Financial Year Review : 2019-20

I am writing this post sitting at home by doing work from home amidst the Covid-19 outbreak lock-down in the entire world. There is an unprecedented situation outside with the whole world coming to a standstill. There are many positive points as well for people like me, but for vast majority of the population, this is not good.

Thoughts on last year:
1) There was not any extra ordinary event or decision. Things went just fine without any good/bad.
2) Failed endeavours of the year included any investment in real estate. I put some efforts for buying land/flat, but nothing materialized. Closest ones were via Deva Da.
3) My total outstanding 'to be received' loan amounts are below, along-with NPA
   A) Deben Moha -  INR 70,000/- (No interest loan)
   B) Dada -              INR 3,38,231/- (5% SI)
   C) Tapan -             INR 90,934/- (7% SI)
   D) Monu K S -      INR 520/- (NPA)
   E) Aakarshan -      INR 400/- (NPA)
   F) Trish D -           INR 3000/- (No interest loan)
   G) Pranjal K -       INR 50,000/- (2% monthly SI is not considered here for ease)
            Total -          INR 5,53,085/- 

4) Total investment in equity via Sharekhan is 1.25 lakh for the last year. My total investment in Sharkhan stands at 6,05,000 now. Because of the pandemic, my portfolio is at 45% loss as on today's market.
6) The income still is mostly concentrated on salary (around 84%). Since I have a huge amount in Savings account (mainly for marriage and Car purpose), I must try to have better interest rate. Also, considering the liquidity/bankruptcy issues with banks, it is better to have money spread across several bank's accounts
7) The income from Market (only dividend as I didn't sell single equity last FY) has only increased by Rs 2000 around.
8) The income from PPF interest has crossed 50K which has been my target and that's why I transferred 1.4 Lakh on the very first day of this (2019-20) FY.
9) Since I didn't open any new FDs (only renewed) and the FD interest rates are continuously falling, FD interest earning should decrease. However, there is an increase of a few thousands which might be because of the spillover FDs from last FY that got matured in this FY.
10) I bailed out Dada, Moha, Trish and Tapan and I felt good on all those accounts. What's the purpose of money if you can't help others (and also earn interests  in a rate greater than that of Savings accounts)?
11) The mixing of Xomidhan money has been a pending issue and finally I was able to sort the matter. The internet banking for Xomidhan has been activated. I am just waiting for a physical paper and we are good to go. This is such a relief and I will be able to differentiate both the accounts now.
12) I wanted to calculate the total cash used in the FY. But in Dec-Jan, I didn't calculate the month-end cash flow and hence calculating now will be cumbersome.
13) Keeping upkeep (that includes habitat) expenses below 10% is credible. Although people might think me weird for staying in Mahipalpur
14) Since I decided, there will not be addition of new FDs, I must list down my current FDs as on today (9 April 2020)

A) INR 1,00,000 - ICICI - 7.0% - 24/06/19 to 18/07/20
B) INR 1,00,000 - ICICI - 7.5% - 31/01/19 to 12/03/20
C) INR 1,00,000 - ICICI - 6.35% - 30/11/19 to 02/12/20
D) INR 2,66,703 - ICICI - 7.10% - 10/04/19 to 04/05/20
E) INR 2,00,000 - ICICI - 7.5% - 04/06/19 to 04/07/21
F) INR 5,50,000 - ICICI - 6.85% - 02/11/19 to 02/06/21
G) INR 75,000 - SBI - 6.0% 01/03/20 to 26/03/21
H) INR 90,000 - SBI - 5.7% - 29/03/20 to 09/04/21
I) INR 60,000 - M&M Finance - 9.00%- 18/03/19 to 18/12/21
J) INR 2,00,000 - In MAA's bank account
K) INR 1,00,000 - In MOINA's bank account
                     Total --- 18,41,703/-

15) Liquid Money (as on 31 March 2020)
A) ICICI Savings Bank - 17,00,384/-
B) Cash in Hand -                   1,677/-
C) SBI -                             2,77,086/-     
                     Total --- 19,79,147/-
16) The entries in the 'Other' section of Inflow table consists of interest amount by Pranjal, tax refund, annual interest of PPF account and some unknown credit with APY(?) mentioned.

Inflow Table:

	Salary+Food wallet	Reimbursement (Office, others)	Loan Repay(includes EMI interest)	Interest (Savings Account)	Interest (FDs, PPFs)	Market (Equity, MF)	Others	Total
April	132394	7818	1000			617		141829
May	131756		20000			50		151806
June	132393			13105	5780			151278
July			14418			433	6500	79851
August	493346	4000	400			1170		498916
Sept	141105	11500		14709		661	8110	176085
Oct	141106	1200	10300		36711	276	1000	190593
Nov	141106	1800	3971			193		147070
Dec	141105			16616	7498	593		165812
Jan	141106		33673			26	5000	179805
Feb	124235	2000	8673		7443	909		143260
Mar	170485		25673	14715	9692	7691.02	52070	280326.02
Total	1890137	28318	118108	59145	67124	12619.02	72680	2306631.02
Pct%	81.94%	1.23%	5.12%	2.56%	2.91%	0.55%	3.15%

Outflow table: 

	Upkeep	Food	Personal	Family	Investment	Transport	Travel	Gift	Recreation	Tax	Loan	Total
April	14471	4859	480	1820	149447	0	39641	8438	520	18969	1520	240165
May	16171	6507	542	1470	54447	205	330	1190	2521	18969	0	102352
June	15211	2398	2212	1220	25657	2327	381	2747	1141	18969	10917	83180
July	15281	1922	50	2062	173703	620	5838	3231	0	121845	3971	328523
August	16377	3605	0	1004	52167	571	1000	10000	1117	31908	10000	127749
Sept	15591	3070	1366	3461	12167	740	10501	2500	2331	23408	3400	78535
Oct	16020	3241	0	46018	22167	710	23508	500	2690	23407	300	138561
Nov	15847	3018	4365	743	42256	1416	0	1180	4858	23407	73500	170590
Dec	17956	833	4436	132	83645	747	28324	6128	605	0	345024	487830
Jan	15548	4748	104	745	33630	1263	2360	107	1050	0	5000	64555
Feb	18130	2605	500	156	44853	1105	1025	12500	6927	7592	0	95393
Mar	15541	2386	0	2125	109853	1388	21753	0	3104	9342	0
	192144	39192	14055	60956	803992	11092	134661	48521	26864	297816	453632	1917433
Percentage	8.33%	1.70%	0.61%	2.64%	34.86%	0.48%	5.84%	2.10%	1.16%	12.91%	19.67%	83.13%

Thoughts for next year:
1) Since the internet banking of the Xomidhan account is 'almost' ready, I must transfer all Xomidhan money to the new account and de-clutter my Savings accounts.
2) Be a trader, not a long term investor. Please sell some of your stocks and your market earning should be 2-3 % of entire earning.
3) No more FDs please - stick to previous promise.
4) Diversify liquid money into multiple savings account, importantly in banks that offer higher interest rates for Saving Accounts and has lesser risk of going bankrupt unlike Yes Bank (say)
5) Try to have a real estate investment. Better if it comes with a provision of home loan that will give me opportunity to save income tax
6) Talk to a CA if I am missing out any component/strategy for saving tax.
7) Increase expenditure - don't be a middle class. Robert Kiosaki is fine. But investing on health, cloth, happiness, knowledge is a better idea only.


NB: I completed this post on 7 April night with calculation of all FDs and Liquid money, plus the plans for new year. But I could not publish as the insertion of the two tables gave HTML error. I continued the effort on 8 April; while doing refresh in between, everything vanishes. That was effort of 3 hours at least. How crap am I !

Year review of 2019

On the last page of my 2019 diary I termed the year as plain and non-eventful, with much to regret, but nothing to rejoice. I believe that has set the tone for the remaining portion of this post.

1. Let me start with office (which usually contains the word career). In the first half of the year lot of work travel happened and I visited several new places (details below). I wrote about the significance of 28 May at many places (I will enter into Rahu dasha as per Astrology), but things actually got worst after that date. The second half of the year was dominated by work pressure mainly related to Skill India Portal- UAT training and the fights with IBM/IT teams, and the false news of RPL getting INR 2000 Cr. I witnessed the most pathetic digital transformation project in my life. Situations went so far that that I had to appoint others to talk to IT team since I used to get so negative by merely seeing them. This is also a big failure on my part not to be able to control my emotion.
On a holistic level, the insignificance of my role as Deputy Head frustrated me most times. I even questioned my managerial skills, emotional skills etc. Things went to far that I hold talk with Gurpreet on 6 Dec. When she asked which team I want to move, I had no answer. Probably the problem is neither manager nor my reportees, it is the organization.
The year also witnessed the positive transformation of Surajit (remember his first entry with HR?), marriages of Nitasha and Amandeep, farewells of Aayushi, Mohit, Punam, Sonali, Vipul, Ankita, Nitasha(soon) from the team. In fact the fight for resources with HR is one highlight of last year. The pathetic leadership of Manish and MSP, super arrogance of Tamanna continued and made me anguished many times during last year.
On good things - I managed appraisal first time for direct reportees amicably, my engagement in the cluster led project led me to CII and Amazon's fulfillment centre apart from additional knowledge, got opportunities for travel and attending nice meetings (for example the one by International Justice Mission).
Did I try any other job? Only notable attempt was for Amazon via Arun. He helped a lot; but my luck does not appear before 13 failed attempts. After October, I started thinking I might like to close PMKVY and then explore.

2. On Personal fronts, below are the few mention-worthy events:

   A) Moina joining PWC in Guwahati is definitely the biggest development on family front. No progress on her marriage front yet; but the fact that she got into PWC, fulfilled many of my childhood wishes for her and that made me extremely happy & proud.

  B) Getting selected for the Anubhav Lecture series and attending the entire course is the biggest event of 2019 from my personal development point of view. The learning was amazing; it prompted me to dream big again. 

  C) On personal branding front, the year started on an unfortunate note, when I wrote an article in interview format with Pranjal to be published in Assam Tribune- never happened. Then, on the initiation of Deepjyoti, Manikangkana wrote an article for her new section in Niyomiya Barta. The response was good. I also published 2-3 updates in Social Media towards the end of the year on CAA/Detention Camp. 

  D) The '169 Days' project did get an exciting start after my April visit (where I met couple of ex ULFA militants, gathered paper cuts from 1991) and train journeys (where I wrote 2-3 chapters at one go). After much struggle (with the crack provided by Vijay) I was also able to install Scrivener, the software used by Chandrima. The second half of the year was a complete waste. I put much dependency on meeting kidnapped persons before writing a new chapter, which cost me heavily. Except Mr. Pal nobody bothered to meet me and I became a victim of procrastination. I need a ne
w strategy now, I am desperate. 

Waiting to exercise my democratic right

  E) For the non-profits, I devoted some time for Xomidhan this year. The Nagaon trip for reviving Xomidhan’s bank account(remember waiting for the bus moments),  multiple visit to Mahipalpur and Green park branch to finally revive the bank account (still internet banking is pending), the monthly call and regulars stats- all are positive developments. The year ended with the launch of ScholarAssist and celebrating a decade of Xomidhan’s existence. Nothing much on the library, except buying books from Gujarish- Books for All on 10 Nov 2019.

  F) I have written on multiple pages of the diary last year about my fucked up personal life. What I meant is the marriage thing. It has two parts - the estranged relationship with Trish and not able to establish any new relationship for marriage. It was the biggest debacle of the last year. I even opened an account in Jeevansaathi.com, later deleted. Phulen initiated conversation with one woman at PGI who never bothered to revert; Pranjal tried another, who said sorry. The conversation with Trish stopped between, then again started. I have observed she has 'kind of' accepted the reality. But she is still unable to digest the fact that I must get married or date someone else. Something 'change' needs to happen, I believe. In this context, I got to know Bishmita, who became a good friend. The coming year of 2020 is crucial in this topic. I must act - I am old enough now.

3. On Finance front, here are the top developments:

           A. I invested 1 lakh with Tapan's Pronamo Light with 7% simple interest. The EMI was supposed to start from 15 Sept'19 - no update still. Although I was impressed with his documentation, I think that was not a good decision.

           B. Pranjal returned the first installment with profits. I invested 50 K again.

           C. The repair of the Wagon R consumed around INR 27,000/-

           D. The Sharekhan trading continued throughout the year. My PSU  and Anil Ambani company stocks doomed- I lost lot of money. To understand more on trading, I attended Power money free workshop. Although the concept looked promising, I could not gather the courage to invest around 30K+  and one week of time. I need to learn more on theory of trading- that's what I learnt.

                E. The year ended with Dada's desperate request to provide loan to him at 5% simple interest. I even went to bank physically to process the money transfer (as I had lost wallet in Ramnagar and no card with me). I hope this does not turn out to be NPA as point(A) above. Both of these are super risky investments as I don't have any strategy to make the loan repaid.

          F. In Appraisal, I was rated 'High' just below 'Star', got around 9% hike and my CTC crossed 25 Lakhs for the first time.

4. Health:

Although the year started with very bad health condition, most part of remaining year went well. I only wrote about bad health on three instances- just after appraisal (loose motion and fever), high BP while coming from April home trip and during first week of August just after the Itanager trip when I skipped office for a day. However, there are two big developments of the year on health front. Firstly, I finally visited an urologist for the red mark on penis head and the skin issue. I did a few tests, made a follow-up visit, continued the medication for several weeks- it has improved, but no full cure. Later during health check up, the Medanta doctor told that is skin issue and dermatologists need to be consulted, all fine from urology perspective. In these visits, I will never forget undressing my private part in front of someone. However, the biggest achievement or health performance of last year was the completion of RCT on my lower jaw tooth and having the cap at Smile Dental clinic in Mahipalpur after around 5-6 seating. Considering my fear for dentist, I could not help myself patting on back for completing this activity in 2019. 

5. Important Dates:

•        13 Feb – First line of the novel; maybe the stoppage of Airtel dongle (from NegD) helped-:)
•        19 Mar - Coming of summer- bathed with cold water for the first time
•        30 Mar – Visit to national archive, NM library and planetarium- all alone for book research
•        16 May – Shubham’s farewell dinner at Lemontree hotel
•        23 May – Modi won again, becoming stronger,  in 2019 Parliamentary election
•        24 May - Visiting NIT Durgapur after more than a decade (Tea Board the next day)
•        23 Jun – Mathura trip with two MPs, then disaster at Shivaji stadium metro station
•        19 Jul – Situation at office went so frustrating (with high BP) that I took a day off; met Vikram, Abhijit Da at ONGC. Anubhav lecture series from the next day
•        13 Aug - Visited Supreme Court of India for the first time for office meeting (Mr. Ranjan Gogoi is CJI)
•          14 Sep – Visiting the inside of a construction site for RPL opening ceremony of Credai
•       20 Sep – Meeting Krishan Pal- first interview of a kidnapped person for my book
•        5 Nov -  Facilitating the meeting between Pranjal and Rajib Da at Secular House; I wrote in diary this day would be the start of an ambitious initiative; now 3 months later- it's taking shape
•      12 Dec - Journey from Ghy Airport to Agia amidst CAB protests 

6. Travels undertaken : When lot of work travel opportunities came in the first half of the year (mainly to fight my weekend boredom), I had to decide which place to visit. Then I decided to give a meaning to the travels and made a travel chart 'Zing Travel Express'. That was my attempt to make travel interesting and meaningful. Below are the places I went outside NCR:

1)      Mumbai visit to attend GC of BFSI, stayed with Moina, met Gagan with his family, met Kanad after years and the long chat, entered BSE building for the first time, stay extended as I booked right ticket for wrong dates, felt very sorry. Couple of Mumbai trips later as well, including the one where I met Mr. Krishan Pal; another where I went IIT Mumbai.

2)      Coimbatore visit to attend GC of  Textile SSC, visited Isha foundation, then textile mill for first time.

3)      Ajmer- Jaipur trip, writing novel in Satabdi, visited the only Brahma temple at Pushkar, Ajmer sharif, and of course the sudden barefoot college visit.

4)      My first ever visit to Madhya Pradesh - monitoring visit to Bhopal and Raisen.

5)      First visit to Bihar (Vaishali, Patna, Darbhanga via Muzzafarpur & Hajipur)

6)      Chennai trip – visiting mining site for the first time, L&T office and meeting Anshuman at beach

7)      The Tawang trip coupled with the home trip. Lot done in this home trip.

8)      The short Lucknow trip- could not meet the kidnapped IAS guy, but wrote a chapter in the train.

9)      Home trip on Office expenses, visited Darrang etc (BD’s sad face while saying goodbye).

10)   Varanasi visit with Aakarshan, visiting many temples and ghats, conversation over drink with Aakarshan - he is a nice guy.

11)   Itanagar trip to attend Kisan Sampada Workshop, going via Satabdi, coming via Lilabari

12)   The home puja trip - the unforgettable get together of JNM 2000 metric batch, establishing contact with Bikas again, visiting Goalpara jail and watching the detention centres 

13)   Bangalore trip and the NESA get together with Agru, Saurav, Rupak and Swakshar.

14)   CAB protest home trip, The journey from Ghy to Agia, Moina’s marriage, the failed meetings.

15)   Chandigarh trip to meet Rajinder Singh and the way he ditched at last moment, bloody fucking attitude by Phulen, great hospitality by Saahil and his family, awesome meeting Piyush of Anubhav.

16)   The journey to Ramnagar, Nainital and Jim Corbette park with Moina, Disha and Sheetal.

7. People- new, old, leaving

1.       Anil Sahai, new, Sentio Advisory, the troublemaker at office with old Assamese connection

2.       Hitesh Da (revived, stayed at my place on his Delhi visit)

3.       Rajib Da(became very close when he took drastic decision to return to Assam)

4.       Kaushik Ray, new, with his NDA dreams

5.       Arshi Adil, Piyush, Ankita, Anupama and all others in Anubhav lecture Series

6.       Interns at office – Anju, Ayushi and Yash

7.       Bishmita Dutta, new, became good friend

8.       Amal Da (revived from Asomiya Pratidin Jagriti Yatra connection)

9.       Bikas Das (revived, how can I forget they fed me in their rented house after SKCs chemistry tuition)

10.   Utpal Da, new, the person who wants to unite all Nath Yogis of the world

11.   Manish Joshi, Shubham, Megha, Dibakar (emotionally) - they left and became less relevant in 2019
12. Leaving for heavenly abode - Jethi (Jiten's mother), Surya (Ramen's brother)

8. Recreation:

1.       Watched plays by Dr. Bhabendra Nath Saikia in January

2.       Watched the play 'To Poidam' by Badungduppa at New Delhi theater festival

3.       Movies- Badla, Joker, Dabaang3

4.       Learning Manadala Art- maybe I should revisit this someday. I realized how much I don't know.

5.       Watching Surajit’s prog on 1 Aug and having dinner at Pot Belley with office people

6.       Watched Xatriya at IGNCA after attending the book launch of Achyut Daaas 

7.       Watched 3 Assamese movies this year ---Kanchanjanga completely alone at night (not as recreation, but to deflect myself from stress), Ratnakar where I paid the ticket prices of 6 people, and then Aamis, the most talked about movie of the year.

8.       Watched Abhigyanam Sakuntalam, in Kashmiri language at JNU, met Tankeswar Da with Rajib Da.

9. Notable Public Event of the year 

a. Citizenship bill dominated the year; the year was started with AGP coming out of Sarkar on 7 Jan and protest all around; the year ended with protest while CAB becoming CAA, but AGP betraying people of Assam. Huge protests all around Assam - unprecedented, unimaginable!

b. Big decisions taken by Modi Govt - first strike at Balakot followed by Pulwama attack which eventually made Modi win election; scrapping Article 370 after election result was a bold move as well.

c. CJI Ranjan Gogoi ended his tenure by pronouncing judgement on Babri Masjid demolition case.

10. Last year review thoughts and for next year:
In last year review post, I wrote- Moina's marriage, post-election big-bang something, work on the book, more public writing. Nothing has happened on the four fronts, except 3 chapters on the book promise.

For next year, I have no hope from myself. Period.

Looking at 'life as period'

Hello Manjit,
How are you doing? Are you still single? Is your book done? Are you still searching a job that is relatable to your wholesome skills?

You know I used to take pride/satisfaction that I invented some concepts. I say, I invented this terminology of seeing 'life at a moment' vs 'life as period'. But later I found out the same philosophy has already been forwarded by Prof Danial Cohenman in a slightly different format, although moot idea is same. I believe my thought process is at par with leading thinkers of this world; but I am not getting the opportunity. Rather, I have not been able to create the opportunity with my current capacity.

A) The first leap out of closet: I was looking at the whatsapp status of Narayan, son of my mother's elder sister. He has joined a block/circle level office as computer operator type job a few months back. He was sharing photos of attending meeting of conference room, video conferencing, a glimpse alongside DC/ADC etc. Coming from the similar background, I know these were big deals back then (even now!). Knowing even a peon or chowkidar in any govt office was considered luckiest. Whenever I find someone (including Narayan) sharing such pictures or updates, I couldn't laugh. A strange type of disappointment bothers me; I feel like crying, or to be honest, I cry sometimes (including today). I see myself, Deuta, Maa or Dada imbibed into those Narayans. I feel so so small. If someone asks is that your 'aukat' , what should I say?
                           Let's not have slightest doubt in your mind that people will eventually attach you with this slightest weak link. After going the above paragraph, many will say, 'C'mon, these are past and not relevant for you now'. I too thought that way. But not always! You will find people who are waiting for the very chance to show you the 'aukat' of the past because you have matched them in the present. Caste, geography, parental income/profession, siblings are examples of such links.

B) Equality & Justice: In my immediate circle, I find 90% of the people started life from a privileged line ahead of me. It makes the comparison very difficult. This realisation first came to me during NIT Durgapur; with times, the percentage of such people has only increased in my circle. I try my best to keep a balance, but that is not possible. Incidentally, the Assamese circle has most people in the fewer percentage category, and my office circle is the highest contributor to the larger percentage category. This constantly gives me two different emotions- firstly, I feel sad for missing the privileges and consider that as the biggest contributor to my current misery/failure/low esteem (of not doing anything significant); secondly, I get zero inspiration from my circle because I consider them as failed product who have only managed my level (which is a failed level) even after starting from a privileged mark. On a different note- I feel good when I see the son of a state Chief Minister becoming the Chief Justice of India. That also means I give recognition to a 'high-fi' level of people where person of my kind don't, in fact, shouldn't get entry. I know, this a very middle class thought -- 'xihot dangor manuh!'. When will I start recognising myself equal to them? Will that self recognition ever come considering the point(A) above?

Dear future self, share your current thought on the two topics above.

C) Hiding truth or exposing knowledge: I think I have super middle class mentality. If you think that is wrong, you must be worried as I have found scientific explanation to carry forward my way of living/thinking. Now, I am in conundrum - am I becoming more middle class or am I getting enlightened with help of new found knowledge?
            I will give two examples- first one is related to finance. Why haven't I bought a car, a washing machine, why am I living in Mahipalpur etc. Robert Kiyosaki has provided all the explanation in terms of asset and liabilities. The theory on minimalism is another eye-opener. Walking to workplace has the health reasoning as well. Overall, I think I am doing nothing wrong. The second one is Cohenman's explanation of 'experiencing self' vs 'remembering self'. The happiness in a moment is forgotten in 6 Sec; it does not even help in decision making. This kind of knowledge has helped me in lot of buying decisions.

Recently I have observed my attention span has decreased. Continuously sitting at a place and writing have become difficult. I have not written a single line for the book in last 4-5 months. 3-4 Article ideas are pending since the beginning of the year. I must understand there is no other way I can make an impact by being alone except writing. The pain of not being able to write is creeping in. This is serious now and I must find a solution.

Enough for today. Now that I have found a way to write to you, I will fall back on this option frequently (hopefully). Take care,


Your Yours truly
Zing

Starting new section- letter to future self

Writing letter  to future self is not a new idea. I think (if I remember correctly) while talking to Shainky, my junior from NIT Durgapur, this idea again popped up.

This might also solve one more categorisation issue. The current categories of this blog today are not succinctly representing a post covering my theories on life, which are not decisions, which are written in first person (i.e. not Zingism), and which are not strictly related to career or personal life (i.e. intangibles).

Although I am not 100% convinced with the logic of the second para above (while writing I have realized there is overlap), I believe, a section on letter to future self might be interesting.

Wait! I think Astrology is essentially about dealing with future. Hence, I am deleting the category and putting the single post in that category with the new 'letter to future self'.

Old categories: (Astrology, Birthday Post, Blog Strategy, Career, Decisions, Event, Finance, Health, Intangibles, Year Review, Zingism)

New categories: (Birthday Post, Blog Strategy, Career, Decisions, Event, Finance, Health, Intangibles, Year Review, Zingism, Letter to future-self)

Let's see how it goes! All the best !

Prioritisation factors for choosing a bride

I wrote a blog earlier, last year, about the kind of qualities I look for in a woman whom I want to get married. That was written for a purpose of discussion, which never took place. The thought process and targeted 'beneficiaries' have also changed. Since yesterday, I have been thinking critically why I am biased towards a few things. One hour ago, I also learnt that Abhijit Banerjee, this year's Economics Noble winner, divorced his equally competent Indian wife to marry a German, his research assistant who is a co-recipient of this year noble prize. It seems the turbulence of personal life has little impact on professional accolades.

Let me attack myself critically.

Why I want an independent self sufficient woman? Whole my life (until now), I have been struggling to get settled. To be honest, I am tired of this struggle. I am yet not there where I needn't to prove myself. Constantly, I need to prove myself - to the seniors, to the batch-mate and to the world. This is because I have chosen a non-traditional path, and also because people has put me in slightly high pedestal. At this point of time, I only want a strong companion who knows how to take care of herself. Not only that, I must derive energy from her for my struggle. Am I not capable enough to carry out my own fight? Maybe yes. Then why do I want to depend on someone? Maybe, I am tired. But then the the big question will come- will I be happy if I get something without struggle? I have not been able to answer this as I have not got anything without struggle until now. But the truth is I get attracted towards smart independent woman (as simple as when I see any women driving a car). Since this attraction has to do with the thought process I have evolved over time, it would be difficult for me to suppress this emotion.

What about economic condition of  the parents of the bride? Although I keep thinking myself as middle class- look at the house Dada and Maa have built - that's freaking big. Any woman coming from such a big house- I should not term as 'rich' then. It means I should be comfortable in dealing with woman from high middle class background. But the problem is about my personality -- I am quite lower middle class kind of guy. In a 24-hour window, if I have to keep explaining about my middle class behaviour to someone, it would be awkward. Will this behavioural issues lead to tension post marriage? Maybe the woman becomes exactly like me, or I changed as her. How about my family members not feeling comfortable with the other family members? Is that an issue at all? Siblings don't play much role, but I have to be happy, even if I don't consider Maa. How about a career move where I need to stay in Assam/Agia along with family members? The compatibility will not be limited to me and her then.

Look! I think I have a strong inclination towards tall girl and also girls having sizeable breasts/buttocks. Fashionable is not something I will be comfortable with, I think, although those women seems attractable at first look. Here, I am talking about spending entire life, not one night. Healthy, average Assamese good looking is fine. But am I ready to compromise look for career/independence ? This is a big question as I keep talking about career. I think I want look to a certain extent. Highly successful woman without average look- I will not go ahead.

Recently, I think I have developed 'younger to me' logic very strictly. The Pune lady who contacted me is having all the qualities, but I am not going ahead only for the age logic. How ironic is that - I remember I only liked elder women earlier. With time, I am knowing myself better, or, tastes are changing with requirements. I want someone to take care of myself in old ages, rather than I take care of her - how selfish I am! Maa said women can spend time alone in old age, men can't. I try to understand her logic- maybe she is right.

Should I marry someone from Agia around? I remember Mridul's declaration (Manjit can't marry beyond Agia,Karipara,Uportola etc), Dhiramoni's saying (Manjit marrying someone from Agia surrounding will give a sad message to his old crushes) and my own wish that I won't marry someone from nearby. Should I stick to this childhood notion, or should that change as well? From someone who wanted only virgin, I am ok with someone with multiple relationships now. Why then I have not been able to change my old notion of not marrying from neighbourhood?

That's why I keep telling God, please take lead in this decision.

35th Birthday at NSDC, Delhi

35 is a BI...I....IG number. Although people keeps telling age is just a number, 35 seems really big. When thinking about age, I always wonder, what if I were a woman, specifically an Indian woman, independent but unmarried until 35! Then I think, there is nothing much to get scared- this is just a phase of life that will pass on.

It is 9 AM now- I have started writing the post so that I can finish by the end of the day. It will be full office day at NSDC. Last year, I went home; this year, I decided to spend here only. Manager is on leave and am expecting bit relaxed day.

[Sitting in room#15] : Office activities are going in a non-exciting fashion. I have nothing much to complain as the changes I am expecting can be done only from the leadership level. The RPL team is getting shrunk day by day, scope of no learning from manager and colleague continued, uninspiring leadership still exists, favoritism etc remained. Still, there are positive perspectives - the appraisal happened on time (today my bank account will get the arrears and other things), not much politics in the team, absence of cheap competition, a designation I carry that is worth valuing etc. I remember Vikram Chand's words - you have a title, you have a place to work and getting some amount of money monthly.

Whether I want to continue here at NSDC or explore outside- this is something worth thinking. I have already started thinking (from that notorious Friday when I had to take leave). More or less, there are two 'way forwards' I am thinking -- moving back to for-profit sector (eg- my recent application to Amazon and Facebook for Public Policy Manager roles) or moving to a political appointee type role (only chance here I see having a conversation with HBS). I am also learning to keep my enthusiasm continuing in the current organization so that the frustration of failed job application(s) does not creep in. So far things are under control.

The other thing that is not in control is the personal life which is almost unanimous with marriage. [I have a meeting now, and need to stop writing, 10-22 AM]

[7-55PM, sitting at home]- The day did not go relaxed as expected. After the room#15 writing, I hardly got time to sit and write. I came home with 40+ unread emails. After HR sent email, there has been multiple wishes- both email and physical wishes. Aayushi came to know in the morning and started wishing in the whatsapp group. Aakarshan changed the narrative 'ab ki saal, shaadi ki saal'- eventually the whole office was talking about marriage. The team brought cake, did facial with cream, and I took the whole team for snacks at Foodcourt. People from STT and other teams also joined in. It was really eventful day.

Apart from the above, two conversations dominated the day- my conversation with Aayushi and Punam. So sad to hear that Aayushi's father has been diagonised with Cancer. She was crying like hell. In between that, I had to convey the message of her transfer to the Sankalp team. I presented it in such a way that she feels her importance and influence in NSDC to such extent that CEO and others are noticing her. I was losing a valuable resource, still, I tried to put her interest first.

Then I sat with Punam. I was right in thinking that she hasn't been able to take any decision. Her indecisiveness, in turn, is creating further trouble in aligning resources. I tried to show her different perspectives of her current situation. It was a good positive discussion.

It was also last day for Anju's internship. The discussion I had with Anju regarding my book endeavour taught me many things. She will do English literature from Ambedkar University now. I should be in touch with more people like Anju who can advise me on English literature.

Vandana (HR) asked me how can I be a Leo. I don't look or act like Leo. Maybe, she doesn't know me yet. Or, am I like that?


Coming to the prominent issue of current life/birthday - the marriage thing. There is no update and nothing else is happening on that front. On Trish front, that is a closed chapter since last 1.3 months. It was bad bad closure. I went through some of the most disturbed days and eventually had to engage family members. Oh God- I just want to forget those days, even though overall experience with her had been fantastic. The Anubhav lecture series has come as rescue. Although the good days as per Astrology is far from starting, I hope I should be able to think openly in case of marriage. The next step would be of choice etc. I don't know, I am kind of afraid now, to be honest.

God, you have to really help me here. I am clueless on marriage front. Please, you must act now.

On other things on birthday - gifted INR12,000/- on BD's newly created PPF account, invested INR 50,000/- in Pranjal nursery (2% monthly interest rate), initiated discussion on the flat mentioned by Deva Da (by the way, the day today started at 3-00 AM with Deva da going for taking flight).

I don't want to end the post with any hope. 'Ji hobo, dekha jabo' - I am ending with this attitude. May God bless all of you.

Goallessness in life

Since I returned from home after the Bihu trip, a strange sense of goallessness (not a right word?) has creepped in. Both in professional and personal life, I am without any aim.

As I have completed one year in NSDC, things have stopped exciting me. The leadership crisis at the organization, the favoritism by CEO, absence of matured and intellectual colleagues, the absolute zero learning have turned me off completely. There are only two events that I am reluctantly waiting - election result+new Skill minister and the pay revision post appraisal, in the same order.

At Shubham's farewell party

Election result is coming on 23 May. Earlier I had some imagination expecting HBS or Kamakhya Da might become a minister. Nothing happened. Exit poll by seven agencies has predicted return of NDA with clear majority. I just hope a dynamic minister will come, clear up NSDC's worthless top management and the new leadership will be unbiased for creating an employment led skill ecosystem. This particular event might bring back my energy and excitement.

The appraisal went well- I hope MSP will mark me 'High' at least. With the hike, if my CTC crosses 25L, it gives me an impetus for looking for another opportunity. Rather than extensive look out, I wish if some good opportunity just pops up out of luck.

Luck - ha ha! The astrology says from 28 May'19 onwards I would enter into 'Rahu' dasha, which is super awesome for me. Who knows something happens by luck only, for a change!

Range of diverse things are playing in my mind career wise- should I go out of India for a few years for job purpose (I even talked with Geetashri on this), what about again applying for Reliance-Stanford scholarship (I have kept the application page open for last one week, but I am still unsure whether I really need an MBA, that too at this hour of my life), should I start part time PhD in JNU/IIT Delhi etc, how about going for any foreign scholarship for 2-3 months, should I submit the book idea to some funder and fully concentrate on writing, if Kamakhya Da becomes BJP president in Assam, should I try for a assembly seat (forgot the after Oxford disaster), what kind of roles should I try in case I try for jobs outside NSDC, should I stay one more year in NSDC and try for promotion (but how is that possible with MSP in place), should I try to become PS to any minister in new Govt (will I get the salary amount as I am getting now), how about talking with Vikram for any opportunity in World Bank again --- lot of diverse things. You must be able to guess my present state of mind.

[although this post is put under Career label, let me write about personal stuff below to give wholesome picture of goallessness]

But if you are thinking turbulent professional life is killing me, you are naive. Everyday I am praying God that I would still take care of professional life, but please help me sort out my personal life. After Maa put a hold on Trish affair, my marriage thing completely became standstill. I haven't even met any girl in last 1-2 years that I really liked, or matches a few parameters the way Trish did. The relationship with her is in bitter stage as she knows I am coward enough to let this go because of my fear for my illogical mother. I am approaching 35; this is high time. If I have to get married, this is already late. But things are not moving and I can't even see a ray at the end of tunnel. To be honest, I don't know whether there is a tunnel. Everyone else is getting married (even Dibakar) or becoming parent (Pranjal, Mridul), and being single does not look cool now. I am losing this, seriously God. Help me out here, please!

To come out of the goallessness, some time I think of changing the rented house, buying a car, joining a Gym, going to dentist, doing nasty thing such as having sex with prostitute or taking drugs, buying a flat, writing an expose article, changing my hair/beard style, becoming office-bearer in Assam Association - hell lot of crazy thoughts. At the end of the day, I do nothing, sit idle at home, increase my blood pressure- such a waste of time. Taking Hypertension tablet has become frequent now.

Something is wrong. I am ruining time, my health, and maybe my life.  How can I come out of this?

Is 28 May the turning point?