Are you thinking of returning to Assam?

 Dear Zing,

I'm writing this letter to give you a context how multiple thought processes have gone into enabling you taking an important decision of relocating back to Assam at one point of time in your life (and probably die in the Ulupara graveyard peacefully). 

You must be thinking the biggest decisions of relocating back are the following. You are wrong. There are some other subtle points for which you must be prepared. But let me first write the bigger ones:

1) Money - you must ensure a fixed monthly income considering aspects such as health, children education, entertainment, altruism etc. There are two components - firstly a corpus with sufficient strength for the present and future; secondly, a recurring monthly income to handle operational expenses. Also, important to note the difference between retirement and relocation. You are no way going for retirement. You should be evaluating options such as working from home viz-a-viz other kind of jobs such as ARIAS. You surviving only on business/consultancy is something current Zing can't even imagine.

2) Purpose - this is the most important thing that will help you stay focused in case of distractions. Why are you trying to go back - is it to help your community? is it because you want a community/relative support system? is it because an Assamese song on the public transport system make you smile? is it because you feel you are better placed to create legacy if you are in Assam? is it because you will feel happy in general if you are in Assam? is it because your children will be taken care of by a support system if you be in Assam? is it because of health or climate? is it for a larger cause that is possible only being in Assam? is it for your family(wife, mother, sibling)? is it because you believe you have a thriving circle back in Assam? Or is it little bit of everything? 

In search of road-side land

As per Madat Da, whenever there will be distraction, this purpose will help you ignore things and bring new energy. Even if you can't find one purpose, start dwelling on multiple purposes. The continuation of the purpose(s) is a must if you relocate there. If establishing yourself as a writing is one of your purposes, you must pursue this everyday once you are there, although there might not be any return from that activity on daily life. Also, a purpose can be very selfish like ensuring your own peace of mind.

3) A decision backed by research and arsenals: Whatever decision you will take, that should be backed by research and homeward journey must be equipped with sufficient resources. Apart from thinking, talking with predecessor (Madat Da, Manash, Pranjal Da, Ranjeev Da etc), reading (just ordered 'Your life is what you make it'), writing (such as this blogpost), astrology (eg- visiting Anjali) etc are parts of concrete research. Some arsenals that present Zing is suggesting for you - a piece of roadside land, arranging a continuous income (maybe rent or book royalty), annual/monthly moneyback policy, knowledge on financial market, creating diversified investment portfolio, promoting any education start-up, expectation management with wife, start writing regularly/have book plan ready, a good intellectual circle in Assam, decision between Agia and Guwahati etc.

Now, let me come to the 'other' points or scenarios that are subtle, but you must be prepared to handle. 

1) Suppose you observe the workers of the Jal Jivan Mission are not doing a great job- will you complaint against them, even though the process is troublesome and your friends/relatives might be involved in the wrongdoing? Similarly, will you force the shop owners of the rented rooms of Agia JNM to pay the rent or vacate, by putting forward the cause of the school first, even at the cost of the livelihood possibilities of an acquittance? Also, will you take up such a step for your loved school, whose teachers and students are mostly oblivious of you and your noble objectives.

2) How will you handle the cases that of Kamal or Nivadita Rabha who needs job or money desperately? Running an NGO and asking for donation is definitely one way; but how much would that be sustainable? Are you comfortable in asking for money? Will you be able to keep up your altruism with the reduced connection and less income?

3) When you will take your children to drop at a school (considering a private school), how will you see the children going to a government schools with stitched uniform, maybe internally crying for equality and justice? Won't you find a reflection of 'young Manjit' in all of them? Are you ready to accept you have become an 'upper middleclass' kind of citizen at your own place? How would the people who know you from childhood accept you? More importantly, how would you treat them and your emotions in this interaction? 

4) Today I have to only manage time while deciding going for a domestic trip or dining in a restaurant. If your return leads to a day when you would have to say no to Dr. Anup Gogoi for a Brahmaputra ride or Sameeran for a Manah trip, or planning 2 national trips per year  due to budgetary constraint, will not you go back to the same cash-constrained childhood that you are scared of? 

5) How will you react when you will see a corrupted neighbor buying BMW at Agia? How about a good neighbor buy 3 flats in B'lore? How will you react to Alvaro writing a book on Coding being in a tech company? How will you react Somnath making a trip to the North-pole? How will you react Nina's friends posting photos of Europe trips every year? How will you react your friends from Guwahati having luxuries which you could have had by not shifting to Assam (also assuming shift leading to less income)? How will you react your friend publishing 3 books and 2 Youtube channels and you are far away from completing one book even after your relocation? 

6) Even after much preparation and research, there will be gaps that you will realize only after going back to Assam? How will you react then?

7) If something bad happens after relocation (health wise, financially, family turmoil, career progression etc), will you start blaming yourself?

8) Secretly in some corner of your heart, don't you wish to spend 1-2 year in a foreign country? What would happen to that dream? Tell me, why didn't you pursue that option ever in your life? Are you scared of your Oxford/Amsterdam experience? You have a family now. Will you take that repentance (if you feel strongly) to your grave? 

9) Remember how people reacted when you stayed at Agia post Oxford? I am sure you will agree that was the most useless period of your life, What wrong did you do then? How can you be sure that you are not repeating the same mistakes? 

10) You believe your close family members would be most happy if you return? Are you sure on that from all fronts? Aren't you the only option for them to plan an outing outside Assam?

11) Will you suffer from an intellectual vacuum if you decide to go back? How will you attend the book release prog of Koushik Basu or Amitabh Kant?

12) There will be many rich, famous, happy people? How are you different from them? Or the bigger question maybe- is there a necessity at all that you need to be different? Aren't this 'different' is related to creation of legacy?

13) Are you going to have friend/colleague like Swati (say) with whom the basic definitions of recreation and luxuries differ to such extent that basic comfort levels becomes difficult?

Chalo, you think. But I want to end the letter on a happy note that the Dudhnoi land has been finalized and application for NOC would be submitted to Circle office day after tomorrow.

Yours truly.

Zing (13 March, 2022)

Thought on structuring my life story writing

 This post has come for the below two reasons:

1) Since yesterday (Saraswati Puja), I have started two new things - a) tracking all the books (maybe articles later) I would read going forward, with a few important parameters; b) tracking all the creative outputs of Zing original (10 different types I have thought until now). I believe this two initiative will provide much useful inputs for writing an autobiography in future. To be honest, I am thinking to write 'positioning of a book titled Agia to Oxford in Assamese language' very soon. 

2) While searching for inputs for point 1(b) above, I stumbled upon an old write-up that I drafted after attending a life story writing workshop at Oxford. This includes a few approaches of writing an autobiography. Below is the draft without any modification:

Serious thought on structuring my life story writing:

Thoughts for my future writing, sitting on the life writing workshop on 31^st May, 2014:-

  i.      Approach life writing as different ways- chronological way, reverse chronological way, segmented stories with different themes and try to connect the themes etc

  ii.      The other way I thought about initiating a conversation. For example, when I met a new friend, things will start like ‘Hey, how did you end up here?’ Then, that was awesome journey, but how did you do that xxx etc . This way the conversation will lead you to different stories.

 iii.      One interesting way might be to list down the life events and then how you manage those repeated events at different times of your career.  But probably at the beginning, you must give a crisp timeline or chronology order so that people can get the holistic big picture.

 iv.      Read this, amazing: http://m.wikihow.com/Write-an-Autobiography. From the suggestions there, I am thinking in the same line. But what about the overarching theme or conflict in my life? Is it to come out of middle class mentality , or to challenge status quo, dare to dream

v. some interesting ways in my life maybe:

        A. How I first realise the power of perseverance, which is a mantra I believe now - the prize in triple jump competition    after securing fourth position and then trying for one long year before winning next year.

        B. what are the things I learnt from a failed 3-year long mission of MBA voyage- thinking life timeline as a story or trying to learn even from my own life, why failures are important in life, how to approach people without shame, what I really want to do in life etc.

        C. No biography can be true as mine as all are preserved in my diary.

Year review post - 2021

 Whenever I would think about 2021, only three things would vividly come out to memory- my marriage, Moina's marriage and the prolonged frustration at NSDC which finally led my exit. I can't remember much good/happier things in 2021 except the two marriages. Let me start with the three main highlights:

1) My marriage - The year started with the big bang marriage. Whenever I look at all the decisions such as selection of bride, the amount of efforts for 'doing extra', the help by family and friends, I really feel great, honored and indebted. The bullock cart, the bamboo decoration - I don't know from where I got so much energy. Everything, yes every little thing (including Covid's effect) went smoothly. I can't thank God enough for blessing me on this. I believe I will cherish this memory until my death with the same emotion I wrote above. 

Then the new life started with Nina (Nijara Nath). There has been no major conflict with her in last one year (except time management related and one of immaturity for which she regretted). However our efforts didn't yield much result as both of us don't belong to the 'lucky' genre. Her applications for the creative economy fellowship and the way we both made to sound stupid by the British Council was appalling. In my long MBA/MPP application process such incident never happened. On 23 Sept, when we finally decided to put the escalation emails on hold, we went to BBQ to share our grief. Then the professor in German Chancellor fellowship gave us some hope;  we did many things including shooting yoga vs Sattriya comparison video, meeting several people, buying e-book online. Unfortunately, this did not lead to success. Her engagement with Media SSC brought new confidence into our lives. She getting the opportunity of solo performance at Nrittyaparva was the biggest good news on her career front. However, it required 1.5 month preparation phase that started just the day after we celebrated Diwali by decorating the whole house, first for me. My sudden trip to watch Nina’s performance was the great thing I did last year. That trip would be memorable. I would fondly remember the people we hosted and visited for dinner (Eg- CR, Mamu, Somnath, Dibyo Da etc), watching the Amazon Prime series (Family Man, Tandav, Pataalok etc), our continuous fight against the mosquitos and ants of Dwarka, never ending (and somewhat failed) attempts to attract students at Dwarka for Sattriya, and finally the investment we made in Assam Healthcare Collaborative (franchise of Thyrocare) in Nina's name. Yes, not to forget, my first stay at Nichinta gaon.

2) Moina's marriage: At times, I thought both my and Moina's marriages could happen on the same day. When I was doing Sualkuchi shopping last year, things were purchased for both of us; the furniture were ordered that time itself (which unfortunately had bitter stories that is continuing still). After my marriage, things went to silence. Except Maa mentioning this a few times, there was no discussion or signal of her marriage.

I considered this as one big liability item for all of us. On Sept 12, I wrote praying for Moina’s engagement as some phone calls had started happening. The first step was for the groom's side to invite the bride's family. On 15 Sept, we got the invite to visit their home and on 22 Sept the marriage date is decided to be 13 Dec. That was fantastic. On Moina's insistence, the engagement happened on 15 Oct, again on the Dasami day. I and Nina reached the day before. Post engagement, the preparation of food, tent, all mainly steered by Dada and Maa; I was on phone on some occasions. The outdoor decoration brought some tension as everyone would expect this to be different, particularly after my experiment with bamboo. My contact through Pranay Da, Shri Dalim Kalita did full justice to the same. The jewelry shopping was done with me and I gifted Tapan's gold chain. I bought new suit, the second one in my life. My first visit to Tapan's house and the tears in Moina's eye pained me a lot. She is my little sister and I am committed for her wellbeing throughout my life. Sending off Moina through marriage is a big event of my life. During 'bidai', I cried, and cried, and cried, uncontrollably. She was the most important woman in my life after Maa before Nina came in, and she would continue to be. By the way, the marriage just sneaked its way between Covid's second and third wave.

 3) Toxicity at NSDC with MSP's irrationality: As I start writing this section, I am trying to think which was worse- the toxicity of the company or the irrationality of manager. I have started writing about the manager from February itself, just after I rejoined office post covid cum marriage break. The weekend SMG reports, exclusion of my name from all NE visits(this year Sikkim), keeping me out of big meetings and decisions, the inability of MSP to say NO to work irked me (also everyone else). Then starts the launch of Customized Covid Crash Course (C4W) amidst the Covid second wave.

The last day click at smoking zone

The workload doubled for everyone. From June onwards the office situation deteriorated, frustration went to peak. I kept complaining about the job and manager almost all pages of diary. Although there was one good news in terms of payment of variable pay of last year, the other resources at office were totally demoralized due to the huge (and unsatisfactory, random) workload without any hike for last two years. Then comes the pathetic/insulting hike (2-5%) and out of turn promotions to make things worst. The promotion of MSP and the poor rating for the team did not go hand in hand. I was surprised to find my 'meets expectation' rating, while I was almost certain of Star or High performance based on discussion with MSP. All of us wished the status quo were better than this pathetic hike. The adhoc nature of work increased with Vandana ma'am directly giving work and stupid asks by MSDE post the most awaited re-organization of NSDC. I still think whether I would be better off in another team (like Jainkant, with Aakarshan??). Then started the big resignation drives and the normal office conversation turned into completely negative. There was no iota of positivity in any teams, people were upset with leadership of COO. In my team, I was somehow trying to uphold the positive energy of the team. However, MSP’s insensitivity of not giving leave on Moina’s engagement and the feeling of ‘jealousy’ he felt while giving me leaves for 2 weeks for Moina's marriage upset me and reminded me how soldiers are treated by Army officers while seeking leaves for which they are entitled. Additionally,  the new promotion rule that states a person has to be minimum High rater for last two consecutive years shut down possibility of any growth at NSDC. There were many days I lost my cool at office; the colleagues gave that feedback to me later. After many unsuccessful attempts, how EdCast happened, I have already written in a separate post. I was the happiest person to resign from NSDC on 3 Dec, just one day before I land in Guwahati for Moina's marriage. 

In the first part of the post I wrote about the three main events that dominated last year from a future Manjit's perspective. Before writing the other sections that I always write in year review blog, I want to make a mention of two events.

A) Failed Attempt – As I already stated above, there are multiple failures in 2021 that broke my morale and confidence several times. I just want to mention a few:

1)      Buying a roadside land was something that I tried the whole year without success. I think serious effort started when  I and Arup went to Prithiraj’s home during the Bihu cum 2^nd lockdown visit. In case of the agri land near Makri train station, I went with Nayan Da, hold subsequent discussion with Ullas bhaiya for the prospect of the station etc. The most interesting/closest one was with Aktar, the land near the NRL petrol pump. The discussion took place in Sept, continued till October when I visited myself, contacted advocate Nayandeep Da for the agreement. I even readied all my net Fidelity money of Microsoft Shares to fund the deal. Finally I put a full-stop on 17 Oct, when I kept waiting at the spot and the guy did not turn up even on that day and stopped receiving our calls. In summary, I could not purchase the land, but generated wealth of knowledge on Dharitri, NHIDCL land procurement and acquisition policy, how RSS is preventing Muslims from buying land etc. 

2)     My attempt to work with the CM-Assam again reignited with HBS becoming the CM after the high voltage drama between him and Sarba post the Assembly election result. In fact, I came under pressure from multiple sides to go to HBS, talk and do something. I discussed  this with many people as last attempt yielded pathetic result. After making the initial attempts via email (first on 14 May), I got the chance to meet him in person while visiting Smt Birubala Rabha. In the subsequent steps Bhiaitda, Sameeran, Rahul Bhini, Moina, Dada helped a lot, but no result. I am specially thankful to Sameeran for his continuous push. What I heard, HBS does not want people of my tribe under any circumstances.

3)      Nina’s applications and the failure associated with that attempt were very frustrating.

4)      The multiple failures in job applications prompted me writing 2-3 blogs last year. Failure of UNICEF and the Tata Trust after interview, the attempt with PWC conversation, the Vedanta thing-- nothing worked.  The most awkward was trying to go back to NeGD- OMG! They made me realize I get so much high salary, why 15 years of work-ex is the most desirable thing to have etc. I struggled with my conscious for taking the decision of choosing the worse between worst options.

B) The second wave of Covid-  I thank God that I and Nina were not in Delhi during the horror of 2nd wave of Covid-19. While I was at home with comfortable safety net, trying to maximize my time, people were dying all over. I realized the importance of feeling safe, importance of the support ecosystem. The deteriorating condition of Shobhit and the unfortunate demise was an eye opener. Mukuta Ba’s lost and consequences of the event are unimaginable. I remember the craziness for getting the vaccine, the repeated attempt for booking slot, the help from Nabajyoti, the shout for helps in social media and whatsapp group, the line of dead bodies. I just hope things don't turn into that level ever. 

Regular/new sections:

1) New/unique things done – doing facial, getting married, convincing all Xomidhan members to contribute 500/- each, stitching pant with tailor at Mahipalpur, getting involved in the election effort of Jahid Da and Bhaiti Da, doing paragliding and zipline, gifting TV to Nichinta, participating in the ILO MOOC, the Jal Jivan Mission investment, changing profile photo on Facebook, unending rain of Delhi was surprising (Airport T3 got flooded), the efforts went into NE Civil Service Academy.

2) People:

a.       Of much significance – Nischal, the trio (Tarulata, Namita, Bobita), Vedika of E&Y, Mozammil video editor, Kalpana house maid, Aakarshan

b.       Left us- Bou’s father, Rajashri bhindeu, Shobhit, Homen Borgohain Sir (12 May)

c.       New: Bhabananda Borbayan, Dibakar’s wife, Pompi, Dibyo ata, Gudiya, Pritam,  Kapoor electrician, Malti Devi, Hiranya, Dhiraj Rhodes Rabha, Swapna

d.       Renewed – Gaurav Jain, Dibakar, Anubha, Prakhar, Dibyo Da, Ullas Da, Arjun Khanna, Amit Jain,  Jyoti Deka, Bibhuti Ranjan Bhattacharjya

3) Important Dates – 17- 20 Jan (biya), 28 Jan (first dinner at in-Laws), 1 Feb (end of Lockdown stay, first separation from wife), 13 Feb (finalized Dwarka flat for rent), 16 Feb (Nina’s welcome and Dipak’s scooty), 27 Feb (shifting day), 13 March (health check-up), 26- 29 March (Honeymoon trip), 11 May (first vaccine), 22 May(visit to Hahdoba, Holdonga river with Nina), 29 May(with Dibakar at Urpad Beel), 12 June(Baguan visit and Jairam Da’s prophecy), 18 June ( the Big C4W launch), 19 June (second dose), 11 July(back to Dwarka),  21 Aug (hosted Sumo and gang), 25 Aug (the NSDC townhall), 27Aug (appraisal result), 29 Aug (all hard disk data recovered), 5 Sept(Car discussion with Kailash), 7 Sep (NSDC Org Restructuring email), 9 Sep (long negotiation for Aktar’s land), 15 Sept (Nina’s offer letter & Tapan family’s invite), 29 Sep (Taj mahal), 12 Oct (Secretary’s bashing to me and Aakarshan), 29 Oct (watching 'no time to die' in empty hall), 31 Oct (Arjun referring to EdCast, CM Patowari calling), 22 Nov (removal of Jaikant, Kousik), 2 Dec (offer letter), Moina's marriage days.

With Nina at Tukreswari mandir

4) Visits- Mainly two - 1) the first honeymoon trip to Manali, 2) visit of Maa and Deuta (25 sept – 3 Oct) and our visit to Tajmahal, Vrindaban etc. In small visits from Delhi - visiting a poetry session at Dwarka, Hathras visit on 25 Nov, my last monitoring visit from NSDC. However, there were 4 home visits last year which included nearby visits such as Bongai, Manikpur, Duck mangsho treat at Kamal’s place and so on.

5) Ahha moment – data retrieval of hard disk, the first night with wife, getting expected designation and salary at EdCast, solving the llyod bank internet banking phone number issue. 

6) Writing and reading – Article for Mukuta ba's father, Xomidhan’s book article, read জীৱনৰ পৰা কি শিকিলো, ইচ্ছা-অনিচ্ছা সত্ত্বেও কিছু কথা

7) Health- Largely went fine except during the visit of Maa -deuta which impacted our travel plans. During Moina's marriage I got RCT done in one tooth by Hiranya. The BP was under control with medicine on most parts of the year. Nina had multiple health issues, although minor. 

Today is 23 Jan. As I am wrapping up the year review for 2021, I have a strong feeling 2022 is not going to have a smooth ride either. Sincere prayer to God for আশীৰ্বাদ.

Going back to Private industry/Technology

There is a big decision-making event. I decided to step down from NSDC. It involves prolonged effort, lot of failures, intense frustration that had led to cry out loud at office out of anguish, lot of large & small decisions, continuation of previous career trend, management of expectation at multiple levels, aligning goals as per career aspiration (in fact, redefining career goal, again), sleeping ambition to become rich and more techie and so on. Although it was easier than marriage decision, it is highly complex and impactful.

[I am sitting at the airport (4-50 AM, 4 Dec’21) thinking how to structure this post as I have many things to write. Let me start with some big highlights of this decision from the perspective of life]

Highlights:

1) Serious job search usually takes 9-12 months for me. As time progresses, this period gets intense, super frustrating causing reduction of confidence and negatively impacting mental wellbeing. Even if I consider UNDP interview post marriage as the starting point, you can see that I have wasted almost a year in this effort.

2) I am back to private for-profit sector again after exactly a decade. The fantasy and romanticization of changing the world ‘only through government’ is gone. The emotion ‘I could have tried’ will not pop-up, and I am happy spending a decade here.

3) The B-Tech Computer Science has returned to play the prominent role once again. This is enhanced by latest cutting-edge technology. Internally also, I am falling in love again with technology.

4) Designation and salary are reaching a level which I only dreamt a few years back.

How this all happened: 

It was 30 Oct, 2021, Saturday. NSDC had completely become toxic. The unwilling attempt fueled by energetic Amit Jain to join back Digital India Corporation was not heading anywhere and calling up Nayak ji was left the only option. The hesitance to pay salary, the inside culture of NeGD were making me cry in anguish to take any steps of return; but I had to deal with equally bad, if not worst, choice of continuing with NSDC. I called up Nayak ji, he cut the call. Somehow that was the wake up call for me to look within my network and see how connections maybe leveraged for job hunt. Among 6 emails and LinkedIN messages I sent on that day, one was sent to Mr. Arjun Khanna, the Senior Head at NSDC who hired me 3.5 years back. He is now in a company named EdCast (never heard of this) and putting several posts to hire resources.

He called up, read my resume and informed I am the good fit. He forwarded my 'cover email' to HR recommending for Head- MKP position. This all happened on the same day.

Then I received a call from HR (Prakriti Gupta) asking basic details on 1 Nov. Then there is silence of another week. I pinged Arjun on 9 Nov and HR scheduled the first round interview with Arjun on 10 Nov, which I attended from office itself over Google talk. It went well and Arjun asked me to earn a badge at Future Skill Prime before facing the next rounds. I did earn a badge, which, unfortunately, took almost a month to reflect in my profile. 

The next round was scheduled on 16 Nov at 10-30 PM IST with Sameer Andrews (India) and Bhaven Shah (US). The waiting period of the six days was intense as I was alone at home and I had to make a decision of sudden home visit to witness the first ever stage performance of Nina post marriage. The interview went well. After 4 hours of the interview, I took a flight home telling some emergency at office. The result was confirmed to me when I called up Prakriti in front of City Centre mall three days later. The news prompted me buy another piece of Blackberry suit for Moina's marriage.

The next round was with Nishchae Suri, president of Edcast- Asia on 24 Nov 1-00 PM. From different posts and videos of Nishchae, I was able to get most of his thought process for lifelong learning and for EdCast. I was also trying to judge his relationship with Arjun as both of them studied in the same Doon School and worked in HR domain. From the middle of the interview, he started giving positive signal where he started discussing the issues he is facing in current market. I was positive at the end of the interview. 

For the next round with Karl Mehta, the CEO who is based out of California, HR asked me to submit a convenient time window for sudden telephonic call. I gave timing between 7 AM IST and 10 PM IST. For next 4-5 days, I am on constant alert mode for a possible conversation with the famous man. Like in other round, I took Arjun's feedback as part of preparation. But the call never came.

On 29 Nov, HR sent me an email asking compensation details. There was still confusion whether Karl has already called or will call in future; but Arjun told offline that Karl is impressed with my resume and gave confirmation without interview. In the expected compensation, I wrote 36 lakh as my expected salary just because it was matching a round figure hike of 40%. Although I submitted three point arguments for quoting that expectation, I was mentally praying for crossing/touching 33 Lakh, the magical number which I remembered for long as Akash's Indian equivalent starting salary while moving to US as Microsoft employee.

Then silence of 2 days. Prakriti did give a call asking whether I am fixed on the expected salary. I can't remember what I said. I did remember mentioning about the designation thing where I politely asked whether Head can be replaced by VP. However, prolonged silence from their side made me think I should have signaled more flexible approach on salary. What if they simply think rejecting this over ambitious lad? My 2-week long chutti was supposed to be started since 4 Dec. I wanted to put resignation before leaving for Moina's marriage. 

The expected email came on 2nd evening and I saw just after reaching home (I kept checking emails every hour in mobile). To my utter surprise, they provided the designation- "Vice President - Marketplace" and salary is 36 lakh with no variable component. I could not have asked anything more. I thanked God for making the 'end' better, again. I called up Nina, Maa, Dada, Moina, maa-deuta of Nichinta, and texted Arjun.

Things followed smoothly after that. The resignation email was fired on the morning hours after having a brief telephonic call with MSP as he was on leave. Then I organized a team meeting to announce the same. All were awe stuck as nobody had any clue of the year long mental fight I was going through. My vacation started from the next day. I requested for 31 December to be the last date. MSP recommended my notice period (which is usually 2 months) waiver and COO also approved. As I am publishing this post today (29 Dec), I have only 2 days left at NSDC. I am excited !!

The unsuccessful attempts in between:

1. Amazon - Applied 3 times for Senior Manager (Public Policy) role, directly, through Tantrik and lastly through Ankush. They didn't bother to respond a single email, leave alone inviting for interview. 

2. Facebook - Applied twice for Public Policy manager role; for the one applied through Nicolas got a rejection via email

3. Google - Applied through Akash's reference for public policy role; but he could not make the Bhattacharjya lady respond to his email. I emailed the public policy head- no response.

4. HSBC - Applied for public policy role; no response.

5. PWC - Applied for Govt advisory through Moina via her partner; no response.

6. Spotify - Applied for public policy role with Blavatnik sentiment; no response.

7. Save The Children - Applied for Deputy Director- Programme Managment, Delhi through Swati via employee reference option; no response.

8. NITI Aayog - Applied for Consultant Gr-II (Skill Development); no response.

9. UNICEF - Applied for the role - Consultant Education (YuWaah). Interviewed, but no response post interview even after multiple follow-ups.

10. Tata Sons - Applied for the role- DGM -Volunteering. Interviewed, built empires of dreams, then rejected.

11. Digital India Corporation - Applied on the insistence of Amit. Interviewed. Amit informed my offer letter is ready, but it seems my salary is an issue; no letter is received until today though

12. EdCast - The story is above.

Bad career time coming in circles again - why ???

(Started writing this post on12 Oct, contributed a few lines on 29 Oct and finally finishing today on 6 Nov in Diwali weekend)

The situation has worsen at office to the worst possible level. Surrounded by huge piles of work, I am writing this just to understand what has made me feel like crying (again). Am I weak, can't I foresee career issues? Why bad career time keep coming in circles to my life. For God's sake, I have grown into a mid-senior level professional. Still, I have not been able to manage my temper during bad days, set my expectation correctly and so on. Earlier I used to think- by the time I will turn ~40, I would be very much efficient, networked very well, would do only the things I love etc. But no, I still have not matured, I am still evolving. And with this pace, my biggest worry now, I will remain like this my entire life. 

This post is about analyzing some facts/scenario that contributes huge chunk to my present frustration.

a) Having some bad, very bad boils in the team. One bad boil can make you suffer like hell. Excuses like woman, mother are super irritating. Above all, when your boss is directly managing them, the reportees don't give a damn to the direct manager. More than your own personality, they oppose you just for the fact that they have direct access to the skip level manager. This is very demotivating. Good reportees are those who reduces stress of boss (got a nice article on this - https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/why-your-most-valuable-employee-is-often-invisible-employee.html)

b) Overall negative atmosphere, although seems neutral factor in bird's eye view, impacts the employee moral after a specific time period. The major contributors for negative atmosphere are non-inspiring leadership, drastic policy or organization structure change, rewarding incompetent employees, directionless work distribution etc. When the attrition rate is scaling new heights and everyday you are discussing some or other employees leaving the organization, the remaining employees feel like most useless losers. 

c) An 'army' manager, or a manager with defense background is only expected to give and follow orders. Although you will be impressed by his discipline and non-partisan behaviour, after a certain period, you would need growth, new learning, some sensitivity or empathy. I am suffering on this big time. When you say you are feeling restless due to huge workload, he will say work on weekends. He has become a dumping ground of work by leadership as he can slog long hours and make the team slog without asking anything (forget promotion, not even a 'good work' email or compensatory leave) in return. I kept forgiving him for the discipline he has shown, but realize this is a trait more beneficial for his manager , not for his reportees. 

d) Just too much work, and that too adhoc, non interesting random works. You can't even concentrate for 30 min, something new will come. Every time the phone rings during weekend, I wish it should not be an office call. You simply can't continue like this forever. Also, the nature of work is another worrisome trend. The manual labour, repeating the same information in different formats, and attending to the shitty moods of the ministry officers. Above all, this completely make you run out of own time to invest on yourselves and on your personal priorities. 

e) My self confident has touched rock bottom with the kind of team, company and the type of work I am doing. Being 'deputy' to someone who can't give you exposure is a terrible thing. My image has been painted accordingly since I am part of no important meetings and events. However, I need to compile the responses discussed in a meeting, although I was not part of that meeting. Can you imagine how pathetic that can be? I am trying to remember what I have done in last 1-2 years I am really proud of, something that tested my skill and patience. Other than handling shitty people, I can't think of any.

Now the important question is - since when I have started noticing this? As soon as the first lockdown ends (Jan-2021), I started hunting for job seriously. However, I did not feel the fire on the ass until the result of appraisal comes (Aug-2021). I would consider the period between the two events would be most ideal for job hunt. Now, I am in desperate mode and I am likely to commit mistake out of frustration. 

Why I could not ink a job in the desired period? Was I complacent? Wasn't I able to comprehend the tough days ahead? I need to introspect more on this.

What should I do to ensure these days don't come to my life in future ( maybe the urgent ask now is to get out of these shit for sure). I have no answer. Maybe once I get something, I should reflect again and write more. 

Recording the bad time thoughts

I am writing this to record my emotion after the performance appraisal fiasco of FY 2019-20 and FY2020-21. After the worst rating at Microsoft, this is first time when an unexpected rating has come. I was given ‘Meets expectation’ with 2.25% hike, which is insane. This has affected the ex-gratia for FY2019-20 and the incremented value post FY2020-21.

People has been expecting this for last 2 years, and more so in last 2 months. There was no doubt that the hike percentage will be minimal. Based on my conversation with MSP, I was doodling between Star and High performers. The rating came as a slap.

At team level, situation is pathetic as well. Payal, Himanshi, Monu, Shalini, Zimik – all were Meet expectation. Nitin was denied promotion this year as well. I feel so sad and cheated as the team worked fantastically. In fact, during the Covid period, our team only worked day and night. And my manager’s promotion as Senior Head is a testimony to the wonderful work the team did.

Yes, MSP got promoted with a sub-standard team like ours -:)

After coming from office, I was talking with Nina on the promotion list when Payal called to tell her rating. After consoling her when I saw mine, I was shocked- it was unexpected. I messaged MSP, he replied in his own old style – I am not aware. Stupid! In last 4 years, not a single person from MSP’s team got promotion. Is this normal? He should introspect.

I explained Nina what happened in Microsoft, how I went out of office and went for a movie. I explained how the scene of a warrior cutting the womb of his wife to take out his child calmed my sorrow that day. I was so young and that was a tight slap on my confidence. Today’s situation is much better.

We both decided to go out to have dinner. First BBQ, and then settled for less. Had nice Afghani chicken outside with Roomali roti. We talked until midnight.

What pains me the most is all my waiting and alternate plans are not working. Nina's career is not going anywhere, mine is stuck, Bou's career is not getting opened. This struggle, the effort to prove ourselves - how much left?? I am tired of all these. When can I affirm with confidence that I am someone, my family is something. Small facts such as not buying car, non-existence of a mirror are hounding me badly. My judgements and aspirations are coming to be all wrong.

PS: Below is the letter I wrote- 

Dear Gurpreet and HR team,

I am writing this email to express my dissatisfaction over my performance rating and request for a revisit. I devoted the yesterday analyzing whether this email would be an outcome of my emotional outburst due to ‘normal human aspiration’. I realized, by not expressing my dissatisfaction I will do injustice to my work ethics, the brilliant efforts put by my team amidst pandemic and the value system of NSDC that higher management is so keen to promote.

I just want to mention two points that happed in the review period:

a.       Recognition of Prior Learning (RPL) became the biggest component of PMKVY2.0; nobody could have imagined that RPL implementation would be so huge when the scheme was launched.

b.       During the pandemic period, our team kept working without any ‘slowness’, bringing revenues for NSDC by running 3 schemes in parallel- PMKVY2.0, GKRA and launch of PMKVY3.0 (recently, Covid Crash course)

As I am writing this, several points are coming to my mind, such as absolute vs relative benchmarking for rating, the exceptional performance of my 19 colleagues who have been promoted, the value system of NSDC, the thrust on the horizontal support functions vs revenue generating verticals, the role of direct manager in final rating etc. However, I don’t want to prolong this email since, without a confirmed revisit it doesn’t make sense for me to put forward arguments supporting my appeal.

Please let me what you think of my request and how you propose to take this forward. Please consult with my direct manager and cluster head who are aware of my efforts before you revert on my email.

 

First birthday as married man

Turning 37. First birthday after marriage, second birthday with wife, third birthday in Delhi and fourth birthday at NSDC. 

I am ‘trying to believe’ this birthday as a milestone after Jairam Da’s prophecy at Baguan that my days will start turning green post July. It is not that I am in a desperate situation; but even the non-ambitious zing will admit these are not good days. 

Joy of having creative wife

There are mainly two issues – firstly my work at office. The non-stop ‘Customized Covid Crash Course’ work has made everyone sick of the job. There is no increment/bonus for last two years, learning curve is almost nil; in summary, there is no reason to continue in NSDC. However, the outside world is still recovering from Covid-19 and job market is still opening up. Although I have applied for couple of positions, except the UNICEF and Tata Trusts nobody bothered interviewing me. The meeting with Himanta Biswa Sarma and subsequent ‘hope’ is an uncertain base to rely on. I have nothing to look forward to at present. This has badly affected my future planning such as buying a car, writing any piece and other household stuffs, kind of devotion I must sow at work etc.

Second one is the uncertainty of wife’s future course of action. Covid has directly impacted performing artists with absolutely nothing on plate. Her applications for the creative economy fellowship is one factor. If not, what will she do? Should she go back to MBA kind of career? Her non-earning is seriously hampering the confidence level of both of us. Serious planning such as children, model of new car are stuck because of her status quo.

Do you know the ideal scenario (earlier I thought ideal scenario should remain unpublished, otherwise God will come to know about the secret wish and he will deny)- Nina going for her study and I going back to Assam to join HBS’s team.

At Nehru place, ISKCON temple

The day went well. Since there is another person to talk to, lot of talks and discussion such as how I am feeling, what's the change before and after marriage, why this day has a significance etc. Nina also gifted me a book - Karma.

The day started at 00-00 hours when Nina woke me up to cut 2 cakes prepared by her. I was half-sleep, after doing the activity, I went back to sleep again. In the morning, we were about to leave home for the ISKCON temple at Nehru Place, MSP called to wish and asked to setup a meeting to discuss Vandana's one email. I accepted this 'unexpected despair' with a smile as I was adamant on not turning the day bad. Then, just before entering the temple, Vandana ma'am asked for data. I provided by managing through people. 

The kirtan at the temple calmed us down. We took lunch at the Govinda restaurant- veg food, but quite delicious. While coming back, we came to central secretariat and then took autorickshaw to Shivaji stadium metro. The evening wasnat home before going for sabji shopping at the night market. Anjali checked Nina's hand and again told waiting period for next 2-3 months. All things are on waiting mode. 

Durgapur and NSDC people kept calling. Only these two groups know about the birthday thing, in addition to the close family people. 

I told God - it is not that I have not got anything and I am only complaining about everything. God has been kind with me. But this is sufficient for me being a normal person, which I don't want to be. A leap is due, I must move beyond a certain threshold. This elevation is not happening. I am trying from all fronts, still, it seems some energy is missing.