Time for a full time PhD from a reputed university abroad ?

I remember my decision points during November-December of 2013 just ahead of the deadline for applying to BSG's first cohort of PhD applicants. Ngaire's famous words "if something is not letting you sleep, then only you know, this is the right time for PhD" are still vivid in my memory.

Three years later, I still don't have anything which is not letting me sleep. But for some reasons, I have been thinking of a full time PhD for quite some time. It became so intense that I started writing an email to Prof Tom Simpson (BSG) today. Then, I took a pause.

To take the decision whether I should go ahead or not, first I must understand why this resurgence of PhD desire. Then I have to draw the implication of going or not going ahead with such a decision.

Part -I : Probable reasons for my full-time PhD desire:

1. The boredom/questions at current work place. Being an MPP from Oxford, am I at the right place doing the right thing? None of my colleagues are from such background, still we are on the same boat. Is this normal? What's next for me?

2. The urge to continuously challenge myself. After the failure of the "Setting up strategic cell at Assam CMO", I am left with no challenging endeavour now. There is a restlessness growing inside me. Targeting a PhD from a reputed university is certainly a challenging task. Hence, I am forcing myself to get excited !

3. The cool factor. PhD from Oxford is certainly a cool/wow factor. Maybe, I simply love this.

4. The realisation of reality. BSG made me think I can change the world. But, in reality, I was not even capable of getting a job for first 15 months post BSG. Maybe I want to live again in that 'thought paradise'. I want to run away from the current problems (because I can't solve them) and want to live with the thought that I can solve them all once I come back to the country.

5. The fact that I know some professors of BSG/have a Masters degree from Oxford, gives me a confidence (?) that I can crack a full time PhD whenever I apply. Also, Ngaire's word that BSG PhD will be 'practical, on-the-field working with real problem solvers' type attracts me.

6. The on-going part-time PhD by Ibu, Saluja, Satyakam  etc is constantly pressurising me to take a decision; this is not necessarily my interest component for a PhD.

7. Can an email to BSG people asking for advice for preparation of untimed PhD act as a relationship keeping tool? Or, will it spoil my impression as I am not sure enough?


Part -II : Today morning I spent some time with this thought. But now, I have decided that I will not write the email to Tom. It might indicate that I will not pursue the idea of full time PhD for some months. The reasons behind that thought:

1. The blog that I shared on Facebook yesterday was helpful in pushing me to the real world. The fancy degrees from a great university can't equip me to solve real life problems, which is my interest area.

2. The paper that I am drafting with the JNU Intern (Pallabi Barah) again made me realise how superficial and painful the process of academic paper writing & research is.

3. I went through Tom's research interest in BSG website- it is on Trust. There is hardly any connection with ICT4Development or that sort which I have been thinking. Spending 20 minutes in the BSG website reminded me the intense, unrealistic academic atmosphere that I did not like at all. I don't think I am the PhD kinda guy.

4. I should stay in the current job until July 2017, so that there is some hike in my salary and that is reflected in payslip, which in turn would help me negotiate salary for next job. It was a grave mistake in Aizawl and I paid the price in the current job negotiation. Industry offers salary based on last drawn. Though I always say my needs are limited, I believe I should be paid for which I am worthy enough.

5. There are options of Part-time PhD, Fellowship etc that I can explore which would give similar experience like a full time PhD from a reputed university abroad.


Let me end here. Will re-visit if necessary !

Happy Birthday Manjit Nath

I am turning 32 today. Happy birthday Manjit Nath !

I was afraid this would be a post with super negativity because of my circumstances in last one week. But before writing this, I just glanced at my last birthday post. Huh.... the situation was worst. No job for a year, repeated failed attempts, no money for house construction work, a laptop with number of keys not working! Well, I am much better off now. Thank you almighty (I am not finding anyone to thank to be frank)

Celebrating b-day with cream cake at Urpad without
Arup's knowledge

I am at home in Agia now. I thought of spending the 32nd birthday amidst family people and hence coincided the home visit accordingly. But unfortunately, home has become a place with tremendous negative energy, mainly for two reasons - the non-ending house construction works and the broken things (mixer grinder, oven, tube light, UPS, kitchen and so on). I remember the article depicting the difference between loving 'things' vs loving 'experiences'. I want to add- the amount of short-term pleasure 'things' can give is much lesser than the amount of long-term unhappiness broken/missing things can give.The house construction decisions are very painful. At every decision, I/(we) was made to realise the 'middle class economy family'. That is the most painful part in my psychology.


To add to all this, yesterday's meeting with RSS Northeast head Ullash ji was a disaster. I and Mausam were made to wait 2 hours for a five minute briefing. His attitude towards Assam government was not enthusiastic. I was angry with Mr. Surendra and Mr. Pradip Hazarika who informed me that they had already briefed Ullash ji, but in fact, they didn't. When I was coming by a traveller which was stopping for every passenger on the road, I was fuming, felt humiliated. At night I dreamt a very bad dream of failure. Today morning I woke up with a completely negative heart. How many days do I need to plead for giving me an opportunity to help my motherland? Whom am I going to help actually - the stupid tracker driver, the non-sense traveller handyman, the corrupted Assam government officials, the laziest Assamese creatures?What am I getting out of this?  Humiliation, anger, frustration, failure? Are these prices I have to pay for !@#$%??

Chanda starting a new phase, Moina and Dhunu are there too

Ok, now let me now come to the positive points. I have to convert this day to be an optimistic one. The behaviour of RSS people yesterday can be explained by the Outlook magazine story (that trended in India Twitter too) where RSS Assam was accused to trafficking poor tribal girls out of Assam. That was more serious than mine, and I have nothing much to complaint. The house construction is nearing end; at least we know now how the end will look like. And, for money, what will I do with the money I have currently? I can directly invest around INR 20 lacs today. But I don't need to invest even 2 lacs. So, where is the worry?

It is 7:22 AM and I am expecting an eventful still relaxed day today.

As I turned 32 today, I am thinking I should think about getting married and all. To be honest, I have not been able to find a cause/reason that might require my service as a committed bachelor. That is the only reason I am thinking of getting hooked. Moina's marriage is high priority item as of now. If everything goes fine, she should get married by next year. I have already initiated the process, talked to her twice about marriage and also talked to the boy twice (via Himalaya thing). I am not much impressed; still, it is very difficult to judge someone over a 2-minute chat via telephone. Hence, I am quite optimistic and looking forward.

I will make the coming year the most fruitful year- I promise to myself today. Things will be positive, it has to be positive. If not, I will make it positive.

On this positive note, let me end this post. It is 9-31 PM now; time to sleep.

Fever - how it destroys the self confidence

This week was terrible from health perspective. I started feeling low from Monday noon, and by Tuesday afternoon, temperature went high. Wednesday and Thursday were terrible. Recovery started from Friday and currently I am stable with bit of weakness and cough.

Obsessed with photo even on ill bed !

Cold and fever have been my acquaintances. It does not worry me much as I know I would be recovered soon. However, during the extreme temperature period, oh my God! You feel like the whole world would crash. I just can't explain the feeling- you don't want to eat, don't feel like doing any damn thing, want no person in vicinity but can't leave alone also, electric fan/AC is dangerous but the summer will compel you, hot water for eating and bathing though cold water is so much desirable. The mutually exclusive type scenarios make your choices so hard and that further frustrates the ill person.

You also realise the importance of having a family. Luckily, Trishna was there to help for some time. The career ambitions seem so non-priority on those moments. Even the self confidence goes down to bottom. The ultimate objective becomes only survival.

I hope my annual fever is over until 2017. There is not much lesson this time, went almost peacefully.

There is absolutely nothing going on in life except office works. After the failed attempt with the Assam government, I have not gathered the courage to fail again. God, help me come out of this ! I feel like I have been trapped. Help me God ! Am I diminishing my aspirations?

Deuta's 8th death anniversary - some thoughts

Today is Deuta's 8th death anniversary. I often think how life would have been with Deuta around ! How he would have reacted to the news of Moina joining for her first job, me getting into Oxford or interacted with Dada's kids. BD and Junma's initial education at Deuta's hands- oh, I so much miss that scene! These two kids would have given a entirely different experience to Deuta. Maa would not have been alone. Also, how would have Deuta acted in the house construction affair?

Bhagawat path at home today; Dada is there

Of course, there would have been moments of irritation with Deuta as well. But, as we get matured, we would have been in a position to handle Deuta with much ease compared to old days. At least, I am quite confident on this front. I miss him, sometimes, very seriously.

Life without Deuta has been OK. The biggest victim has been Maa. But somehow, she has also adjusted herself. The days just after death were unbearable. The wound has healed over the years.

My relationship with Maa, Dada, Bou or Moina has been very good. I wish the same would continue. They are surely complex people to handle; somehow I have attained the skill of handling them. I haven't had any heated argument with anyone for last 2-3 years. This is remarkable on my part.

I want to expand the library setup in Deuta's name. He was a good human being, a fact accepted by all. I am similar to him in many aspects, people told. Dada tries to follow Deuta while raising his children. So, his legacy should be told.

On other happenings of life,
A. I attended Moina's convocation at Anand with Maa- amazing experience. She is in Bhubaneswar now; I need to make a trip ASAP.
B. Both the saads of the house is completed.
C. We met Sarbananda Sonowal again on 11 June and requested for a headway. He is positive, but unaware of the technical nitti-gritties.
D. I did a big mistake by not installing AC in my rented house. Apologise for the mistake.
E. Bandana left Xomidhan. We are trying to on-board Trishna. The mentorship program is underway.
F. Office work is good, recruited a few interns. Lot of event management type activities. Slowly I am developing the urge to leave Delhi and work in Assam.
G. Delhi circle - Ashok Da, Kailash, Dhrujyoti Da, Priyanka, Himalay, Rintu, Office friends, chat with Trishna, Pranjal, the Assam uddhar abhiyan team- that's all life is.

New era in Assam..any place for my vision? -19th May 2016

Today is 19^th May. Election results are being counted in my state. Never in my life, had I been so excited about Assam election result, as I am this time. Somehow or other, I think this can act as a turning point of my upcoming life.

This all started with a call from Satyakam, informing I would receive a telephone call from a guy named Himalay Sarma. Himalay is an enthusiastic young chap who convinced BJP president Amit Shah to take up his Assam election campaign idea and subsequently worked with BJP in Assam for a month with the Assam Nirman Foundation initiative prior to the assembly election. 

In front of Sarba da's house

As Expected Himalay called from the US and we planned to meet once he returns to Delhi. A month later, he came down to my rented place and we had lunch and pitha along with Kailash and Anshuman (Chennai). But the real fruitful meeting was held when Satyakam came to Delhi and we discussed the first draft of the proposal for অসম বিকাশ প্রকল্প for around 4 hours at my place. I took around 20 days to prepare the draft. 

During the discussion, Ibu (Garg, the IRS guy) joined in and we four decided to go to the official resident of Mr. Kamakhya Tasa, MP from Assam. Luckily, he just arrived Delhi from Tirupati and invited us for dinner. Both Satyakam and Himalay were in good terms with Tasa Da and that really helped.

In our 3- hour long stay period at Tasa da’s house at South Avenue, we pitched the idea of setting up a CMO having a group of working professionals. He requested to send us some documents conveying the message of buying in the idea. In fact, he suggested that we must meet Sarbananda Sonowal, BJP’s projected Chief Minister in Assam and volunteered to do the introduction part.

The discussion was very positive. Tasa Da is a good human being, often cribs about his poverty, but overall a wonderful and logical person to work with. By the time we reached home at 12-00 AM, we were all rejuvenated to complete the proposal.

I spent the next 3 days to make the draft ‘almost OK’ and sent to the other three. We opened an email thread in Gmail and also a whatsapp group to communicate on demand basis. While I was busy in modifying the document, Himalay kept trying for an appointment with Sarba da. On 12^th May, he told us (myself and Ibu) to be prepared for any time on 13^th. After multiple uncertainty rounds, the impression was that 13th won't be possible; I left and went home since Sukrya da was supposed to stay at my place.

Inside Sarba residence with ever smiling Tasa da

After some time Sukrya da called and insisted on me coming to IHC to meet Mr. Utpal Borpujari, the film maker. I arrived IHC by Auto, keeping my bag at home. After half an hour, Himalay called to inform that the meeting is fixed at 9-00 PM and I need to take printouts of our proposal. I ran out of IHC, reached home, took the laptop and reached office for taking print out. The last minute khelimeli took 20 minutes for taking simple printouts; by the time I reached Race Course Metro, it was almost 8-56 PM.

Himalay was accompanied by Dipjyoti (from RSS) and Hirak (from VHP). Ibu too joined. We waited for around an hour in front of Sonowal's residence, requesting permission for a meeting. Eventually, Tasa da came, but could not manage an entry as all MPs were gathered there for a secret meeting. It was decided to come again the next day. Since Himalay would leave for Assam the next early morning, I and Ibu decided to come together along with Dipjyoti and Hirak.

In the MP meeting that night, Tasa da claimed to have shown our proposal to Sarba Da and asked for a physical meeting at 12-00 PM. I was on time, as usual. 

On entering his residence, I saw a queue of people waiting to meet Sarba Da. Thanks again to Tasa Da, we were taken directly to an inside room. We waited for around 2 hours there; but the discussion with Tasa da and others was very engaging.  Apart from the selas, Majuli MLA, head of AMTRON, Yuva Morcha president were people sitting with us. 

When we were taken to Sarba da’s room finally, there were already a group of people sitting. He asked to speak about the proposal and I started speaking standing just beside him.

Soon, he intervened. Himalay told about his nature of intervention and speaking behaviour; hence, I did not protest. He spoke about his ideas. Some of them are great ideas such as stopping the syndicate system, mapping the different types of land in Assam etc.  But our objective was to convince him about the concept of CMO and on the ‘HOW’ part, not on the “WHAT’ part.

Eventually, I intervened and discussion kept happening from both the directions. We talked for around 15 minutes. Ibu was taking notes, Tasa Da was also helping me to keep the things in perspective. Other attendees such as Sports Secretaries, some selas also spoke in between.

The ending was abrupt. He was asking us to do different things – write a white paper on Assam current economic condition, go through the vision document etc, but he was silent on how we will fit into the governance system. May be he was not able to comprehend logically. Then one interruption came and he had to leave the room.

The kind of strategic discussion/response I was expecting did not happen. I am not even sure Sarba da got the inherent nobleness of the idea. He is like a statesman, he never goes to operational nitty grittis. But Tasa Da was positive and he promised to take this forward. Nevertheless, we decided to incorporate Sarba Da's ideas in our next draft.

One thing really bothered me after the meeting- are we giving the impression of group of techie guys want to develop some IT tools for the CM? The Oxford /Public Policy bit was completely missing. Positioning of the human resources in an innovative proposals is a big challenge.

For the last three days, four of us have been busy in finalising next draft of our proposal. We distributed the sectors mentioned in BJP’s vision document amongst ourselves and tried to categorise every promise into short term(within 100 days), medium term(up to 3 years) and long term( up to 10 years). This would give the impression that what we are talking in our proposal is actually based on BJP's vision document. We would also suggest a few objectives to target in first 100 days.

It is 5-45 PM now. My earlier assumption that BJP might not even come to power in Assam has been proved wrong. BJP has won 41 seats and leading in 20, whereas its partner AGP and BPF are winning+leading in total 14 and 12 seats respectively. The future is clear for BJP now, but not yet for us and our proposal.

Tasa Da lost and that's a bad news for us. One big setback is for Badaruddin Ajmal and that loss has made most Assamese happy today. 80% of my Facebook friends have given updates about Ajmal's loss, not about BJP's win. And, it is noteworthy to mention that the man of the match is obviously Mr. Himanta Biswa Sarma. 

The four of us have a conference call in evening. Himalay is travelling to Guwahati tomorrow to check any possibilities of meeting anyone. 

The coming days would be crucial. May God bless us! We have only good intent to serve our motherland and make Assam one of the most progressive states in India.

Do you wonder what will I get-------------------- Happiness !

Four evolving thoughts

1. Fancy v/s Reality

Oxford, McKinsey, film based on one’s life are very fancy concepts. Naturally, people also expect those ‘concerned’ people to do fancy stuff in day-to-day life, not really knowing the definition of fanciness. Many alumnus are asked this question- being an Oxford alumni, why are you doing this? You should be running a country or a corporation, or working with grass-root people bringing a ‘revolution’ for God’s sake.

The response probably lies in the fact that fancy things should be able to provide you the bread to eat. For people belonging to the lower middle class strata, it is very difficult to run after the fanciness without bothering for daily living expenses. You can try for a year (at max), but eventually you have to succumb to the reality.

Another perspective- for 99% people, fancy thing does not happen overnight; one has to slog for years. Now, what one should do during that slogging/preparation period, will be decided by her needs, as well as the interests. Aligning the present work with the future goal in terms of work domain or geographical location are some options people usually adopt.

Philosophizing...

2. The ear phone plugged today's generation

What is the significance of putting ear phones/listening to songs when someone is travelling, walking or even thinking? In this ruthless and self-centric world, what one needs is a bit of recognition and compassion. But in a crowded metro or while walking in a street with thousand others, it is nearly impossible that one will meet an acquaintance every day who will show compassion or even a gentle smile. What she will get in stead, the alarming horns, slang words, stupidity of fellow countrymen, poverty-ridden cries of hungry children. These realities are big turn-offs when someone is trying to start a day afresh.
What's the solution then? Make yourself forget the world outside. Create an environment which is controlled by you exclusively. Direct Konika Kapoor to sing after Arijit Singh to play his best number, or listen to a calm music sent by your beloved one. "Ohh, the world is nice, full of beautiful people and I promise that I will also contribute in some ways to make the world better".

3. How smart people like Jairam Ramesh, P Chidambaram or Shashi Tharoor act like a puppet of Rahul Gandhi? Don’t they have self respect?

No person, no political party or corporation, in fact nothing is perfect in this world. The truth is that the definition of perfection is also a relative concept. So, whenever somebody is criticising a person like Rahul Gandhi, she is either in ‘only criticise, do nothing’ mode or in a perfect utopian imagination, which never exists. But if you are a doer, your eyes will be fixed on the final goal; Rahul Gandhi can only be your facilitating medium since he can be best used in that manner.

Of course, there is subtle difference between becoming a puppet (might not be a right word in this context) without any criminal record, but with honesty, compared to that of criminals like Sanjay Singh or Pappu Yadav.

There is another issue: although you are a ‘good puppet’, you have to shake your hands with ‘bad puppets’ already exist in the system. One argument of creating a mental acceptability about ‘bad people’ in a political system, is the definition of democracy. If you argue for giving equal opportunity for non-literates or primary school drop-outs (in 90% cases, these categories will be waste products), why can’t you support the existence of an accused (who is not charge sheeted or given acquittal)? Further argument on this point will lead to the efficiency of our judiciary system, which is again a prominent pillar of India’s ‘thriving’ democracy.

4. Understanding government's thinking

Suppose you are buying a book online. After comparing prices in both Flipkart and Amazon, you find a better deal in Flipkart and went for it. As a smart consumer, you become happy. Simple enough?
But governments can't afford to be that simple. It has to take care of the desi v/s bidesi sentiment, consumer's interest, employment issues, promoting indigenous industries and many others. Many times, government spends money to build an ecosystem  which will be used a generation later or to develop some sub-standard products just to engage people. This is a completely different perspective from a private entity point of view, where every money spent should bring a return.
This is an awesome thought in order to understand and appreciate the philosophy of governance. Continuing with this logic, governments are not here to make profits or do business (eg- Air India, Steel industry etc).
In this way, understanding the basic philosophy really helps answer many complex questions. Whenever you are in doubt, go to the basics. For example, if you are running an organization and have not been able to decide between two options, go and read through the vision and values of your organization. But I must mention, the complexity (particularly for government organizations) makes the execution of a solution difficult most times.

When you meet an unwanted person - 12nd April 2016

So, something amazing happened on 12nd April. In fact, I planned for long to make that happen. I felt good that my last one-month effort eventually yielded the desired result. But there were reasons to be sad as well.

Do you remember the National Project Manager role of UNDP, the talk with the MP Kamakhya Tasa etc? The grudge against UNDP had always been there. Maybe that is a reason why I want to know more about them; maybe to find something bad and comfort myself. After writing the volunteering blog, I emailed to UNV people and also posted on their Facebook page via Kamal’s account. The apparent result was quick when Narendra Mishra commented, but I was expecting a concrete conversation.

Then Digital India youth affairs role came to my rescue. I made the first phone call and scheduled the first meeting in the name of exploring opportunities for collaboration, of course, after convincing my supervisors. The first meeting happened at UNDP office where I deliberately brought the topic of “Strengthening NYKS and NSS” project. And, finally on 12 April, I got the invitation for a meeting with the project team, and guess what, from the National Project Manager herself.

Things that are keeping me busy-
Second phase of house construction

I was excited. I had to pre-pone the meeting so that I myself can attend before going home for bihu. I wanted to see who has been recruited, and probably wanted to compare with myself. After the Twitter fiasco, though sad, I was quite appreciative of Twitter’s choice. But based on the worldwide poor feedback on UNDP recruitment, I was apprehensive.

And, I was right. A totally unimpressive, little older then my age, non-approachable lady welcomed us. In fact, welcome would be wrong word, because, when I found her desk inside the chaotic, dark and gloomy building of NYKS, she looked totally lost.

Let me not write further details how she served us tea, steered the discussion – all crap! I was mostly silent during the whole meeting except asking a few irrelevant questions just to understand the IQ  and EQ level of that lady.

My takeaway- there is no concept called equal opportunity. The world is not a plain level playing field , it is uneven with unequal opportunity. Somebody calls this luck factor as well. Hence, there is no reason to question your ability after a failure; You fail not because of your fault, rather that was the call of time.

On positive side, meeting that lady gives me the confidence that I can do anything. I think I am at such a point of my career/life, where any damn assignment is doable for me.  In fact, if I don’t accept, there is none. It gives me a strong feeling of being responsible. 

The post-election big plan is ON. I believe I must go ahead with that. To fuel me up, suddenly Himalay Sharma episode has also happened. Though I doubt whether BJP will come to power, that shouldn’t matter.

Life is a cycle, isn't it?

This reminds me of the crap people in Microsoft as well. I have not still forgiven them. I am sure there will be opportunities of encounter in future. Will I still be playing the revenge card or will I collaborate with them (if necessity arises) for a nicer outcome? I don’t know—war between head and heart ?

Before ending this post, things that are keeping me busy—the starting of second phase of home construction (I am on home-bound flight writing this post), university workshop and VMS work at office, preparation for facing Delhi summer, IMO with Trishna and wait for the election result. See you soon!