(Started writing this post on12 Oct, contributed a few lines on 29 Oct and finally finishing today on 6 Nov in Diwali weekend)
The situation has worsen at office to the worst possible level. Surrounded by huge piles of work, I am writing this just to understand what has made me feel like crying (again). Am I weak, can't I foresee career issues? Why bad career time keep coming in circles to my life. For God's sake, I have grown into a mid-senior level professional. Still, I have not been able to manage my temper during bad days, set my expectation correctly and so on. Earlier I used to think- by the time I will turn ~40, I would be very much efficient, networked very well, would do only the things I love etc. But no, I still have not matured, I am still evolving. And with this pace, my biggest worry now, I will remain like this my entire life.
This post is about analyzing some facts/scenario that contributes huge chunk to my present frustration.
a) Having some bad, very bad boils in the team. One bad boil can make you suffer like hell. Excuses like woman, mother are super irritating. Above all, when your boss is directly managing them, the reportees don't give a damn to the direct manager. More than your own personality, they oppose you just for the fact that they have direct access to the skip level manager. This is very demotivating. Good reportees are those who reduces stress of boss (got a nice article on this - https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/why-your-most-valuable-employee-is-often-invisible-employee.html)
b) Overall negative atmosphere, although seems neutral factor in bird's eye view, impacts the employee moral after a specific time period. The major contributors for negative atmosphere are non-inspiring leadership, drastic policy or organization structure change, rewarding incompetent employees, directionless work distribution etc. When the attrition rate is scaling new heights and everyday you are discussing some or other employees leaving the organization, the remaining employees feel like most useless losers.
c) An 'army' manager, or a manager with defense background is only expected to give and follow orders. Although you will be impressed by his discipline and non-partisan behaviour, after a certain period, you would need growth, new learning, some sensitivity or empathy. I am suffering on this big time. When you say you are feeling restless due to huge workload, he will say work on weekends. He has become a dumping ground of work by leadership as he can slog long hours and make the team slog without asking anything (forget promotion, not even a 'good work' email or compensatory leave) in return. I kept forgiving him for the discipline he has shown, but realize this is a trait more beneficial for his manager , not for his reportees.
d) Just too much work, and that too adhoc, non interesting random works. You can't even concentrate for 30 min, something new will come. Every time the phone rings during weekend, I wish it should not be an office call. You simply can't continue like this forever. Also, the nature of work is another worrisome trend. The manual labour, repeating the same information in different formats, and attending to the shitty moods of the ministry officers. Above all, this completely make you run out of own time to invest on yourselves and on your personal priorities.
e) My self confident has touched rock bottom with the kind of team, company and the type of work I am doing. Being 'deputy' to someone who can't give you exposure is a terrible thing. My image has been painted accordingly since I am part of no important meetings and events. However, I need to compile the responses discussed in a meeting, although I was not part of that meeting. Can you imagine how pathetic that can be? I am trying to remember what I have done in last 1-2 years I am really proud of, something that tested my skill and patience. Other than handling shitty people, I can't think of any.
Now the important question is - since when I have started noticing this? As soon as the first lockdown ends (Jan-2021), I started hunting for job seriously. However, I did not feel the fire on the ass until the result of appraisal comes (Aug-2021). I would consider the period between the two events would be most ideal for job hunt. Now, I am in desperate mode and I am likely to commit mistake out of frustration.
Why I could not ink a job in the desired period? Was I complacent? Wasn't I able to comprehend the tough days ahead? I need to introspect more on this.
What should I do to ensure these days don't come to my life in future ( maybe the urgent ask now is to get out of these shit for sure). I have no answer. Maybe once I get something, I should reflect again and write more.
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