Recording the bad time thoughts

I am writing this to record my emotion after the performance appraisal fiasco of FY 2019-20 and FY2020-21. After the worst rating at Microsoft, this is first time when an unexpected rating has come. I was given ‘Meets expectation’ with 2.25% hike, which is insane. This has affected the ex-gratia for FY2019-20 and the incremented value post FY2020-21.

People has been expecting this for last 2 years, and more so in last 2 months. There was no doubt that the hike percentage will be minimal. Based on my conversation with MSP, I was doodling between Star and High performers. The rating came as a slap.

At team level, situation is pathetic as well. Payal, Himanshi, Monu, Shalini, Zimik – all were Meet expectation. Nitin was denied promotion this year as well. I feel so sad and cheated as the team worked fantastically. In fact, during the Covid period, our team only worked day and night. And my manager’s promotion as Senior Head is a testimony to the wonderful work the team did.

Yes, MSP got promoted with a sub-standard team like ours -:)

After coming from office, I was talking with Nina on the promotion list when Payal called to tell her rating. After consoling her when I saw mine, I was shocked- it was unexpected. I messaged MSP, he replied in his own old style – I am not aware. Stupid! In last 4 years, not a single person from MSP’s team got promotion. Is this normal? He should introspect.

I explained Nina what happened in Microsoft, how I went out of office and went for a movie. I explained how the scene of a warrior cutting the womb of his wife to take out his child calmed my sorrow that day. I was so young and that was a tight slap on my confidence. Today’s situation is much better.

We both decided to go out to have dinner. First BBQ, and then settled for less. Had nice Afghani chicken outside with Roomali roti. We talked until midnight.

What pains me the most is all my waiting and alternate plans are not working. Nina's career is not going anywhere, mine is stuck, Bou's career is not getting opened. This struggle, the effort to prove ourselves - how much left?? I am tired of all these. When can I affirm with confidence that I am someone, my family is something. Small facts such as not buying car, non-existence of a mirror are hounding me badly. My judgements and aspirations are coming to be all wrong.

PS: Below is the letter I wrote- 

Dear Gurpreet and HR team,

I am writing this email to express my dissatisfaction over my performance rating and request for a revisit. I devoted the yesterday analyzing whether this email would be an outcome of my emotional outburst due to ‘normal human aspiration’. I realized, by not expressing my dissatisfaction I will do injustice to my work ethics, the brilliant efforts put by my team amidst pandemic and the value system of NSDC that higher management is so keen to promote.

I just want to mention two points that happed in the review period:

a.       Recognition of Prior Learning (RPL) became the biggest component of PMKVY2.0; nobody could have imagined that RPL implementation would be so huge when the scheme was launched.

b.       During the pandemic period, our team kept working without any ‘slowness’, bringing revenues for NSDC by running 3 schemes in parallel- PMKVY2.0, GKRA and launch of PMKVY3.0 (recently, Covid Crash course)

As I am writing this, several points are coming to my mind, such as absolute vs relative benchmarking for rating, the exceptional performance of my 19 colleagues who have been promoted, the value system of NSDC, the thrust on the horizontal support functions vs revenue generating verticals, the role of direct manager in final rating etc. However, I don’t want to prolong this email since, without a confirmed revisit it doesn’t make sense for me to put forward arguments supporting my appeal.

Please let me what you think of my request and how you propose to take this forward. Please consult with my direct manager and cluster head who are aware of my efforts before you revert on my email.