me' logic very strictly. The Pune lady who contacted me is having all the qualities, but I am not going ahead only for the age logic. How ironic is that - I remember I only liked elder women earlier. With time, I am knowing myself better, or, tastes are changing with requirements. I want someone to take care of myself in old ages, rather than I take care of her - how selfish I am! Maa said women can spend time alone in old age, men can't. I try to understand her logic- maybe she is right.
Should I marry someone from Agia around? I remember Mridul's declaration (Manjit can't marry beyond Agia,Karipara,Uportola etc), Dhiramoni's saying (Manjit marrying someone from Agia surrounding will give a sad message to his old crushes) and my own wish that I won't marry someone from nearby. Should I stick to this childhood notion, or should that change as well? From someone who wanted only virgin, I am ok with someone with multiple relationships now. Why then I have not been able to change my old notion of not marrying from neighbourhood?
That's why I keep telling God, please take lead in this decision.
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
35th Birthday at NSDC, Delhi
35 is a BI...I....IG number. Although people keeps telling age is just a number, 35 seems really big. When thinking about age, I always wonder, what if I were a woman, specifically an Indian woman, independent but unmarried until 35! Then I think, there is nothing much to get scared- this is just a phase of life that will pass on.
It is 9 AM now- I have started writing the post so that I can finish by the end of the day. It will be full office day at NSDC. Last year, I went home; this year, I decided to spend here only. Manager is on leave and am expecting bit relaxed day.
[Sitting in room#15] : Office activities are going in a non-exciting fashion. I have nothing much to complain as the changes I am expecting can be done only from the leadership level. The RPL team is getting shrunk day by day, scope of no learning from manager and colleague continued, uninspiring leadership still exists, favoritism etc remained. Still, there are positive perspectives - the appraisal happened on time (today my bank account will get the arrears and other things), not much politics in the team, absence of cheap competition, a designation I carry that is worth valuing etc. I remember Vikram Chand's words - you have a title, you have a place to work and getting some amount of money monthly.
Whether I want to continue here at NSDC or explore outside- this is something worth thinking. I have already started thinking (from that notorious Friday when I had to take leave). More or less, there are two 'way forwards' I am thinking -- moving back to for-profit sector (eg- my recent application to Amazon and Facebook for Public Policy Manager roles) or moving to a political appointee type role (only chance here I see having a conversation with HBS). I am also learning to keep my enthusiasm continuing in the current organization so that the frustration of failed job application(s) does not creep in. So far things are under control.
The other thing that is not in control is the personal life which is almost unanimous with marriage. [I have a meeting now, and need to stop writing, 10-22 AM]
[7-55PM, sitting at home]- The day did not go relaxed as expected. After the room#15 writing, I hardly got time to sit and write. I came home with 40+ unread emails. After HR sent email, there has been multiple wishes- both email and physical wishes. Aayushi came to know in the morning and started wishing in the whatsapp group. Aakarshan changed the narrative 'ab ki saal, shaadi ki saal'- eventually the whole office was talking about marriage. The team brought cake, did facial with cream, and I took the whole team for snacks at Foodcourt. People from STT and other teams also joined in. It was really eventful day.
Apart from the above, two conversations dominated the day- my conversation with Aayushi and Punam. So sad to hear that Aayushi's father has been diagonised with Cancer. She was crying like hell. In between that, I had to convey the message of her transfer to the Sankalp team. I presented it in such a way that she feels her importance and influence in NSDC to such extent that CEO and others are noticing her. I was losing a valuable resource, still, I tried to put her interest first.
Then I sat with Punam. I was right in thinking that she hasn't been able to take any decision. Her indecisiveness, in turn, is creating further trouble in aligning resources. I tried to show her different perspectives of her current situation. It was a good positive discussion.
It was also last day for Anju's internship. The discussion I had with Anju regarding my book endeavour taught me many things. She will do English literature from Ambedkar University now. I should be in touch with more people like Anju who can advise me on English literature.
Vandana (HR) asked me how can I be a Leo. I don't look or act like Leo. Maybe, she doesn't know me yet. Or, am I like that?
Coming to the prominent issue of current life/birthday - the marriage thing. There is no update and nothing else is happening on that front. On Trish front, that is a closed chapter since last 1.3 months. It was bad bad closure. I went through some of the most disturbed days and eventually had to engage family members. Oh God- I just want to forget those days, even though overall experience with her had been fantastic. The Anubhav lecture series has come as rescue. Although the good days as per Astrology is far from starting, I hope I should be able to think openly in case of marriage. The next step would be of choice etc. I don't know, I am kind of afraid now, to be honest.
God, you have to really help me here. I am clueless on marriage front. Please, you must act now.
On other things on birthday - gifted INR12,000/- on BD's newly created PPF account, invested INR 50,000/- in Pranjal nursery (2% monthly interest rate), initiated discussion on the flat mentioned by Deva Da (by the way, the day today started at 3-00 AM with Deva da going for taking flight).
I don't want to end the post with any hope. 'Ji hobo, dekha jabo' - I am ending with this attitude. May God bless all of you.
It is 9 AM now- I have started writing the post so that I can finish by the end of the day. It will be full office day at NSDC. Last year, I went home; this year, I decided to spend here only. Manager is on leave and am expecting bit relaxed day.
[Sitting in room#15] : Office activities are going in a non-exciting fashion. I have nothing much to complain as the changes I am expecting can be done only from the leadership level. The RPL team is getting shrunk day by day, scope of no learning from manager and colleague continued, uninspiring leadership still exists, favoritism etc remained. Still, there are positive perspectives - the appraisal happened on time (today my bank account will get the arrears and other things), not much politics in the team, absence of cheap competition, a designation I carry that is worth valuing etc. I remember Vikram Chand's words - you have a title, you have a place to work and getting some amount of money monthly.Whether I want to continue here at NSDC or explore outside- this is something worth thinking. I have already started thinking (from that notorious Friday when I had to take leave). More or less, there are two 'way forwards' I am thinking -- moving back to for-profit sector (eg- my recent application to Amazon and Facebook for Public Policy Manager roles) or moving to a political appointee type role (only chance here I see having a conversation with HBS). I am also learning to keep my enthusiasm continuing in the current organization so that the frustration of failed job application(s) does not creep in. So far things are under control.
The other thing that is not in control is the personal life which is almost unanimous with marriage. [I have a meeting now, and need to stop writing, 10-22 AM]
[7-55PM, sitting at home]- The day did not go relaxed as expected. After the room#15 writing, I hardly got time to sit and write. I came home with 40+ unread emails. After HR sent email, there has been multiple wishes- both email and physical wishes. Aayushi came to know in the morning and started wishing in the whatsapp group. Aakarshan changed the narrative 'ab ki saal, shaadi ki saal'- eventually the whole office was talking about marriage. The team brought cake, did facial with cream, and I took the whole team for snacks at Foodcourt. People from STT and other teams also joined in. It was really eventful day.
Apart from the above, two conversations dominated the day- my conversation with Aayushi and Punam. So sad to hear that Aayushi's father has been diagonised with Cancer. She was crying like hell. In between that, I had to convey the message of her transfer to the Sankalp team. I presented it in such a way that she feels her importance and influence in NSDC to such extent that CEO and others are noticing her. I was losing a valuable resource, still, I tried to put her interest first.Then I sat with Punam. I was right in thinking that she hasn't been able to take any decision. Her indecisiveness, in turn, is creating further trouble in aligning resources. I tried to show her different perspectives of her current situation. It was a good positive discussion.
It was also last day for Anju's internship. The discussion I had with Anju regarding my book endeavour taught me many things. She will do English literature from Ambedkar University now. I should be in touch with more people like Anju who can advise me on English literature.
Vandana (HR) asked me how can I be a Leo. I don't look or act like Leo. Maybe, she doesn't know me yet. Or, am I like that?
Coming to the prominent issue of current life/birthday - the marriage thing. There is no update and nothing else is happening on that front. On Trish front, that is a closed chapter since last 1.3 months. It was bad bad closure. I went through some of the most disturbed days and eventually had to engage family members. Oh God- I just want to forget those days, even though overall experience with her had been fantastic. The Anubhav lecture series has come as rescue. Although the good days as per Astrology is far from starting, I hope I should be able to think openly in case of marriage. The next step would be of choice etc. I don't know, I am kind of afraid now, to be honest.
God, you have to really help me here. I am clueless on marriage front. Please, you must act now.
On other things on birthday - gifted INR12,000/- on BD's newly created PPF account, invested INR 50,000/- in Pranjal nursery (2% monthly interest rate), initiated discussion on the flat mentioned by Deva Da (by the way, the day today started at 3-00 AM with Deva da going for taking flight).
I don't want to end the post with any hope. 'Ji hobo, dekha jabo' - I am ending with this attitude. May God bless all of you.
Monday, May 20, 2019
Goallessness in life
Since I returned from home after the Bihu trip, a strange sense of goallessness (not a right word?) has creepped in. Both in professional and personal life, I am without any aim.
As I have completed one year in NSDC, things have stopped exciting me. The leadership crisis at the organization, the favoritism by CEO, absence of matured and intellectual colleagues, the absolute zero learning have turned me off completely. There are only two events that I am reluctantly waiting - election result+new Skill minister and the pay revision post appraisal, in the same order.
Election result is coming on 23 May. Earlier I had some imagination expecting HBS or Kamakhya Da might become a minister. Nothing happened. Exit poll by seven agencies has predicted return of NDA with clear majority. I just hope a dynamic minister will come, clear up NSDC's worthless top management and the new leadership will be unbiased for creating an employment led skill ecosystem. This particular event might bring back my energy and excitement.
The appraisal went well- I hope MSP will mark me 'High' at least. With the hike, if my CTC crosses 25L, it gives me an impetus for looking for another opportunity. Rather than extensive look out, I wish if some good opportunity just pops up out of luck.
Luck - ha ha! The astrology says from 28 May'19 onwards I would enter into 'Rahu' dasha, which is super awesome for me. Who knows something happens by luck only, for a change!
Range of diverse things are playing in my mind career wise- should I go out of India for a few years for job purpose (I even talked with Geetashri on this), what about again applying for Reliance-Stanford scholarship (I have kept the application page open for last one week, but I am still unsure whether I really need an MBA, that too at this hour of my life), should I start part time PhD in JNU/IIT Delhi etc, how about going for any foreign scholarship for 2-3 months, should I submit the book idea to some funder and fully concentrate on writing, if Kamakhya Da becomes BJP president in Assam, should I try for a assembly seat (forgot the after Oxford disaster), what kind of roles should I try in case I try for jobs outside NSDC, should I stay one more year in NSDC and try for promotion (but how is that possible with MSP in place), should I try to become PS to any minister in new Govt (will I get the salary amount as I am getting now), how about talking with Vikram for any opportunity in World Bank again --- lot of diverse things. You must be able to guess my present state of mind.
[although this post is put under Career label, let me write about personal stuff below to give wholesome picture of goallessness]
But if you are thinking turbulent professional life is killing me, you are naive. Everyday I am praying God that I would still take care of professional life, but please help me sort out my personal life. After Maa put a hold on Trish affair, my marriage thing completely became standstill. I haven't even met any girl in last 1-2 years that I really liked, or matches a few parameters the way Trish did. The relationship with her is in bitter stage as she knows I am coward enough to let this go because of my fear for my illogical mother. I am approaching 35; this is high time. If I have to get married, this is already late. But things are not moving and I can't even see a ray at the end of tunnel. To be honest, I don't know whether there is a tunnel. Everyone else is getting married (even Dibakar) or becoming parent (Pranjal, Mridul), and being single does not look cool now. I am losing this, seriously God. Help me out here, please!
To come out of the goallessness, some time I think of changing the rented house, buying a car, joining a Gym, going to dentist, doing nasty thing such as having sex with prostitute or taking drugs, buying a flat, writing an expose article, changing my hair/beard style, becoming office-bearer in Assam Association - hell lot of crazy thoughts. At the end of the day, I do nothing, sit idle at home, increase my blood pressure- such a waste of time. Taking Hypertension tablet has become frequent now.
Something is wrong. I am ruining time, my health, and maybe my life. How can I come out of this?
Is 28 May the turning point?
As I have completed one year in NSDC, things have stopped exciting me. The leadership crisis at the organization, the favoritism by CEO, absence of matured and intellectual colleagues, the absolute zero learning have turned me off completely. There are only two events that I am reluctantly waiting - election result+new Skill minister and the pay revision post appraisal, in the same order.
 |
| At Shubham's farewell party |
Election result is coming on 23 May. Earlier I had some imagination expecting HBS or Kamakhya Da might become a minister. Nothing happened. Exit poll by seven agencies has predicted return of NDA with clear majority. I just hope a dynamic minister will come, clear up NSDC's worthless top management and the new leadership will be unbiased for creating an employment led skill ecosystem. This particular event might bring back my energy and excitement.
The appraisal went well- I hope MSP will mark me 'High' at least. With the hike, if my CTC crosses 25L, it gives me an impetus for looking for another opportunity. Rather than extensive look out, I wish if some good opportunity just pops up out of luck.
Luck - ha ha! The astrology says from 28 May'19 onwards I would enter into 'Rahu' dasha, which is super awesome for me. Who knows something happens by luck only, for a change!
Range of diverse things are playing in my mind career wise- should I go out of India for a few years for job purpose (I even talked with Geetashri on this), what about again applying for Reliance-Stanford scholarship (I have kept the application page open for last one week, but I am still unsure whether I really need an MBA, that too at this hour of my life), should I start part time PhD in JNU/IIT Delhi etc, how about going for any foreign scholarship for 2-3 months, should I submit the book idea to some funder and fully concentrate on writing, if Kamakhya Da becomes BJP president in Assam, should I try for a assembly seat (forgot the after Oxford disaster), what kind of roles should I try in case I try for jobs outside NSDC, should I stay one more year in NSDC and try for promotion (but how is that possible with MSP in place), should I try to become PS to any minister in new Govt (will I get the salary amount as I am getting now), how about talking with Vikram for any opportunity in World Bank again --- lot of diverse things. You must be able to guess my present state of mind.
[although this post is put under Career label, let me write about personal stuff below to give wholesome picture of goallessness]
But if you are thinking turbulent professional life is killing me, you are naive. Everyday I am praying God that I would still take care of professional life, but please help me sort out my personal life. After Maa put a hold on Trish affair, my marriage thing completely became standstill. I haven't even met any girl in last 1-2 years that I really liked, or matches a few parameters the way Trish did. The relationship with her is in bitter stage as she knows I am coward enough to let this go because of my fear for my illogical mother. I am approaching 35; this is high time. If I have to get married, this is already late. But things are not moving and I can't even see a ray at the end of tunnel. To be honest, I don't know whether there is a tunnel. Everyone else is getting married (even Dibakar) or becoming parent (Pranjal, Mridul), and being single does not look cool now. I am losing this, seriously God. Help me out here, please!
To come out of the goallessness, some time I think of changing the rented house, buying a car, joining a Gym, going to dentist, doing nasty thing such as having sex with prostitute or taking drugs, buying a flat, writing an expose article, changing my hair/beard style, becoming office-bearer in Assam Association - hell lot of crazy thoughts. At the end of the day, I do nothing, sit idle at home, increase my blood pressure- such a waste of time. Taking Hypertension tablet has become frequent now.
Something is wrong. I am ruining time, my health, and maybe my life. How can I come out of this?
Is 28 May the turning point?
Saturday, April 27, 2019
Highlights of FY 2018-19 in terms of inflow and outflow
This is the first FY review post I am writing since I decided to track finances FY wise.
FY 2018-19 has been amazing from financial learning point of view. Robert Kiyosaki and a few others have completely changed my outlook on finance. I started thinking 'money mindedness' might not be a bad idea as I used to think. A few quick recollections:
1. I started thinking how I can diversify my inflow/earning. Although I have not been able to find any concrete idea, I started experimenting. The investment at Pranjal's agriculture is one such example.
2. Testing out different financial tools is one encouraging thing. First time I tried non-banking FD when I opened a FD with Mahindra & Mahindra Finance for 33 months with an interest rate of 9%.
3. I started heavily on Shares and MFs. Only in Sharekhan I invested INR 1,70,000/- in last FY. For now, the idea is to invest only for long term. I have 3 SIPs running currently (although amounts are smaller).
4. For diversification and tax saving, I invested in FD via Moina (1 Lakh) and Maa (2 lakhs). For various reasons, Maa's FD has not been opened yet. It might be opened in Maa's Canara bank account soon.
5. I put much energy in the lands of Kalitapara, Agia-college, Guwahati and Xonsapori. Until now, no progress has been made. I must have investment in Real Estate.
Now, let's have a look at my performance against the goals I wrote in last year's FY review post.
A. Structural Changes: All DONE.
B. Investment should be 30% of total income - DONE (it is 57.34% with a caveat though)
C. Travel should be 10% of total income - Not DONE (it is 4.05% only)
D. Gift/Help should be 5% of total income - Not DONE (it is 3.36% only)
E. Liquid money should be 25% of total income - DONE (it is only 3.4% with a caveat though)
Now, lets have a look at the tables:
1. The outflow/Expenditure table:
2. The Inflow/Income table:
FY 2018-19 has been amazing from financial learning point of view. Robert Kiyosaki and a few others have completely changed my outlook on finance. I started thinking 'money mindedness' might not be a bad idea as I used to think. A few quick recollections:
1. I started thinking how I can diversify my inflow/earning. Although I have not been able to find any concrete idea, I started experimenting. The investment at Pranjal's agriculture is one such example.
2. Testing out different financial tools is one encouraging thing. First time I tried non-banking FD when I opened a FD with Mahindra & Mahindra Finance for 33 months with an interest rate of 9%.
3. I started heavily on Shares and MFs. Only in Sharekhan I invested INR 1,70,000/- in last FY. For now, the idea is to invest only for long term. I have 3 SIPs running currently (although amounts are smaller).
4. For diversification and tax saving, I invested in FD via Moina (1 Lakh) and Maa (2 lakhs). For various reasons, Maa's FD has not been opened yet. It might be opened in Maa's Canara bank account soon.
5. I put much energy in the lands of Kalitapara, Agia-college, Guwahati and Xonsapori. Until now, no progress has been made. I must have investment in Real Estate.
Now, let's have a look at my performance against the goals I wrote in last year's FY review post.
A. Structural Changes: All DONE.
B. Investment should be 30% of total income - DONE (it is 57.34% with a caveat though)
C. Travel should be 10% of total income - Not DONE (it is 4.05% only)
D. Gift/Help should be 5% of total income - Not DONE (it is 3.36% only)
E. Liquid money should be 25% of total income - DONE (it is only 3.4% with a caveat though)
Now, lets have a look at the tables:
1. The outflow/Expenditure table:
| Upkeep | Food | Personal | Family | Investment | Transport | Travel | Gift | Recreation | Tax | Loan | Total | ||
| April | 18383 | 2614 | 3113 | 1170 | 105130 | 1722 | 11261 | 1344 | 3091 | 0 | 101550 | 249378 | |
| May | 40639 | 6950 | 700 | 1457 | 228172 | 1367 | 4144 | 6130 | 1540 | 0 | 14050 | 305149 | |
| June | 18902 | 2902 | 1589 | 5890 | 48192 | 1426 | 450 | 0 | 6095 | 46140 | 12000 | 143586 | |
| July | 16260 | 5084 | 500 | 1001 | 229157 | 1626 | 14068 | 25015 | 2481 | 18132 | 5000 | 318324 | |
| August | 16000 | 5730 | 1970 | 2021 | 36457 | 720 | 5762 | 4619 | 1252 | 16422 | 9170 | 100123 | |
| Sept | 16531 | 2599 | 5600 | 2109 | 20157 | 1751 | 17528.76 | 135 | 3866 | 16422 | 9969 | 96667.76 | |
| Oct | 17611.67 | 2698 | 1500 | 22277 | 177463 | 3493 | 3019 | 7357 | 1080 | 16194 | 1442 | 254134.7 | |
| Nov | 16148 | 3891 | 732 | 828 | 99157 | 667 | 7049 | 280 | 476 | 16194 | 29000 | 174422 | |
| Dec | 16215 | 3485 | 549 | 7838 | 48172 | 726 | 4844 | 4282 | 1431 | 16195 | 0 | 103737 | |
| Jan | 14471 | 1536 | 633 | 3433 | 84657 | 882 | 1927 | 8100 | 2650 | 16194 | 6000 | 140483 | |
| Feb | 14471 | 3154 | 0 | 1831 | 26657 | 210 | 8092 | 8500 | 320 | 14947 | 1500 | 79682 | |
| Mar | 15560 | 2245 | 530 | 10123 | 69457 | 886 | 4280 | 2519 | 3756 | 14946 | 0 | 124302 | |
| Total: | 221191.7 | 42888 | 17416 | 59978 | 1172828 | 15476 | 82424.76 | 68281 | 28038 | 191786 | 189681 | 2089988 | |
| Percentage of total income | 10.87% | 2.11% | 0.86% | 2.95% | 57.64% | 0.76% | 4.05% | 3.36% | 1.38% | 9.43% | 9.32% | 102.71% | |
| * the tax component does not capture the taxes I pay on FDs | |||||||||||||
| * If I don't show the maturity amount in earning, I shouldn't show the reinvested amount in expenditure (under investment)- I must make separate category of rotating money type | |||||||||||||
2. The Inflow/Income table:
|
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| Observation & thoughts for next year: | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1. Dependency on salary: My income is still concentrated on salary. Although it is 74%, if I show the F&F from NISG under Salary, it would again shoot up. Also, Loan-repay is not exactly income per say. If I consider the two sources- Savings & deposite account interest and market, my non-salaried income is only 5% of my total income. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 2. Other money concept: Some inflow/outflow is confusing when I think from a long term analysis point of view. Eg- the matured amount of an FD, the repaid amount of a loan I extended, exchange happening between cash and card, ATM withdrawn money etc. From next year onward, I have created a separate section called Others to make a mention and track those. The details of this table will not necessarily come in year-end calculation. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 3. FD in my accounts: I have decided I will create no further FDs (let's try at least you middle class!). Existing FDs will be rotated. Only the interest component will come into inflow. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 4. Heavy tax: I have a huge tax component piled up. Also, liquid money is only increasing. I must do something. An investment in real estate, heavy expenditure in marriage of Moina/mine are the only way forwards. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 5. Loan component, NPA etc: I have just observed my loan component is around 10%. The NPA is only INR 300/- for the last FY. However, I must rename this as interest free loan (rather help) as I don't get a penny as interest. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 6. Total inflow/outflow comparison: I was trying to do a total inflow vs outflow. However, it is difficult this year as I put FD amount in outflow at 2-3 places, but didn't put the maturity amount in inflow. From FY 2019-20, this would make sense I have introduced the 'Other' section. With an quick uninformed eye, I spent INR55,139 more than I earned last FY. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 7. Diversification of investment: I should keep doing this and must also keep track. In next year, I should be able to give different heads under which investment has been made. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 8. Overlapping expense heads: Suppose I travel for the book. Should I keep this under Personal or travel? [for now under travel] These questions will keep coming and I must keep finding solutions. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Parting thought: When we do a task without a coherence objective, confusion/frustration do come. Many a times, I think financial analysis is like this. However, you never know how and when you find out the coherence objective. And then, all these pre- activities act as stimulus. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| My this observation has come from the recent personal initiative of "Zing Travel Express". All the travels I had undertaken long back, 1-2 photos I took, 1-2 posts/notes I have written suddenly became so much important for me. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Just writing life (before this FY ends)
Before I start this post, I glanced at the labels available in this blog. Nothing matches with what I am going to write. In fact, I am not sure what I am going to write. After spending two days of weekend at the rented house alone without much work, I am up with this post. For the time being, I am putting this under 'event' label.
Since I have not been able to write regularly, I feel the necessity of penning down my changing thought process at times in some format. Let me write a few below:
A. Finding a purpose for travel: As you might know, I am not a travel enthusiast. When the requirement of making monitoring visits came at office, and I have to select a place out of the list of 50, I took a pause. I must associate a purpose to this, otherwise, I will not be able to connect the dots. I made the excel sheet "Zing Travel Express" mentioning all the Indian states (today I made for other countries as well) I visited with dates and purpose. It threw up names of states I never visited. In the last 2-3 months I ticked the states such as Madhya Pradesh, Bihar etc. I am also utilizing one day of the weekend for official travel purpose without asking for any compensatory off. I have realized amazing thoughts keep coming to my mind when I am traveling. I talk to my inner self a lot. From knowledge point of view as well, I am learning hell lot of new things. The last RPL BICE visits (one during Holi) made me aware how logistic companies and mines work. Superb learning! Thus, I have found a purpose behind travel and a counter (Zing Travel Express) to keep track.
B. Setting up the other goal of life: As promised in the year-review post, I have started writing the book. You would be surprised I have completed three chapters as well. Again, travel has to be credited as I wrote the first chapter while traveling in Satabdi Express. In trains, my brain opens up like anything. While traveling from Bhopal to Delhi, I didn't request for air travel to concentrate on writing; output was the second chapter. This mission works as a medicine whenever I feel disillusioned with the NSDC job. I am forced to read many books and establish contacts as well for this endeavor. I feel good that I am investing my time into something productive, irrespective of the final output.
C. Office: Appraisal activities have started at office, RPL certification has crossed 1 million last week. Chasing the RPL numbers has become a nice purpose at office work. The non-learning from manager has continued. I feel, the more I am getting experienced in job, the more my manager is feeling inferior. With brilliant ideas clicking in my mind, I need to think ways how not to override him. I have realized my potential and now sincerely believe a super smart manager is what I should aspire to work under. The team is good so far apart from pains such as Mrs P(I can't understand how a CA can be so dumb), Miss T (how people can interpret everything in the wrong way and effectively utilize attack is the best way for defense) and Miss N (thank God she moves out). To be honest, I feel possessive about my reportees and want to do the best to them. But, as they say "being good is the least you can do". I don't think highly about the CEO now, looking at the mess and favoritism at the leadership level. I am slowly losing interest in NSDC, except the RPL thing (even I discussed about writing a paper on RPL with Monu). Just waiting for the post election changes.
D. National Election: I am going home for Rongali Bihu and will return only after voting. I was expecting a lot of change with HBS coming into Delhi and taking up a powerful ministry in case Modi returns. But there was big drama about his ticket and finally he was denied. I (and many others) was stunned. I couldn't help myself writing an email to him. Kamakhya Da was also denied. Now, I don't have any hope that election result would impact anything personally. Long back astrologer told my good times will start from May-June this year; I don't know how. If good time mean a job in NSDC with nice work and relatively calm atmosphere, I pity the astrologer.
E. Family: Moina joining PWC in Guwahati is definitely a good news of recent days. Although she lost her bag just on the second day and her quarrel with Tapan has been continuing on marriage front,
I am still positive - that's the charm of native place maybe. In case of Dada, I have no visibility whether sending back Bou and family to Agia has helped him save any money or not. Working under an Army officer and looking at his level of thought, I often get paranoid about Dada. He was just a sailor which these officers don't even consider worth talking. Now, look at their thought level (relating Mohit's Malaysian trip expense with salary increase request) and my expectation from Dada. I want to cry for Dada- he missed the bus. He has gone so far now that making him realize where he is standing, is itself a challenge. The other day in Xomidhan meeting, when Bidyut Da was mentioning why aiming to be a clerk is wrong, I kept silent. I have one brother who is a clerk and one sister-in-law who is not able to clear exam even for clerk. I am not ashamed of them; I feel bad for the missed opportunity. With the level of knowledge and enthusiasm Dada deserves much better position. Being a rank holder in Mathematics Hons in GU, Bou could have nailed an amazing career. They are both victim of middle class thought process (maybe) and that's my pain. Maa is fine; she tries to do emotional blackmailing with the marriage thing sometimes. I should have a serious conversation with her soon, maybe that would be my second attempt after the disastrous attempt in April 2018. She still thinks marriage in her own terms, but for me, the definition is completely different. I don't know whether I would be able to convince her or not. The bigger question is - am I convinced about anything on this? Answer is NO. In my prayers to God these days, I often said, "Dear God, I will take care of office, career, election, book, but I am clueless on the marriage thing. You please concentrate on my marriage". God still hasn't listened.
F. Gaining maturity: I feel good after seeing a few people victim of turbulent thoughts which I underwent years ago. Some thoughts are related to middle class, some are with relationship, some to do with liberalism and some are with conservatives; a few with finances, a few with goals & objectives. There was a time I used to cry/wonder how I would live with so disturbing and unanswered thoughts. Time is a great healer. But when I think about BD and Junma going through these thoughts and coming to maturity one day, somewhere I get scared. I have been tough throughout, it is not that easy to maintain toughness.
G. Health: I have been thinking of writing a blog on the reports of health check up I did at Medanta as part of company package. For last two months reports are lying at my desk, but I have not been able to write anything. The biggest pending thing in health is the 2 RCT in my teeth that is pending. It has already crossed all limits and I must make sure some steps. There is no good dental clinic in Mahipalpur. Rest everything is fine. Even blood pressure is at the normal level.
The winter was quite long this time and the summer is just knocking on the door.
That's all for today! Take care.
Since I have not been able to write regularly, I feel the necessity of penning down my changing thought process at times in some format. Let me write a few below:
 |
| One yogi in front of Adiyogi |
 |
| Writing while traveling via train |
C. Office: Appraisal activities have started at office, RPL certification has crossed 1 million last week. Chasing the RPL numbers has become a nice purpose at office work. The non-learning from manager has continued. I feel, the more I am getting experienced in job, the more my manager is feeling inferior. With brilliant ideas clicking in my mind, I need to think ways how not to override him. I have realized my potential and now sincerely believe a super smart manager is what I should aspire to work under. The team is good so far apart from pains such as Mrs P(I can't understand how a CA can be so dumb), Miss T (how people can interpret everything in the wrong way and effectively utilize attack is the best way for defense) and Miss N (thank God she moves out). To be honest, I feel possessive about my reportees and want to do the best to them. But, as they say "being good is the least you can do". I don't think highly about the CEO now, looking at the mess and favoritism at the leadership level. I am slowly losing interest in NSDC, except the RPL thing (even I discussed about writing a paper on RPL with Monu). Just waiting for the post election changes.
D. National Election: I am going home for Rongali Bihu and will return only after voting. I was expecting a lot of change with HBS coming into Delhi and taking up a powerful ministry in case Modi returns. But there was big drama about his ticket and finally he was denied. I (and many others) was stunned. I couldn't help myself writing an email to him. Kamakhya Da was also denied. Now, I don't have any hope that election result would impact anything personally. Long back astrologer told my good times will start from May-June this year; I don't know how. If good time mean a job in NSDC with nice work and relatively calm atmosphere, I pity the astrologer.
E. Family: Moina joining PWC in Guwahati is definitely a good news of recent days. Although she lost her bag just on the second day and her quarrel with Tapan has been continuing on marriage front,
F. Gaining maturity: I feel good after seeing a few people victim of turbulent thoughts which I underwent years ago. Some thoughts are related to middle class, some are with relationship, some to do with liberalism and some are with conservatives; a few with finances, a few with goals & objectives. There was a time I used to cry/wonder how I would live with so disturbing and unanswered thoughts. Time is a great healer. But when I think about BD and Junma going through these thoughts and coming to maturity one day, somewhere I get scared. I have been tough throughout, it is not that easy to maintain toughness.
G. Health: I have been thinking of writing a blog on the reports of health check up I did at Medanta as part of company package. For last two months reports are lying at my desk, but I have not been able to write anything. The biggest pending thing in health is the 2 RCT in my teeth that is pending. It has already crossed all limits and I must make sure some steps. There is no good dental clinic in Mahipalpur. Rest everything is fine. Even blood pressure is at the normal level.
The winter was quite long this time and the summer is just knocking on the door.
That's all for today! Take care.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
How was 2018 for me?
Saute Saute one more year passed by. As usual, in the last couple of days, I kept myself busy going through every page of my 2018 diary. The big observation is that my diary writing habit has become completely irregular after joining NSDC. There is absolutely no writing on any front. I am so sorry for this.
Two events dominated the last year.
Shifting from NeGD (Jangpura) to NSDC(Mahipalpur) was the biggest event. I started the year on non-inspiring mood with desperate attempt for a change from NeGD. Apart from the accidental trip to Saudi Arabia, I can only remember my repeated failed job applications, working under arrogant manager such as Neeraj Kumar and worst colleague Jayalakshmi on Digigaon project, talk of NeGD getting shut, transfer of Sanjeev Gupta, the office politics even within A&C team, talks of despair with Amit and Loonaji, trying to buy home furniture after the Guwahati shift fiasco- that's it.
Then the final good news came from NSDC on 9 March and my activities change. After the disastrous home trip in April (I will write about this later), I focused on house hunting in Vasant Kunj E2 and Mahipalpur areas. House hunting is always a memorable (read as painful) experience; Debismita (Mamu) helped a lot and finally I zeroed down my current rented house on 27 April. The shifting was done in a Tata Ace at only 1400/- with help from only Trishna. This shows my minimalism. I slept at Mahipalpur first time on 29th. My philosophy of 'commuting to office on foot' remained intact- I was happy for that.
I don't have much complaint about Mahipalpur except the water issues. I can write pages how I faced humiliation and discomfort (went to Aerocity metro station for clearing one day) because of water issues at the new place. Rest has been ok. But, I indeed have many complaints about NSDC, the manager and the people & the company culture. I had to struggle to understand the skill ecosystem which is an entirely different world. My self confidence touched bottom many a days when I thought I chose the wrong job. The obsession(forced) with work went to such a level that I start dreaming about pending works in my sleep. My manager who is a retired colonel of Indian Army, has been super non-inspiring (on multiple days I have mentioned this in diary). He crossed his lines many a times(not inviting for meetings, making my weekends hell, setting up unattainable targets etc) and I felt like quitting. But somehow I continued, although my learning from him has been minimal. Some team members/reportees also created huge issues many a times, which was quite new for me as a people's manager. On several Mondays, I have written how I had to literally drag myself to office (after Monday, things used to get settled somehow). The changes in leadership, most specifically the way NSDC fired COO, CPO and HR-head had created a bad impression about NSDC. I think from October onwards, I first wrote in my diary that I started loving the job. Of course, some good things did happen in between- health check-ups, ISB pass-out student reporting to me directly, my initiative to know what other team of NSDC does, meeting couple of good people in NSDC and of course, learning things & meeting people from a completely different ecosystem. Now,eight months into the job- I won't say I am enjoying, but the bad anguish have gone. I will stay here until the end of election, for sure.
The second big event is the marriage discussion. After much deliberation, I decided to speak about Trish at home. The feedback was negative from Moina. On April trip, while going from Airport to home, I told Dada, and surprisingly, he was also negative. Then at home, the topic of marriage was just initiated by Dada. There was no name mentioned. But the way Maa reacted to BA vs MA, working vs non-working components I was stunned. I felt like Maa was indirectly talking about Trish only; I maybe wrong. I got angry/cried after many days. I didn't have slightest clue Maa would react in such a way. Later, Pranjal initiated the topic one day without naming anyone and then Bhini and Majani bai discussed this one day with name. Both Bhini and Pranjal told Maa's reaction was quite unusual. It seemed she knew something, already decided and was sitting on a volcano. The last thing happened, on 15 June, when Maa one day called to ask me that I should stop sending messengers to her advocating Trish. To be honest, Bhini's visit with Majani bai was a complete surprise for me. Maa also used many bad languages and derogatory remark that I was completely shocked. Is this my mother only? Maa's reaction on Trish case is something I could not comprehend at all. I have been taking most of my decisions until now; for some reasons, all family people believe they are the smartest and I am the dumbest in marriage decision. But, looking at Maa's situation, she might get heart attack if I do anything against her wish. Even while mentioning about this marriage thing, the way she fumes, I really get scared.
I informed everything to Trish. One day, even her mother called(28 Aug), I told there is no future. However, we keep meeting sometimes in Delhi. Most of the times, she only initiates the meeting. I also don't feel like forbidding her for no fault of her own. Many other people also knew about this fiasco, I believe, since Joy Da one day telling "Maa i kotha bilak mana nai bule". Though Trish says she does not expect anything now, I know she still does. On top of everything, I have not met any girl also in the whole year that I might get attracted. Manjil and Nabanita told about two girls- unemployed after PhD. But I am not even interested in those profiles.
I am in a deep shit in this matter. I see no ray of hope in coming days. I tried writing a letter to Dada and Moina which is currently lying in my draft, asking me to get out of this and requesting to consider the whole event from a different angle. I have no intention of sending that now. I am getting old day by day. But, there is no way to come out of this mess. I never thought marriage thing would be so complicated for me. God- you have to take me out of this. There is absolutely no one that I can rely in this case. Please ! show me a direction at least.
There is one more event, which might lead to a big event later, but, for now an insignificant one. I have finally started working on the book. Although I have not written a single word, the requirement gathering has led me to meeting top notch bureaucrats, ULFA leaders etc. I am also tracking my efforts in this endeavor and that calls for a separate blog(maybe book chapter) itself. If all goes well, I should be able to make some progress on this in 2019.
Death:
As I always say, one sign of growing up is to lose the near and dear ones. This year was dominated by multiple deaths. The big one is Sukracharjya Da. This was unimaginable and unacceptable. Losing a person with so many unfinished dreams actually breaks down the whole chain. This death has a big impact and we all are victims still. I created a folder "If I die" in my hard disk with the passwords, my various investments etc after this incident. Losing Dibakar Da is another bad news of the year. If I go back to my childhood, Dibakar Da is one of the most important figures. His last days have been really painful. I wish I could help him in some ways. Except donating Rs 5,000/- once, I only talked over telephone. What a waste of valuable life for him!
Apart from the two, death of Himani Rabha's father by accident, Parimal Khura by accident, the E&Y guy at office, the young guy from Solmari by heart attack during gym, and finally news of Alok, who is in the last stage of cancer. Maybe I have learnt to value life more in this year. And death- let's accept this.
Noteworthy public event:
The year started with publication of the first draft of NRC. The protest by 4 senior judges (including Ranjan Gogoi who became CJI later in the year) against CJI was a big event for Indian democracy. The issue of Cambridge Analytica shook the whole world. From Assam, the class-12 paper leak at Goalpara Science academy, the amazing success stories of Rima Das and Hima Das and the arrest of corrupted APSC officials are some highlights.
Trips outside NCR:
1. Bhangagarh (with Dhurjyoti Da and others)
2. Riyadh (with Suraj Arora)
3. Thukran farmhouse (with Sumo on invitation from Trish)
4. Dehradun- Missouri trip (alone to meet Dibakar and visit IAS training academy)
5. McLeod Ganj - Dharamshala trip (with Moina)
6. Home trip in April (the disturbing one), then to Goa for Alvaro's marriage
7. Aligarh, Bulandsehar for RPL Saubhagya surprise visit (official)
8. B-day trip to home (first after death of Sukracharjya Da)
9. Meeting ULFA/the Book trip to home (met Sunil Nath, Hemaprobha Saikia etc)
10. Guwahati trip (official) for 5 Oct Agriculture workshop
11. Visit of family members (trip to Jaipur, Agra) and my subsequent trip to Mumbai (bought MF)
12. Shillong trip (official)
13. Personal visit to home for Under the Sal Tree festival
14. Official trip to Hazira at L&T premise
Important days of 2018:
4th Jan (both UNDP and NSDC application was submitted, got calls from both eventually), 5 Feb (standing whole day in front of Saudi embassy), 20 Feb (sudden & marathon interview at NSDC), 8-9 March(offer letter - first and then final one), 10 March (watching stand up comedy with Sumo at Laughing Club), 19 Mar (attended Off the cuff with Himanta, with Karuna Da), 9 April (finished the much awaited Atal Mentoring task by calling Axom Jatiyo Bidyalay; no progress later), 27 April (finalized my current residence), 2 May (first day at new office), 26 May ('typical middle class' - buying the first windows AC), 4 July (@Office surprise entry of Aakarshan), 18 July (NeGD get together at PSOI), 25 July (bad day at office - culprits like Nishtha & Shahbaz, ended up meeting Toby from BSG), 8 Sept (watched Zubeen live after many days), 29 Oct (meeting Jayati after ages), 19 Nov(worst OLA ride with Aakarshan coupled with longest stay at office), 8 Dec (Attending Akhil da's protest), 16 Dec(presenting at NRL ideathan)
Meeting new people:
Ruskin Bond, Nagesh Lukmoni(revived after Microsoft days), Jyotiprasad Deka (revived after IITG days), Rinku (debaroon's cousin), Ayo (from BSG), Suresh Ranjan Goduka (revived after Library opening days), A M Naik (L&T group chairman becoming NSDC chairman), and of course all the NSDC people - the manager and the team.
Good and bad things:
I just want to glance at some good-bad things happened last year with me. Some good things for which I feel good - preparing the Agri startup concept for Sasha da, getting shortlisted for UNDP finally although declined from my end, interviewing by BSG for alumni profiling, sending Nischal to Badungduppa to clear the pending documentation after Sukra Da's death, solving the fight between Arup and Ruma, buying the air conditioner, putting up OLQ in Youtube via Pocket Films (although the list of unfulfilled wishes are more for OLQ promotion), spending money on ISKCON's Discover yourself course (although couldn't attend fully), the much awaited family trip to Delhi, reviving the Ghy land thing with finding the jamabandi, Dada submitting the khazna etc, introducing Komal Chamling to Badungduppa, pushing the Tranche 2 thing at office.
On bad/failure things - rejection of my service delivery proposal by BSG, my failed attempt to revive the Xomidhan bank account although the PAN card was a partial success, the failed attempt of Dada's promotion.
Family:
The second big event of the year is indeed related to family and I already elaborated. Maa's retirement and subsequent re-appointment along with the pension works are highlighted events on family front. Dada's financial condition has been the most worrying component on family. This has led to many confrontations and finally has led his whole family to shift to Agia. I can only hope new year will bring some good news to Dada's financial condition.
Health:
How I performed against the things I planned in the last year review post:
Thoughts for next year:
Moina's marriage, post-election big-bang something, work on the book, more public writing - now stop. Let's not expect anything more.
Goodbye!
Two events dominated the last year.
Shifting from NeGD (Jangpura) to NSDC(Mahipalpur) was the biggest event. I started the year on non-inspiring mood with desperate attempt for a change from NeGD. Apart from the accidental trip to Saudi Arabia, I can only remember my repeated failed job applications, working under arrogant manager such as Neeraj Kumar and worst colleague Jayalakshmi on Digigaon project, talk of NeGD getting shut, transfer of Sanjeev Gupta, the office politics even within A&C team, talks of despair with Amit and Loonaji, trying to buy home furniture after the Guwahati shift fiasco- that's it.
 |
| The last moment captured at Jangpura |
I don't have much complaint about Mahipalpur except the water issues. I can write pages how I faced humiliation and discomfort (went to Aerocity metro station for clearing one day) because of water issues at the new place. Rest has been ok. But, I indeed have many complaints about NSDC, the manager and the people & the company culture. I had to struggle to understand the skill ecosystem which is an entirely different world. My self confidence touched bottom many a days when I thought I chose the wrong job. The obsession(forced) with work went to such a level that I start dreaming about pending works in my sleep. My manager who is a retired colonel of Indian Army, has been super non-inspiring (on multiple days I have mentioned this in diary). He crossed his lines many a times(not inviting for meetings, making my weekends hell, setting up unattainable targets etc) and I felt like quitting. But somehow I continued, although my learning from him has been minimal. Some team members/reportees also created huge issues many a times, which was quite new for me as a people's manager. On several Mondays, I have written how I had to literally drag myself to office (after Monday, things used to get settled somehow). The changes in leadership, most specifically the way NSDC fired COO, CPO and HR-head had created a bad impression about NSDC. I think from October onwards, I first wrote in my diary that I started loving the job. Of course, some good things did happen in between- health check-ups, ISB pass-out student reporting to me directly, my initiative to know what other team of NSDC does, meeting couple of good people in NSDC and of course, learning things & meeting people from a completely different ecosystem. Now,eight months into the job- I won't say I am enjoying, but the bad anguish have gone. I will stay here until the end of election, for sure.
The second big event is the marriage discussion. After much deliberation, I decided to speak about Trish at home. The feedback was negative from Moina. On April trip, while going from Airport to home, I told Dada, and surprisingly, he was also negative. Then at home, the topic of marriage was just initiated by Dada. There was no name mentioned. But the way Maa reacted to BA vs MA, working vs non-working components I was stunned. I felt like Maa was indirectly talking about Trish only; I maybe wrong. I got angry/cried after many days. I didn't have slightest clue Maa would react in such a way. Later, Pranjal initiated the topic one day without naming anyone and then Bhini and Majani bai discussed this one day with name. Both Bhini and Pranjal told Maa's reaction was quite unusual. It seemed she knew something, already decided and was sitting on a volcano. The last thing happened, on 15 June, when Maa one day called to ask me that I should stop sending messengers to her advocating Trish. To be honest, Bhini's visit with Majani bai was a complete surprise for me. Maa also used many bad languages and derogatory remark that I was completely shocked. Is this my mother only? Maa's reaction on Trish case is something I could not comprehend at all. I have been taking most of my decisions until now; for some reasons, all family people believe they are the smartest and I am the dumbest in marriage decision. But, looking at Maa's situation, she might get heart attack if I do anything against her wish. Even while mentioning about this marriage thing, the way she fumes, I really get scared.
I informed everything to Trish. One day, even her mother called(28 Aug), I told there is no future. However, we keep meeting sometimes in Delhi. Most of the times, she only initiates the meeting. I also don't feel like forbidding her for no fault of her own. Many other people also knew about this fiasco, I believe, since Joy Da one day telling "Maa i kotha bilak mana nai bule". Though Trish says she does not expect anything now, I know she still does. On top of everything, I have not met any girl also in the whole year that I might get attracted. Manjil and Nabanita told about two girls- unemployed after PhD. But I am not even interested in those profiles.
I am in a deep shit in this matter. I see no ray of hope in coming days. I tried writing a letter to Dada and Moina which is currently lying in my draft, asking me to get out of this and requesting to consider the whole event from a different angle. I have no intention of sending that now. I am getting old day by day. But, there is no way to come out of this mess. I never thought marriage thing would be so complicated for me. God- you have to take me out of this. There is absolutely no one that I can rely in this case. Please ! show me a direction at least.
There is one more event, which might lead to a big event later, but, for now an insignificant one. I have finally started working on the book. Although I have not written a single word, the requirement gathering has led me to meeting top notch bureaucrats, ULFA leaders etc. I am also tracking my efforts in this endeavor and that calls for a separate blog(maybe book chapter) itself. If all goes well, I should be able to make some progress on this in 2019.
Death:
As I always say, one sign of growing up is to lose the near and dear ones. This year was dominated by multiple deaths. The big one is Sukracharjya Da. This was unimaginable and unacceptable. Losing a person with so many unfinished dreams actually breaks down the whole chain. This death has a big impact and we all are victims still. I created a folder "If I die" in my hard disk with the passwords, my various investments etc after this incident. Losing Dibakar Da is another bad news of the year. If I go back to my childhood, Dibakar Da is one of the most important figures. His last days have been really painful. I wish I could help him in some ways. Except donating Rs 5,000/- once, I only talked over telephone. What a waste of valuable life for him!
Apart from the two, death of Himani Rabha's father by accident, Parimal Khura by accident, the E&Y guy at office, the young guy from Solmari by heart attack during gym, and finally news of Alok, who is in the last stage of cancer. Maybe I have learnt to value life more in this year. And death- let's accept this.
Noteworthy public event:
The year started with publication of the first draft of NRC. The protest by 4 senior judges (including Ranjan Gogoi who became CJI later in the year) against CJI was a big event for Indian democracy. The issue of Cambridge Analytica shook the whole world. From Assam, the class-12 paper leak at Goalpara Science academy, the amazing success stories of Rima Das and Hima Das and the arrest of corrupted APSC officials are some highlights.
Trips outside NCR:
1. Bhangagarh (with Dhurjyoti Da and others)
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| At Alvaro's marriage |
2. Riyadh (with Suraj Arora)
3. Thukran farmhouse (with Sumo on invitation from Trish)
4. Dehradun- Missouri trip (alone to meet Dibakar and visit IAS training academy)
5. McLeod Ganj - Dharamshala trip (with Moina)
6. Home trip in April (the disturbing one), then to Goa for Alvaro's marriage
7. Aligarh, Bulandsehar for RPL Saubhagya surprise visit (official)
8. B-day trip to home (first after death of Sukracharjya Da)
9. Meeting ULFA/the Book trip to home (met Sunil Nath, Hemaprobha Saikia etc)
10. Guwahati trip (official) for 5 Oct Agriculture workshop
11. Visit of family members (trip to Jaipur, Agra) and my subsequent trip to Mumbai (bought MF)
12. Shillong trip (official)
13. Personal visit to home for Under the Sal Tree festival
14. Official trip to Hazira at L&T premise
Important days of 2018:
4th Jan (both UNDP and NSDC application was submitted, got calls from both eventually), 5 Feb (standing whole day in front of Saudi embassy), 20 Feb (sudden & marathon interview at NSDC), 8-9 March(offer letter - first and then final one), 10 March (watching stand up comedy with Sumo at Laughing Club), 19 Mar (attended Off the cuff with Himanta, with Karuna Da), 9 April (finished the much awaited Atal Mentoring task by calling Axom Jatiyo Bidyalay; no progress later), 27 April (finalized my current residence), 2 May (first day at new office), 26 May ('typical middle class' - buying the first windows AC), 4 July (@Office surprise entry of Aakarshan), 18 July (NeGD get together at PSOI), 25 July (bad day at office - culprits like Nishtha & Shahbaz, ended up meeting Toby from BSG), 8 Sept (watched Zubeen live after many days), 29 Oct (meeting Jayati after ages), 19 Nov(worst OLA ride with Aakarshan coupled with longest stay at office), 8 Dec (Attending Akhil da's protest), 16 Dec(presenting at NRL ideathan)
Meeting new people:
Ruskin Bond, Nagesh Lukmoni(revived after Microsoft days), Jyotiprasad Deka (revived after IITG days), Rinku (debaroon's cousin), Ayo (from BSG), Suresh Ranjan Goduka (revived after Library opening days), A M Naik (L&T group chairman becoming NSDC chairman), and of course all the NSDC people - the manager and the team.
Good and bad things:
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| Badungduppa without Sukra Da |
I just want to glance at some good-bad things happened last year with me. Some good things for which I feel good - preparing the Agri startup concept for Sasha da, getting shortlisted for UNDP finally although declined from my end, interviewing by BSG for alumni profiling, sending Nischal to Badungduppa to clear the pending documentation after Sukra Da's death, solving the fight between Arup and Ruma, buying the air conditioner, putting up OLQ in Youtube via Pocket Films (although the list of unfulfilled wishes are more for OLQ promotion), spending money on ISKCON's Discover yourself course (although couldn't attend fully), the much awaited family trip to Delhi, reviving the Ghy land thing with finding the jamabandi, Dada submitting the khazna etc, introducing Komal Chamling to Badungduppa, pushing the Tranche 2 thing at office.
On bad/failure things - rejection of my service delivery proposal by BSG, my failed attempt to revive the Xomidhan bank account although the PAN card was a partial success, the failed attempt of Dada's promotion.
Family:
The second big event of the year is indeed related to family and I already elaborated. Maa's retirement and subsequent re-appointment along with the pension works are highlighted events on family front. Dada's financial condition has been the most worrying component on family. This has led to many confrontations and finally has led his whole family to shift to Agia. I can only hope new year will bring some good news to Dada's financial condition.
Health:
- Started taking high BP tablet (Cilacar), although not regular
- The big teeth X-ray and my pending works (2 RCT, fillups) on my teeth
- Multiple times cold and this taking much longer to get recovered. After buying AC and in December - the cold & cough are still bothering me. Delhi weather is the main reason
- Dada's mild heart attack has frightened me
- I have started wearing the MI band that I bought long back. Now I track my sleep and steps
- Ended the year with full body check up with package from NSDC at Medanta hospital
At NSDC
How I performed against the things I planned in the last year review post:
- More trading- Beyond expectation. I invested around 3 Lacs in equity this year
- More writing- Terribly below expectation. Even no post in the autobiography blog, leave aside other writing. I must do something about it.
- More effectiveness: The month of January was effective as I was tracking via diary. This was the reason I bought a diary this year also. NSDC work took hell lot of time. I must manage office timing this year
- Moina'a marriage - no progress; job change - DONE; new tenant at Agia- DONE; buy nearby Agia college land- made some progress, but still incomplete; Library award ceremony- NO
- More reading- Yes, maybe for the ULFA book.
Thoughts for next year:
Moina's marriage, post-election big-bang something, work on the book, more public writing - now stop. Let's not expect anything more.
Goodbye!
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