What are the things helping me taking the decision to go back India from Amsterdam?

[The decision to return to India from Amsterdam was a crucial one. I spent lot of hours thinking and analyzing all the nuances of the possible consequences on both sides. Although I started penning down the reasons and my post- MPP options from the Oxford days, I completed writing all the reasons on 10th August 2014]

1. The momentum that I got in BSG- the thoughts, the ideas, the committed people, the optimism, the self-confidence, the big desire to change the world.

2.  Talking to people- Wahid Da, Jayanta Da, Abhilaash mainly the Assamese who have been living here- talking to them I can estimate how my future will look like. I know what I don’t want to become.

3.   Accident of Bikiran, death of Manda Bai—life is so fragile and I must spend time with my family.

4.    The madness of the UNDP job- Wahid da took that far way; the way he was introducing me to other people – "you should lose a person like Manjit to a foreign company".

5.   The book gifted by Alexander- "How to measure life"- super influencing.

6.    "Play with your strong area"- India+ development sector is my strength.

7.    Project with foreign government- you need to dive deep. For example, in German labor agency (BA) project, I need to know the emotion and thinking of German people and the language. So, doing something for 2-3 months for a foreign government does not make any sense. My conversation with McKinsey India people made me realize that the company is not much active in India; also the way they look at government…huh!

8.    Learning what a consultant do – they consult, they are not leaders. They can’t change the world.

9.    The social life of an Indian/Assamese outside India is utterly pathetic; even the lifestyle of Kayvan and others; their dreams--- huh, no way.

10.   My story – it will be a nice story only if I go back, do something spectacular. I need to make a good story out of my life.

11.   The chat with Somnath-  that made me realizes how I (we) thought after NIT. Somnath still thinks in that way. But, for me, I can't afford to  think about a salaried job only. I can afford something more than what a fresh graduate would think of doing. Its not about proving to others, but proving to yourself.

12.   The euphoria created by Modi in terms of scrapping planning commission, digital India, myGov- this is indeed the best time to be in India

13.   Looking at my Indian batch-mates- Vrinda, Lekha, Rahul all can easily settle outsides, they are some of the brightest minds of Oxford. But they are all going back- this is a different breed can’t be seen everywhere

14.   The fact that I am continuously searching and trying, I am seeing one or other options every other day. It’s the hope that I have lot of fall back options is an asset. WB Consultancy, Afghan government are two strongest fall back options for me. Hence, this is the time to take risk.

15.   The euphoria of taking risk and changing the world will not last long. This comes only in certain periods of life. Hence, I must utilize that when I have lot of energy on that direction.

16.   Pankaj Da told two important points—this timing of youth energy I should not waste and if I don’t get anything, I might take wrong choices out of frustration—knowing all the bad outcomes also making me excited to go back.

17.   The way McKinsey does strategy work- only for a week or a brief period. But government works are mainly implementation- you have to drag along. The Pakistan education project is one, where the whole McKinsey wanted to work as all considered that a cool project. "Hence, it not matching your taste and objective", said Johanna Hircher.

Last snap of my bed at Amsterdam

18.  I have been doing lot of research on my post-MPP life and here are some exciting options. I believe I would be better off in India under any circumstances: 

             a)  Putting the things into practice is something I am too much excited. Working as a policy Advisor to Govt of Assam will be an awesome one. My marriage life will also get a big push if I be in Guwahati, at least for 2 years. 
   b)   Mir’s proposal of working with Government of Afghanistan as an advisor is making a roll in my mind. I even informed Maa about that desire, introduced her with Mir etc. but the security condition, particularly after US troops withdraw from the country, whether Mir becomes a cabinet minister or not are some issues.

    c)  Until now, I have written twice to PM website. I can be fit into three units in Govt of India- a) DONER or NE related affairs, b) Inside PMO in some delivery unit type of role and c) in any policy making division which does not exist now as per my knowledge.

    d)   Writing to Government of Assam- I am not thinking much on that now (31^st May, 2014) because of the internal dissident politics of Assam Congress and the rise of BJP in Assam. BJP has just declared Mission 84+ in Assam and I think I should write a letter to Prodyut Bora. In fact, let me do that now itself.

    e)  Done. I have also made an Excel file

Why did I decide NOT to apply for D Phil just after Masters degree?

[I was in দুই নাওত দুই ভৰি position for multiple days as the deadline for D Phil application for BSG and other Oxford departments were coming closer (end of 2013). BSG was recruiting PhD scholars for the first time and there were lot of enthusiasm among the Public Policy students. After spending several days thinking all aspects, I decided NOT to apply for D Phil. In fact, I postponed the whole PhD stuff for 5-6 years]

1) I don’t want to and also, I don’t think I am ready to spend 3-4 years going depth into some topic. Whenever I try doing small research it pisses me off like anything. When Ngaire told about the investment for D Phil in terms of hard work, I realize I am not on for it.  "D Phil is a big investment of time; if you really don’t possessively think about the topic, this will be of no worth", she said. Now, I realize I feel no excitement with the word D Phil. 

2) There is no topic is in my mind where I want to go depth, or in other words, I have several topics in my mind. Hence, I am not mentally prepared.

3) I don’t want to be in Academia; UK is fine, look at the US people- they don’t even know that people can go outside academia after doing D Phil(ref- the after-graduation study fair at Exam school). In case of organizations like WB, I believe they prefer people with work experience more than D Phil. 

4) Timing issue- I have to get married, spending 3-4 more years alone in Oxford would be a nightmare something that I experienced in the Christmas break. Single life, alone, without regular classes, D Phil will be most boring. May be after marriage, it will be a good idea to come back to complete D Phil to UK.

5) I got the first taste of Oxford and earnestly want Oxford to come back to my life after I get a few more years of maturity. This desire rules out of applying to other universities of UK or elsewhere. 

6) I learnt so many new things and I want to put those into practice and see whether these knowledge work in real life or not. 

However I like BSG’s approach for D Phil i.e. to work with international organizations’ projects during the D Phil. But they need more experienced people for that and my chances would be minimal in BSG. Hence, I decided not to apply for D Phil, although, I can see an array of positive things for D Phil as well, may be on a slightly lower scale.

[I am not sure how this decision will effect me in future. In 2014, BSG accepted five D Phil students in its first cohort- all are super highly experienced such as Linda Bilmes, Aaron and so on]

27th June 2014 - Leaving Oxford by bus

7-42 PM:

I am inside the bus from Oxford to London- my last journey by the OxfordTube. On this last day I applied the UNDP job and promised to Oxfordshire that I will be back for graduation in November if I get that job. In fact, I was to leave Oxford tomorrow; but the loneliness of my room and the place were killing me. Somehow I just wanted to get out of the place. I was feeling so so alone. 

Just after entering OxfordTube(Snap by Anjul)

I remembered Aizawl- there were no Pranjal or Shamim to look up to. But Anjul and Faissal did show up and helped me do the final packing, carry the stuffs to the bus station and took some last snaps. 

May be it is human expectation that I want Oxford to feel some void as I am leaving. But the scene is completely different in case of a place like Oxford. People come here to go out one day. Oxford has seen generations entering and leaving. I am just one of them. Hence, I should not feel bad at all.

I am remembering my last bus trip from Aizawl to Guwahati. It was nice because I knew somebody will receive me in Guwahati and then I will head back home. In this case, I am going to a new country, no phone, no internet and to a place whose keys are with the reception of a hotel- uncertainty at its peak. 

But BSG has taught me how to handle this. In fact, I am looking forward to the evening of tomorrow when I will land in Amsterdam; I am sure something will go terribly wrong.

I have not been able to ‘enjoy’ the farewell to Oxford as I am due with two assignments; and believe me, I have not started single line until now. This is a big learning for me- never procrastinate things when you have something like ‘starting a new phase’ of life. To be honest, I am quite worried about the two assignments. These two have also ruined my last days in Oxford. I am so sorry for letting this happen- this is all my fault. I could have managed the situation differently.

I have small belonging

I will be staying with Alex tonight before boarding the bus tomorrow morning. I have exchanged around 280 Pound to euro, but have no idea how much will I need. OK, let's not think all these now. My blood pressure boils up. To be frank, I am so poor in managing shifting; I need to improve in this area. I should get used to smooth transitions. I hope things will be far better in future.

Bless me God! Bless me so that I can come back to oxford for graduation. I am ready to start a new phase of life, but want to start the phase with the seed put in oxford. 

Oxford- you have been amazing and a life changing experience for me. If I have to think of going back to student life again, I know where I should be! Thank  you.

Thank you for everything !

8-02 PM : on the bus still, about to reach Shephard Bush!

(Alex came to the bus stoppage to receive me and I stayed the night at Alex's place that day. And yeah, something actually went terribly wrong once I arrived Amsterdam)

Just felt like writing about myself, my thoughts, plans, just random!

I was watching the interview of Gaurav Gogoi to an Assamese TV channel. He has the ‘elite’ class mentality in his talks, something I hate from the core of my heart. When I look at my life, I believe common people will love my life-story. Particularly when I will project myself in public life such as in politics, people will empathize with me. This is what Bhargab suggested the other day. 

When I want to justify why I am adhering to the traditional stuffs such as ‘speaking properly with oxomiya without mixing up English’, ‘spending much time following the Assam politics’, ‘trying to be liked by all personality’ , I find no other career options other than entering into Politics. Only then I can answer the questions like why I did not try to go to Redmond and buy a BMW, why I didn’t continue the leisurely life of Aizawl and why I am not trying for a DPhil or a high paying job with McKinsey or BCG. Options are open for me, but I want to go back to India. 

But what the hell will I get back after going back? Family, ok, that’s a good reason. But where is the uniqueness of Manjit Nath? Why I didn’t apply for DPhil- hmm, let write about that later. 

Post MPP – hmm, I want to work in Assam, at least until I get married. Getting a girl for marriage is also a reason behind staying in Assam. But the biggest reason is that I can expect a flexible environment to apply my knowledge in my state. Also, I have been interested to work in Assam. The whole big dream of making Guwahati run after me has to start from some day. May be I will get bored off in one week, or maybe I will invent a completely new direction—only these two extreme conditions are possible in case I start working in Guwahati; a middle-level position is acceptable for me as well. 

But if that does not work out (very little possibility that something will work out), what should I do? In fact the question is whether I should go back to India or try something here and there! Well, I don’t know and I have absolutely no idea. After the internship thing is fixed, there will be a direction for sure. Let the internship thing gets clear, and then I will think more on this.

Visit of Maa- I am putting all efforts to make this happen. I can’t stress more how big it is for a woman like Maa. She was asking me today whether she has to wear something else. I wish Deuta were alive and I could arrange a foreign trip for both Maa and Deuta. Maa’s trip should happen at any cost.

Moina’s result- first her fifth semester clearance and then the unexpected IRMA interview call. This has made me super positive last week. I have grown up with her; she must attain the best that is available. She has been the woman with whom I am closest after Maa. Seeing her crying in the last months ruined my mood for several days- I felt paralyzed as I was not in a position to do anything. Maa, Dada everybody was severely affected and worried by her future. Now, there is light. I am getting back the optimism that I possess for her years back. After all, she is my sister and we all know how to fight back from the rock bottom. 

Woman- absolutely no woman in my life currently. Scenario of this type has been rare in my life when I mean absolutely zero influence by any woman. Wow- really, maybe a sign of getting old. Who knows?

Family is super important. A stable family is a blessing by itself. I am blessed with that at least.

Not much negativity in life to be frank. Let’s cheer the positivity. Let’s be optimistic.

Manjit

(10-50 PM)

13rd March 2015 - Frustrating time and currupted mind

I am in a heavily frustrating state. I returned home on 8th September'14 and till today I am unemployed. The unemployment part was not much worrisome when I was engaged in the volunteering work. But now that the livelihood project is over, I am completely jobless & thoughtless.
The pending result from Twitter is the biggest obstacle for taking any concrete decision. There is absolutely no way to find out what is going on the other side. This is making me restless. Yesterday, I sent an email to Colin directly without knowing whether that was a right thing to do or not.
What if Twitter does not give a good news? As days are progressing, I am increasingly getting apprehensive about joining CFBI. My interest level has gone down; also, I am unsure whether the offer is still open. Yesterday, I almost decided to send an email to the VC of Jindal University (haven't sent until now). Sending email to Grace, Inquiring possibilities with Prateek Hajela, meeting Prodyut Bora in Guwahati are some other options I am weighing out at this point of time.

Amidst all the chaos, my mind has gone terribly wrong. I have realized the typical feeling of 'not going outside Assam' has slowly come to my mind and I am pressing hard to do away with this kind of emotions. The zeal to change the world has reached the rock bottom. The other day I spent 3 hours watching some C-grade movie in order to divert my disturbed mind; I felt terribly sorry after that. Writing- I have not been able to write a single piece in last 5 months. In fact, I can't really concentrate beyond 10 minutes. This blog-post is the first 'attention-requiring' thing that I am doing after a long time. I am slowly becoming an average thinker. Help me God! This is not because of the people around me (to an extent yes) , but my 'waiting mode' has contributed the most for degrading my thought process.

I am in terrible mental pain. I want to do justice to the Oxford degree; I also have to be careful of not committing the same mistakes as earlier. Last week, the email from BSG inquiring my whereabouts made me sad. I have postponed several Skype calls with BSG people because I have nothing to share with them. Maybe I am running away from all the people who ask tough (read as appropriate) questions.

Show me light God ! This is not what I imagined while taking the decision to come back to India. I also remember promising you that I won't need God's favor for my post-Oxford endeavors. But here I am again. I just need an entry point please !

Why this Blog?

Writing an autobiography has been on my mind for last couple of years. If I do not publish the words written in my diaries since class VI, then I would do injustice to the very habit of diary writing- this is how I position myself in the mental debate of whether or not penning down my autobiography.
My frequent visit to the Oxford center for Life-Writing at Wolfson College, the personality cult of Homen Borgohain with his superbly written autobiographies, the published diaries of Bhabendra Nath Saikia, the visit to Anne Frank's hidden place in Amsterdam, and most importantly the closure of my secret blog on my failed (fortunately!) MBA voyage have earnestly prompted me to initiate 'something' towards a future autobiography. I have also realized that I am not critically analyzing myself these days as there is not a 'store-house' to safely keep my written analysis.
Hence, I decided to start another secret and unpublished web blog, and 'For An Autobiography' is just the output. Though the decision was taken during Oxford days accompanied by a few writeup, the on-internet creation of the blog took some time. 
I must mention this blog itself should not be considered an autobiography; rather this will assist me whenever I would sit down to start writing an autobiography (hopefully) in future. I will use the 'Labels' effectively from beginning as this blog is expected to have many posts. Though I have not been able to sketch a rough structure of my autobiography (even after heavy research), proper structuring of the blog will ease my future effort.

All the best dear future autobiographer Manjit Nath.

Regards,
Manjit
6th March, 2015