I have been in the process of (or may have already) demystifying two big bubbles of human life- bubble about job and marriage.
Let's first talk about job. What kind of job should be done by a person who has background of NIT, Microsoft, McKinsey, Oxford, government, non profit, entrepreneurship, volunteering, strong academic experience etc ? Something extraordinary, obviously! Some examples maybe adviser to CM or cabinet minister, hi-flying McKinsey manager, country head of any MNC or foundation, World Bank economist or UN project head, legislature, high profile director level guy of any startup or business house, an author, an activist? Certainly not a contractual consultant of a government agency. But what would the person accomplish on day to day basis? Will the powerpoints, boring meetings, rebuke from managers, envious looks of colleagues, being political victim, pressure to perform, feeling that (S)he has not been remunerated well etc go away? You may get a few exciting moments, some happier events, accolades & recognitions, official travels, feeling of contentment - but these things usually happen in any job. Then what distinguishes one from the other? I think it is the perception of common mass. So, barring a 0.1% exceptions, there is essentially a bubble.
Coming to marriage - with my background (mentioned above) a decent height, stable family background, and moderate look, what kind of girl would be ideal for me? Working in big corporate, alumni of foreign universities, good height and fair complexion, small-time actress/singer/news-anchor, hi-fi family background etc- this is what people expect. Some even suggested that I should use marriage as a vehicle to enter into politics or become rich. However, my family background and my own perception of life are important parameters in this decision.
I have tried to pen-down probable priority factors for me in the selection of a bride. Let me pen down my current thoughts:
1. Minimum disruption: I want marriage to cause me minimum disruption. Bringing someone from outside Delhi, searching an engagement for her in Delhi would be super difficult. As I would start a new inning in NSDC soon, I want to concentrate on that and don't want disruptive stuff at this point of time in life.
2. Close to Home: Satyakam told this point and I agree with. Since I might spend most time out of Assam, whenever I visit home I should get maximum time to spend in Agia. And this would be possible only when the bride is from neighboring places.
3. Age maturity: I don't want to marry a 25-year old immature kid; at the same time, I don't want to marry 30+ someone as well, since I am already 33. She should be able to handle both my Agia's relatives, as well as my Oxford friends. And, I am sure this maturity would come with age.
4. Career track: I want someone with a proper career track, not too much time-consuming track like the private consultants or coders, but also not that of a TET teacher. She should be serious about career and that track should take her to the pinnacle of her profession, unlike a nurse, clerk etc. A respectable profession, but with flexibility, average pay (the more is merrier though), and ideally not related to my domain (IT, Policy etc). I prefer her to be from a premier institution as I believe the friend circle created in a premier education institute is a valuable asset. Earlier I also wanted someone from Assamese medium school, not anymore. She ideally should not study with donation and take a job with bribe.
5. Independent woman: I seriously want a woman who is independent of finance, thoughts, and emotions. I hate creating a liability. This does not mean I will not take care of her needs; but I want to support her, not design and create a thought/finance process for her. She should have a positive attitude and art of handling people/stress by herself. I can always extend my suggestion, but don't want to poke into her affairs and try to find a solution on her behalf. A bit risk taker, adventure lovers are most desirable.
6. Looks: I don't want a very beautiful or sexy woman. As per Ramayana's logic, she should be healthy enough to bear a child (or maybe for satisfying sexual desires). I am attracted towards woman with height and with bigger breasts. She should not be fat though- I myself very conscious about having the ugly belly. Moderate fair complexion is ok. Unlike many other boys, I am not very persistent on looks of woman. Smartness is a key factor. However, I want a healthy being, since I am really scared of visiting hospitals.
7. Regarding kids: Since I am already 34, I want to have kids just after marriage. I want someone with that mentality. However, she shouldn't leave her career for pregnancy. Although I am not so keen on marriage, I am quite clear that after getting married, kids are must.
8. A woman with extra-curricular: Since I am zero on extra-curricular, I want a bride with music, painting, sports etc. I want to put some colored portraits, musical instruments at my home so that the next generation gets inspired for taking up those activities. Watching Formula1 or stage theatres should be fun with my future partner. She should be a bubble of energy - I like that.
9. Thoughts on in-laws: Once I decided that I don't want to use marriage as an instrument to achieve something, I have very little expectations from in-laws. I don't want to take much responsibilities, and don't want single kid bride. It is preferred that she has a brother who will take care of the parents once they age. I want the parents to be financially independent, but humble. I don't want to receive anything as dowry; however, if I get something I won't mind accepting considering I have kept the financial independence of the girl as a criterion.
10. Middle class mentality: I am ashamed of myself sometimes, but let me write here- I am an ultra middle class boy. I always switched-off light, think multiple times before buying things, save money by traveling via bus, manage without vegetables etc. (I have some non-middle class logic as well for being so). My mother, home members, most relatives are of similar nature. Hence, the girl should be from middle class family; otherwise, she will go mad.
11. Masculinity: I always speak about equal level playing field for both men and women. However, off-late, I have realised I won't be able to do some things, such as cooking nutritious food every day, initiating the kitchen activities when a visitor comes, washing cloth regularly, shopping vegetable etc. One more example maybe I would expect my wife to wash my inner cloths, but I myself don't feel comfortable in washing her private clothes. As per middle class mentality, there are 'female' specific jobs and I really want someone else to do it.
12. Caste, mother tongue, widow etc: I am open to any caste, however speaking, reading and writing of Assamese language is a must. Thinking about family, I would like to be restricted to Hinduism only. Understanding of Assamese music, literature, poetry etc is desirable. I am also open to widow (without kids) or divorcee; but thinking about my family, I have kept that option silent for the time being.
13. Relationship with Maa, Dada: Maa is the supreme authority at home and Maa's priorities need to be served first. Although she is quite arrogant a few times, Maa is quite logical, and hence I don't have much issues in following her. There would be hardly any scope of argument concerning Maa, and my partner should understand this. Dada and Bou are both simple human beings and I don't want to make them uncomfortable at any point of time. In fact, this is a very important point why I don't want a bride from hi-fi background, considering the fact that I have decided to remain in India itself for the most part of my life. A simple middle class woman with a high zeal to establish herself would be ideal.
14. Being famous: Do I want to marry someone who is famous/public figure. The answer has been yes. But will a famous personality carry the middle class simplicity that I am looking for? I don't know. That will take knowing someone for a year and then decide. But, I am sort of running out of time. But I really want someone who has the desire to become famous one day.
15. Virginity, old relationship etc: I remember how woman virginity was such a big issue for me at one point in time. But eventually, maybe after losing my own virginity, this became a non-issue. I don't think virginity and not being in any relationship earlier are big parameters now (my friends in Agia don't think that way), although, I always show tremendous respect to those who can remain virgin till the time of marriage. However, I am cautious about the 'chipku' or 'best friend' type animals that many girls have.
16. Good cook: I always considered food to be the least priority in my life. However, it has affected my body, hair, teeth and will continue affecting if I don't pay the much-needed attention. Also, after staying alone for so many years, I long for delicious foods now. Hence, I am growing a desire that a good cook would be very ideal. Although I am not food enthusiast, she should supplement me in this case.
17. Not obstructing my freedom: This is again important. I have a way of working, a few things to do, organizations to attend to, friends to chat and meet, own definitions of leisure time etc. I don't want to lose my freedom. In the time of listening to Zubeen, I don't want to go shopping etc. I want to spend some time with myself (eg- in time of writing this blog) and I don't want that to be affected.
18. Love or arranged: I always have a fantasy for arranged mariage. It might be because I never loved anyone wholeheartedly, or, my definition of proper love has always been the flowery-novel-princess type. Although I had been attached to a few females, I never thought of marrying anyone. My focus on career is another reason. So, in the whole duration, I thought God will arrange me a super perfect bride. As I become 32, I realized God is not coming to rescue me. Also, my possibility for an arranged marriage is low, since my family members don't really know many people that might be a good match for me.Hence, I have realized I have to find someone by myself, Maa has also told this repeatedly. Hence, I am more inclined to 'know someone and ask parents to talk' type mood. Marrying someone about whom I don't know anything was a fantasy earlier; the more I know about myself, my middle-class nature and egos, I think that will be a disaster. I must know the person for some time before marrying.
19. Am I compromising: The biggest question is - am I compromising on my childhood imaginary character of a bride (Gauri from Aximot Jar Heral Xima, Bapukon's crush in Saudar Puteke Nao Meli Jai, Amitabh's wife in Suryabansham etc)? Should I wait until I come across the perfect bride as per my definition? As I become 33+, I realised this is indeed the bubble I talked in the beginning of the post. With so many parameters I listed above, do you even think there may be someone perfect? The other question is how much perfect am I? Hence, the accurate way to think- how can I make a moderately perfect match to a perfect one!
NB: While writing the criteria one girl is coming to my mind, and hence I might be little biased (not more than 8%).
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